No I don't want to live
 

I don't understand it, I have been visiting the psych, I have been taking my meds. Even survived without cutting for a while. I cannot point to any reason, cannot point to any trigger, but I don't want to be alive anymore. It seems so simple, I just want to be dead, is it wrong? After more than 25 years of hating myself, trying to kill myself, obviously failing, wouldn't you think that I would just give up? Admit that I am destined to this pain for more time. I have heard the arguments for living, and can't say that any of it rings true to me. Yes I have family, yes I have children, living for them doesn't make sense to me. They have a life, why do they need mine.

I found the information that I need to do it this time, it is so easy. (no, I will not share it with you, I want to be dead is different than I want to participate in your death also)

Are there any fresh arguments out there? Don't tell me that it will get better, I have more than 25 years of proof that it won't.

Give it a shot, or perhaps say goodbye, don't care which.

I Argue that...
 

Ending your life is never the best option. Even if it doesn't seem like it, you will be hurting other people--friends, family members, and even people who you don't feel you're close to. Most likely they'll feel guilty, as if they could have done something to prevent it, if only they had said something, done something, noticed something. That feeling will stay with them, maybe for the rest of your life, and it's quite possible that those emotions may trigger SI/ED/Suicidal tendencies in said people.

So if you end your life, it won't only be your life that's over. You say you don't see why your children need you. Committing suicide will certainly affect them quite strongly; it's possible that it will give them some of this pain that you yourself are dealing with. If not your children then your spouse, or your friends, or your neighbors or coworkers. Why do something to end the pain for yourself if it only passes it on to someone else?

Besides, I stand by my opinion that suicide is the most selfish thing you can do. Not to be mean, I'm just blunt like that. I apologize if I've unintentionally offended you (I tend to do that)

~Crash

You can call it selfish, you can say that it will be hurting people. Just being alive causes people pain, they have to endure my presense. I cannot stand to be in the same room with myself, why would I think that it would be different for them. As my memory fades, the pain will fade as well. "Sorrow may remain for a night," or it can last a lifetime. I choose to admit that I sorrow will remain with me for a lifetime, and can choose to shorten its affect

I hear your feelings of desperation and that you've suffered for so long and I'm so truly sorry about that. I'm not going to give you "arguments that won't work" and I'm not going to say goodbye either. With your permission, I just want to talk to you and find out what's brought you to this place? I understand that you feel like everyone else will be better off without you and I know that the "guilt" side of things sometimes isn't enough to put you off the idea of suicide. So maybe just talking to us, going through these things that are hurting you so much will help you to move past them and move forward? Just remember that so many of us here care about you and we want to help you.

If I may ask you - if someone were to give you a "valid" reason (to you) for living, what do you think it would be? What do you feel is a reason for living? Take care,

xx

I have actually hit the point where I don't have a list, I don't have a reason. Yes, I am desperate, yes, I wish I could come up with a list of reasons (if you can identify it, then you can fix it) Instead, I go through my days wishing that the semi coming towards me would veer out of control, wishing the man in front of me at the checkout line would pull a gun to rob the place. I have moments where I don't feel this way, they are short lived and only serve to remind me how miserable I am. I remember when I was younger and these feelings were attached to events, or triggers. Now, they show up out of nowhere, and hang on for much longer.

Can I come up with a valid reason to live? No, no more than I can come up with a valid reason to die. The vessel is empty and closed, it can not pour anything out, nor can it be filled.

Have you ever talked to your pysch about these feelings? It's not uncommon to have this general feeling with depression or something similar. It's great that you have posted this because in a way, you are still looking for that reason to live, whatever it is that will help you out of this despair. Do you think that's a reason in itself?

Have tried to have conversations with psych, his comment is that it is just indulging the sickness, and he moves on. He is quite obviously not a counselor, just medication person. I do not trust, as a general rule. The nice part about this forum is that I can continue to remain anonymous, no fear of institution. That, and there is always a delete button.

Wish I had one of those, but I don't.

I am trying to find a reason to stay alive, but I don't really have one. Can call it selfish, can call it pathetic, doesn't really matter what you call it. I have lived a lifetime with someone I hate and I want to be rid of him.

Do you think it may be time for a change of pysch? It doesn't sound as if he's really that understanding or supportive of your situation and I'm sorry this has happened. It's not selfish or pathetic - what makes you think you are those things?

What brought about these feelings of hatred towards yourself, lovely?

I just started seeing this new psych, like I said, he wants me to go to counseling. I just don't know that counseling is going to help. I have done counseling and cannot say that I have found much solace in it. If the counselor is marginally decent, then I discover that having someone to talk to is a good thing, and quite honestly, I don't have anyone to talk to. Paying someone to listen to me just proves the pathetic part. As far as the self hatred, I have 27 + years of hating myself (memory before 12 is minimal, I was a kid and didn't pay attention) I am constantly questioned about this, I am highly competent and intelligent, I know that my skills are worthwhile, but be honest, isn't there someone out there that you have met, that is competent and qualified that you just do not like. Perhaps it is the way they look, talk, act, but something about them, you do not like. Now imagine if that person was with you 24/7 365. You develop a true hatred. I do not look in mirrors as I despise what I see looking back at me. I know what is in my head, I know what I am thinking, and I cannot imagine that there is anyone that would tolerate someone with thoughts like this.

I hear what you are saying and I'm sorry that it feels like you have no one to talk to. Has RYL helped in that aspect of having the Forums, Chat and way to speak to the Supporters? I hope it has somewhat.

If you don't feel like counselling will benefit you, maybe you should speak to him about this? Quite a few I've spoken to, my mother included actually, have had to try a few times to get the right time of help that will work. It's a shame if it doesn't at first try but it can really do the job when the person will tailor themselves to your needs. Have you ever tried ringing a helpline like the ones listed in the Mental Health Forum?

I understand how you feel about hating yourself and not understanding why people could like you - I feel like this an awful lot myself and I know how debilitating it can be. If we turned things round, say, and you were looking back at you: What is it you'd want to make better or change? Even though you suffer with these thoughts, there are people out there that do care about you and want you to feel happy with yourself. But in order for that to work, you need to learn to believe it yourself. And it's not easy and it takes time, but it can be done.

Hey,

um im really sorry that you have felt bad about yourself for so long! If you dont mind me asking, why do you hate yourself? are you scared of allowing yourself to be loved? Im sure your children love you, dont they? What about other family members? do you get on with them?

I hope that you soon begin to see that you have as much potensial of having a good life anyone else does. Everybody has faults but please dont hate yourself for it. Iknow i probably sound extreemly samey and un helpfull, but i just know how hard it is to loose somebody special from suicide, and what it is to feel suicidle and fail in the only task you feel you can do (die).

But its not right!!! You need to stay alive for yourself. You need help and support and love. You need to love yourself and really talk about anything that has triggered you, or any crap times you have had and how desperate you are feeling right now. Are you on the right meds?

Please get yourself down to a councellor or whoever you can talk to, and get yourself well.

Those children need there parents they need you. And you need all the love you can get, please get support!

bEST WISHES JEN