Wearing a smile but falling apart
 

Hey Guys.

its pretty odd for me to need to post (again) in a different area of RYL than the ED forum seeing as An was always previously my main problem.
So i'm sorry that i dont usualy reply over this 'side' of ryl but i'd really appreciate some support/help/anything right now.

I'm great at putting up a front. i guess when you hide the fact your being abused by mutiple people for your entire childhood you get good at faking it. Infact i'm so good at pretending even i find it hard to understand my emotions and identify with them.

At the moment TBh i am falling apart. noone seems to be listening because my ED is dramaticly improved. My T knows i'm in pain right now and reasures me i'm doing a great job...but i wonder if she REALLY realsies. mostly because i find it hard to express myself very well and end up chocking on my words and just getting frustrated.

I'm sorry this is getting really long.

The thing is...i'm having this weird sesnsation in my jaw (i THINK its related to something that happened when i was 11-16), i'm loosing chunks of time, thought i'm particpating in life i feel very much outside like my actions are just auto-pilot. I'm also have some self destructive thoughts...i know i dont want to act on them (other than my usual SI) but they are there.
I keep getting breif waves of overhwleming emotions and then there gone again.
MY OCD sytoms are bad but everyone seems to think i'm over reacting because i suppose it doesnt appear to stop me functioing - thats only because im at home doing nothing so filling my day with compulsions doesnt infringe on anything right now even though i'm acting my behaviours ALOT. My night terrors are awful and my flashbacks seem to be more frequent (though not as intense to cope with as they once were).

I feel like im on a knife edge (no put intended) and i could so easily completly crumble and i'm scared of that but i feel **** in this place aswell.

I'm very lost.

I dont know what i want out of this thred. I just feel so unnoticed and misunderstood by those around me and very overwhelmed by my 'situation'

:ermm:

Maybe show this page to your therapist sweety, i know it seems to feel like once you start eating people think your better. But proffesionals will know its hard for you and still support you. I would advise you to write it down and show her. The worst thing you can do hunny is to bottle it all up.
xxxxxxxx

i agree with fallen star,maybe show this to your t?
maybe add the details of your flashbacks and nightmares to help her understand more of what things are really like for you at the moment?
from what youve said it sounds like youre disassociating,if youre losing chunks of time,which is probably related to working on your abuse and stuff-i know its hard,i can understand that,but it will get easier the more you work through it,which probably doesnt mean much right now since youre struggling a hell of a lot atm,but i promise you it will get easier.xx

hey kel, its never easy to work through abuse, and that is garaunteed to bring up so many unwelcome feelings and thoughts, you are not made from your ED and maybe you should let people know that, because once the pyhsical manifestation of your hurt is gone, it leaves you to deal with it alone so to speak. with no comfort or barriers to hide behind. this will make it so much harder for you, i def agree with the above of showing this thread to someone.

here if you need me,

xx

Thanks - i might do that.

I'm slipping abit with my eating tryng to hang onto this so i deffinatly need to

*cuddles*
I wish I had the right words to help hun, but I think you are absolutley amazing and so so brave.

Please take care of yourself hun, we're always here if you need us.
Xxxxx

please hang on hunny you can get there