what goes up must come down
 

I didn't want to have to post in here again, but i really don't know what else to do.

It always happens at once, doesn't it?
One things goes down, and then everything follows. And it's like everything in your whole world has crashed and you can't function anymore.

My Gran is in hospital and is critically ill. Some of you know she's been ill and in hospital for a while, but this time it's worse. She's in so much pain, they gave her a load of morphine and they said it helped, but it might send her to sleep, and they don't know if she'll wake up. She's so ill, she's dying, and I can't do anything to stop it. My mum's spent the whole day at the hospital with her, and she's still not home.
There is nothing I can do but sit and wait until I hear some news, and that tears me apart. Knowing there is not a single thing I could be doing to help.

My mum is becoming ill again. Or at least I think she is. She's had an eating disorder for years but apparently was "recovered". I don't buy it though, she's been eating less and less, excersising more and more, and losing weight. And again, it's out of my control. I can't DO anything. it's her life, her body, it's up to her. But it's destroying me. I feel like i have to care for her, make her okay. She's finding things hard enough with my Gran being in hospital, i need to support her, but it's so hard when I need support myself.

I think I've finally admitted something to myself. I've finally admitted after god knows how many years, that my dad is emotionally abusing me.
And I guess it's just shaken up everything. I'm so scared of being around him now, I'm scared of coming home. I don't like being here. But as the same time, he's my dad and I love him. He's done a lot for me, so I have no right to be saying what a horrible man he is.

And finally, the whole reason i'm posting this is because the people who I trust and would normally talk to seem to have gone. I don't know what i've done, but they've gone.
One of them I know is struggling just now, but she's pushed me away and won't let me talk to her. Or at least i think that's right. SHe might hate me for something i've said, i don't know. But she isn't here.
One of them I told the truth the other night. I told her how I couldn't believe what she said, I told her that she'd hurt me. She said she would call last tonight to speak to me, she never did. It just shows that everything I said was right. She doesn't care, she never has and she never will do.

I feel so completly isolated and alone just now. Like I don't have anyone to lean on. I shouldn't even be asking for support, because it's not me who deserves it. It's my Gran, my mum, and my friends that need it more than me.
But the selfish part of me is screaming for someone to listen. Someone to just talk to me. Someone to know what's happening.

There are no answers to any of this, I get that. I don't want answers. I want ears, I wnt to be listened to. And not fucked around. Please?

Gentle hugs.

I read what your post and I heard what you said. I am so sorry all this is going on for you. I am here for you if you would like somebody to talk to.
xxx

It's funny. So fucking funny.
So funny i'm crying. haha.

I regret making this. It's proved what I thought was right.
HAHA.
funny. real funny.

Steph, I love you. You're lovely. Be nice to yourself.

Steph :-( *massive hugs*.

I meant everything I said. I will always be around for you whenever you need me.

I cant really say much more than that.

XxxxxxxxxX

Hey steph

I am so sorry that you are going through so much at the moment, i can relate to how you are feeling at the moment as everything has hit me at once too.It must be hard with your gran being so ill, could you perhaps make her something to give her some happiness.

I remember you talking about your mum a while back, are you able to speak to her about how you are feeling, how concerned you are?Remember there is only so much you can do to help and you have to think of yourself sometimes.I really hope things become better for your mum as this is possibly a way she is just deal with your gran being ill.

The situation with your dad sounds awful, when do you go off to uni? You do deserve support just as much as anyone else on this site or in your life. You are having to deal with so much, you cant be expected to be coping all the time.RYL is here to support you and you know where i am if you need to chat/ rant.I am sorrythat i havent been here for you recently.

Are you getting any professional help at the moment? perhaps it would be a good idea to arrange something to look forward to like going to the cinema, day out somewhere, meal out etc... something small could giveyou a little happiness.

Please take care

*hugs tightly*

jane x

*cuddles* That sounds awful, I'm sorry that everything is hitting you at once. You are not selfish or anything like that, you need to look after yourself too. I agree with Jane that your mum could be reacting like this because of your gran being unwell. Try to let her know that you're there for her if she needs you, but make sure you're looking after yourself too.

Is there any way you can just escape things for a day? Go somewhere for a walk or go to the cinema or something with a friend? Even if it's not much, it might help take your mind off things for a little while.

*hugs*

Thanks for all the replies, I really do appreciate them.

Talking to my mum is difficult, cause she just denys anything is wrong. I hope that maybe once things settle down again she'll be okay again, but i don't know. And right now I don't want to prod her too much because I know it'll just stress her out even more.

I'm not getting any professional help at the moment, but once I move away to Uni I am keepiing getting help in mind.

A friend is coming to spend the afternoon with me today, so that should help take my mind off things for a bit.

Thank you again.
xx

What about trying to do something nice with your mum, dont know what your weather is like but what about a BBQ? or something like sitting out in the sun with icecreams... maybe your mum just needs a little break from everything.

I hope you get good support when you go to uni, your going to grays right? Uni's mostly have a counsellor on campus which can help you and if you need specialised help they will send you in the right direction and sort it out for you.

I hope you have had a nice day out today and that the weather is as nice as it is up here :)

*cuddles*

Jane x

there is nothing wrong with needing some attention/love/support for yourself aswell. it sounds like you need people right now and i'm glad that your friend came 'round because you don't deserve this.
from what i know, you are so so so nice and all this bad shit that's happening right now, you don't deserve it.
i'm sorry about all that. but the only thing i have to say is about your dad and that is that you are allowed to think your father is a bad person even if he has provided you with shelter/food/money/whatever. i always have this dilemma myself because my dad is so weird but of course i love him even though he does bad things. i think, from what i've read, it probably is emotional abuse because it's constant constant and he shouldn't be doing anything to hurt you at all. he's meant to be the one protecting you from all that shit, and i don't mean to make you feel bad really, because you shouldn't at all! you haven't done anything wrong but i can understand why you may be scared to go home. the only thing i can say is just try & avoid him when you know he's in a bad mood, etc, just try & leave the room or leave the house and go somewhere you feel safe.
hopefully your friends will be back soon.
lovelove.xxxxxx.

I don't get all this "you're so nice" "you're so lovely" stuff. Because i'm not. Simple as. I'm a selfish, self-centred bitch. And i'm not saying that because im being emo, im saying it because I know that it's true.
I've hurt a lot of people recently, all be in unintentially.
How can I hurt so much people but still be told i'm nice?
It doesn't make sense.
No one knows the real me. None of you see me every day, are around me everyday, so you don't know what i'm like. I'm just a name on the internet.

My Dad seems to have cooled off a bit recently. We spent the morning together today and it was good fun. But I know soon that is all going to change. Work is going to get very stressful, and because i'm leaving, he'll put the blame on me. Make me his target.
I got myself a new job because my current one makes me suicidal, but by leaving it's going to make him stressed and angry, and he'll take it out on me, making me suicidal. There is no fucking winning. I can't escape it.


My Gran is still very ill. My mum's spending as much time as possible with her. I don't know exactly what's happening anymore, I'm too scared to ask now. I'm so scared of losing her just now.

This thread seems so pathetic and really rather trivial now, but i'm just finding things so difficult because there is so much of it to deal with. Part of my brain is telling me to just go into self-destruct mode to get rid of all this hatered and anger and shit.. but the other part is telling me not to do anything because i need to be here for my mum, for my Gran.

Sorry for rambling on.

I appreciate all your replies. Thank you.

She's gone. She's dead.
She died in her sleep. Last night.
I love you Gran.
I'm so sorry.
I love you, always.

I don't know what to do with myself.

I can't stop crying.
my mum's crying.

she's gone.

i'm really really sorry about your grandma. :sad:
i know none of these sorry's will bring her back but i know how hard it is to lose someone. please take care of yourself and i hope you feel better.

Steph, I'm so sorry about your gran *cuddles*. It's OK to cry, and it's OK to grieve. You'll find your own path through it.

I was going to tell you how you're nice, but I think a hug is more appropriate now.

Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it. *cuddles you all*

Instead of lighting a candle for her, tonight i'm going to go outside and blow some bubbles up to her.

I love you Stephsteph.

You know where I am.

*txts you*

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Steph i am so sorry for your loss.I am here for you if you need to talk.

Blowing bubbles is such a nice idea.

I wish i could give you a proper hug just now.I will be thinking of you x

Im soo sorry to hear this :-(
*cuddles tightly*
You know where I am if you need someone come hug you.
Ill be thinkin of you.

I'm sorry to hear about your nan Steph *cuddles* xx