Please help me...
 

I could really do with some support right now if it's not too much to ask.

I found out on Saturday that one of my close friends was killed in a car accident last week and I feel awful.She only turned 20 4 days before she died and she was finally getting back on track with her life after fighting anorexia for a long time.It's so ironic that she got over that only to die in such a tragic way.Why do such cruel things happen to the people who deserve it least?!This world makes no sense to me anymore.

I'm really not coping with it,I don't know how to.I haven't slept since I found out and barely eaten,I'm exhausted.I feel so selfish because I've been incredibly suicidal the last couple of weeks especially and have been planning how and when I'm going to die and this happens.How can I have been thinking about taking my own life when my friend who wanted to live so badly no longer has hers?I feel guilty...that maybe if I had died a long time ago when I was supposed to,none of this would have happened.

Part of me is angry that it couldn't have been me that died...why do I have to live with this s**t in my head every day?Not having the courage to take my own life even though I want to.

I was going to ring my therapist today but I don't know what to say...I have a session with him tomorrow so there's probably not much point anyway.I can't even talk,I just feel numb,I just want to cry and have someone to sit with me and hug me.I want to cut myself just to feel something and last night I took some painkillers for a headache and I seriously just almost kept taking them,I don't know how I managed to stop myself.I'm physically and emotionally worn out...I've tried to sleep but I can't,I wake up after about half an hour and my brain has just gone into overdrive with memories and thoughts.

I don't know how much more I can take...I really can't deal with this right now.I know that's a selfish thing to say when her family and the rest of her friends are going through so much but I really feel like I'm nearing the end and I can't fight back anymore.

if you want to cry...cry.
im being deadly serious. just cry and scream and let the tears fall. crying helps in big ways.

death is hard to deal with and everyone copes in different ways. im glad you are seeing your ounsellor tomorrow. i know its hard but tke the opportunity to open up and let out how you are feeling. holding it in will make it harder.

life can be unfair. your friend will be at rest now and wont be suffering anymore. remeber all the good times and keep all the good memories.

All you can do is remember the good times.
I'm sorry thats not much help. It will take time to get over something which seems so pointless.

TCxx