RYL Forums - unable to cope

i am unable to cope any longer. i have no fight left in me to live anymore. i have severe postnatal depression which is not getting any better and im sick of changing medications. i am self harming and wanting to die everyday. my doctor doesnt know how to help anymore. on a waiting list to seek help from a therapist. she was due to ring me yesterday. she doesnt care either.
i lost my little brother at 6 yrs of age, he was still born and its because the doctor stuffed up in lots of ways. i also didnt want my brother to be born, life was good as it was, i had 2 sisters and a brother, didnt need anymore siblings. so i wished he would die, on my birthday as i blew out the candles. just over 2 weeks later he was born dead. it is my fault and i will never forgive myself. its been 16 yrs since he died and i miss him more and more everyday. i dont wanna be here anylonger, i want to be with him.
i am not a good mum, i cant care for my baby, i dont want him to see me like this all the time, he is happier living with my mum. she can give him everything i will never be able to.
i miss my brother so much. i still believe he died so that 4 yrs later my sister could be born. i hate her. what right does she have to be born live when Ben wasnt. she doesnt deserve to be here and i resent her so much for living.
i hate myself for that.
i hate myself everyday and it doesnt get better.
nothing eases, time does not heal all wounds.
i am at a total loss and unable to see through this pain any longer.
the longer it goes on, the more i die inside. the more i am unable to understand why i have to suffer like this. why was Ben chosen to die and HER chosen to live. it isnt fair at all. i wish i never had to make a wish that birthday. i never have since. its less than 3 weeks to my birthday, my 22nd and i cant do this again. i cant have another birhtday without my baby brother here.
i named my son after him, Ben is his middle name. i wish id never done that, he looks so much like him and it breaks my heart every time i look at him, i see Ben in my son.
I cant bond with my baby. i am a failure. i am not worth it.
people try to tell me otherwise but something inside me doesnt believe them. my head is screwed up, my soul is gone and my heart forever broken.