Running away???
 

I feel kind of weird posting here, since I haven't really posted in vets much before, but, well, I can't very well ask teenagers how to be a grown-up, so here goes...

I've started thinking a lot about running away. This is ridiculous. I'm 21. How can I run away from home as an adult? I don't have to "run away" -- I can just leave if I really want to. But that's not what I want to do. I want to go now, tonight, not tell anywhere where I'm going, just put some clothes on, pack my backpack, and leave. And turn up somewhere. I can easily pass for 14 or 15. I could just say I'm 14, like the girl in that TV show I'd watched, and be put in foster care or something and be a kid again. I'd never really do it, but it's like a twisted fantasy that I can't get out of my head. But right now, I'd settle for a hospital or a psych ward, or anything else that would just get me out of my life.

It's not like I have anything to complain about really though, I just don't want to keep going anymore. I don't want to go back to school in another month -- I'm not sure I can handle it. I don't want to write my thesis, and I don't think I can do it anyway. I don't want to finish the work for the two classes I didn't finish last term, and I'm not even sure I can make myself try at all. And I'm so f***ing sick of not cutting, and trying to be responsible, and I don't want to do any of it anymore :crying:

It sounds like you're struggling with a conflict between wanting to be more independent and free at the same time as wanting to be taken care of completely.

I'm not sure I even do want to be independent/free... I think what I want to run away from is my mom expecting me to be a grown-up, and from everyone who thinks I'm old enough to take care of myself, and that I'd be acting childish... It's like, if I could just get away from everyone who knows how old I am, I could be 14 again, and then people would take care of me cause I'd be a kid... I know it sounds stupid, I just want so much to be able to stay a kid and not have to do everything on my own, and I guess it just makes it that much harder that I still look young enough...

I look younger than I am, too. I understand how that can make it harder to resist the pull of wanting to be young and taken care of.

Growing up is scary, but I think that's part of the process. It's okay to ask for help when you need it, and it's okay to want to be looked after. You don't have to do everything on your own straight away, and as you get more independence maybe you'll start to enjoy it more

I ran away at 17 and when I returned (i was only away for 5 days) I was told I wasn't allowed back. I had to stay with other family until I OD'd when I was 19 and got kicked out for good. For the past year or so I've lived alone. I had the same idea - run away and have someone to look after me so I didn't have to take the responsibilities and things.
Now I have no qualifications (was unable to complete my college course) and am now 50 miles away from the nearest relative. It's not recommended, but I can totally understand where you're coming from. I'd suggest trying to find something that will make you feel looked after and safe, and trying to steadily try and overcome the overwhelming thought of commitments etc and try to sit through the anxieties attached if possible.

But then again, what do I know? I have major avoidance issues *rolls eyes*

I know my parents wouldn't tell me I wasn't allowed back, although I'm not sure if that makes things better or worse really.

I also know I don't have to do everything on my own straight away. My parents still take care of me a lot, really. They're paying for my education, and they give me money every month so I don't have to have a job while I'm in school, and they give me advice on whatever things come up that I need help with (even as minor as when I forgot to look up the recipe for something before I went to the store, and my dad told me what I needed to buy for it), and my mom is even not just allowing, but actually encouraging me to come home after I finish school. But there are still some things I have to do by myself, that even a kid should be able to do that I still can't do, and at least when I was younger my mom could do it for me or at least help... Like if I get sick at school and have to go to the doctor, I can't just tell my mom anymore, I have to go to the health center and make an appointment myself, and most of the time I can't do that. And then I have to go to the appointment myself, even at home my mom doesn't go with me to routine doctors appointments anymore, but when I was younger she had to. Or when we were on vacation a few weeks ago, and I almost didn't eat dinner because I was so afraid to call room service... It's stuff like that, that's not even grown-up stuff, that I really am too old to have someone else do it for me... And even at 14 or 15 I was still too old to need help with stuff like that, but at least someone else would do it if I were too scared to, case even if my parents wanted to, they weren't even allowed to just have me not eat or not go to the doctor or stuff...

And also stuff like, when I was in high school, I used to sort of hope one of my teachers would find out I was cutting, cause even though I didn't want anyone to know, they'd tell the school counselor probably, and the school or my parents would make me go to counseling and stuff, so it was like a way of asking for help even though I was too scared to really ask. But now if my professors see my cuts, they'd stay out of it, and probably not even ask me about it, and definitely not force me to get help of some form... I guess more generally, it's cause it's not anyone else's responsibility anymore to notice I need help, and I really want it to be, cause I'm always too afraid to ever ask for help.