Dont know where else to post this....
 

Ok so yeah it has been a couple since i have posted anything. Part of it is cus i have been tryin to recover from the last slip up and learn how to cope and another part of me is pulling away. Today will be the day that i actually fufil a promise with my therapist and that is i will call her if i want to cut. That desire is so there and the voice that goes with it wants me to just hide till this passes over. That this isnt as bad that the cuts werent even that deep you can barely see them. But then again i look at the scars i do have even though they are light and almost non existant i can still see the skin discoloration. And they all started out the same way that it wasnt that bad and the cuts werent to deep. i know exactly what triggered me this time. Its the whole birthday thing and feeling as if i havent accomplished anything. My brother didnt help matters any with his yelling and berating of me. He thinks he knows it all and that he has all the answers and that everyone wants his advice. I made the mistake of telling him i was planning on going a diet and his response is well you know it has to be a lifestyle change not just what you eat. And yeah well talking to your doc is good i really think you need to talk to Jackie, she will be able to tell you what to do. I swear he shares anything i tell him with jackie and of course i hear bout what she has to say. I just want him to shut up. He dont seem to see the fact that what he is doing is eggin on the desire to cut. It is eggin on the desire to hide and just wanting to disappear. I know he dont know and therefore there should be grace but how can any one be so arrogant to think that its ok to share another persons struggle ie cuttin with anyone else. And of course the response is i am just doing this for attention. i know that i am not but it still stings to the core when i hear that. it just makes me wanna hide everything i am feeling. and of course blood just sounds so appealing to me right now. Maybe i just cant beat this maybe this is how it meant to be. I want to be what others want me to be but it is killing me on the inside. I have lost sight of who i am. And this just sucks cus i know this post doesnt make any sense. Just so many issues wrapped into one. This sucks that i am once again turnin to thoughts of cutting myself. and then the question is do i call her now or do i wait till a reasonable hour? I know what she has said but i have a hard believing it would be ok to wake her with this. What if she thinks this is petty? I am scared of that. I am scared to be told i am failing even though i know i am .

i just wanted you to know i read your post.
im jst not able to offer much advice and support at the minute cuz im not in a great place myself.

if you think you need someone to talk to then go for it no matter what time of day it is

Well done for trying to recover and co-operating with your therapist, that's great! I think it's a great idea to call her if you're getting these urges to hurt yourself - it will show her that you're serious about getting better and it will help you to learn to get help for how you feel. I'm sorry that your brother isn't supportive - I understand how difficult it can be to have a family member like that. In my situation, I showed her a lot of information about SI and I explained to her (albeit quite a few times!) how it felt when she said I was attentionseeking or said something upsettting. Maybe you could speak to your brother, just you and him about how what he does and says affects you? Even giving him (or even Jackie?) information about it? Sometimes though, people don't want to understand and it can make it harder - maybe telling your therapist about the situation will help? Stay safe,

xx