Not sure about his post. Just needed to talk
 

I saw my CPN today and according to her I'm really quite ill at the moment and very depressed and she is worried about my safety esp after the ITU incident and is wanting me to phone her each day, obviously not weekends, but it is hard to call, I hate talking on the phone. When I was in room with her I was crying most of time. That is first time I have broken down and cried in front of someone like that and I felt so weak for doing so. Bu tI have cried each day since I came round/woke up in ITU. I feel like an intruder in this life as I was meant to go.
Now all I want is for my body to strenghthen enough to not puke when I take the pills again. I have never been sure about this.
I really can not except my body as it has gained weight and I know it down to the greedyness of me and the meds, I have stopped the meds so I hope to not gain so much more and am restricting ++ to make sure the life I have left I know I am trying to get thin.
CPN is gonna look into meds that don't cause weight gain but I'm sceptical that any will be OK. They are sugar coated and have E numbers in them. All bad. All contaminating.
I don't think I'll last that long to wait to be honest.

There ARE many that say they cause weight gain but oinly in certain ppl. Example a gf and i were on same med, same dose...she gained, i didnt. so they all work different for different ppl. Pls hang on and at least try, you can always go off and try another..pain inthe arse but if it can get youwhat you want, plus help you feel better its worth it (so i keep telling myslef lol)
Im glad youahve someone who is aware of how you are feelign, that is there for you...pls keep talking to her.
The feelings of not belonging, of wanting to die are the illness. And it CAN be beaten
pls keep talking to her and be honest, you deserve to be out of this hell, you really do.
pls try to keep safe
romp

If it's hard for you to call people and talk on the phone, would it be possible to use email? Or maybe even IM? I know, it doesn't seem very conventional, but I don't think counsellors have yet caught on how easier it is to type things than actually spell it out.
As for meds, romp said it, everybody reacts differently. If you worry so much about gaining weight, I doubt your meds are gonna help any because you'll be obsessing about something more.
What you need to do now is to concentrate on one thing to fix. Keep the weight problem for later. You can't deal with everything at once. What matters for now is for you to be safe. Keep a balanced diet, exercise every week, be healthy and there's no reason why your weight should become a problem.
Take care

Thats just it I know I have gained with the last lot of meds. and that has thrown me back depper in anorexia (which I have struggled with for 15 years) It is something they can't treat as they are not 'specialists' in EDs.

She the priority right now is keeping me alive, but how is anyone able to do that it is my choice to life or die and the feeling I have are intensifying and esp after waking up i ITU and realising I hadn't died I am more determined to make the next time real and work.
Yet she thinks she can prevent that. But taking a pill, filling me with chemicals will work, it takes too long. I need something now. It is very black and white I know but it is life or death and it has to be now (well when body is ok enough to not puke pills). not after meds are chosen and px and given time to work.

I see nowt they can do.