wanting to die
 

sorry i haven't been here for a while. my phone and internet got cut because i couldn't pay the bill.

i can't stand being here anymore. i have no purpose and no hope. i just want it all to end.

i haven't had a job for six months and i have no hope of ever getting one. my caseworker wants me to go and approach a heap of companies asking for work but i can barely get out of bed. i know i can't do it because i will either have panic attacks before it or attack or kill someone when faced with rejection afterwards. you see the people in this town are fucking stupid inbreeding white trash redneck cunts and will just tell me to fuck off because i haven't worked for half a year. i hate them i hate them i hate them.

for the last week or so i have had trouble getting up or leaving the house. i have no energy at all. i have hardly had any food or water. i'm getting bad pains in my wrist from typing this. i don't know why. i don't even know why i'm typing this. i know my wife couldn't afford my funeral and my debts so i'm planning to make it look like an accident. if it looks like i just got lost in the forest near home and died from exposure, the insurance will be payed out. but if i cut my wrists, o/d or hang myself it won't happen. it will give my wife the quality of life that i cannot provide while i'm still here. the quality of life she deserves and if it means that i have to die to give her that then so be it. she doesn't need me dragging her down any more.

i can't get any help, not anywhere. if i take myself to the hospital, the doctors there are ruder than House, they pretend to know what i'm talking about but they are silver spoon fed college boys on six figure salaries and driving porsches. how the fuck could those asshole mother fuckers know what it's like. how the fuck could they? they have got to be kidding themselves. if i go to hospital i'm likely to break their smug fucking jaw. public counselling is just as useless as ever and i can't afford to go to a doctor. i have nothing and apart from my wife i have nobody. i just want it to end. it will take all my worries and anxieties away. i fucking hate my goddamn life, i hate living and i don't want to live anymore. nobody has the right to call me selfish for wanting this. they don't have to live in poverty. they don't have to live week by week not knowing if they can pay the rent. they don't live day by day not knowing if they're going to be homeless. besides that without shelter here in winter time one would die here anyway. unless they are going through all this then they have no idea of what they're talking about. that applies to all my family, doctors etc. taking my own life to give my wife a better life then that is very much selfless.

i've just had it. i'm over it and i can't stand it anymore.


nathan

dude, im not in the best frame of mind, and i can't read all of this just yet, but what i did read...well...i hope you get through it mate. we can talk tomorrow if your online, i need sleep though but hang in there dude :\
All the best, Nathan xx

Well done for typing this and getting some tension out - how do you feel now? I understand and hear how difficult it can be to try and get back to "normality" with jobs and such - but please don't think of yourself the way you feel others see you. There is no shame in taking time out of work to recover from a bad time, if anything it's advised because work can be very stressful and you don't sound ready to be able to deal with it just now. Is there any financial help you can gain at all? You have to try and put yourself first.

Could you maybe change doctors and find someone who you think will listen and won't look down at you? I'm not sure how it works in your country but do you get any financial help with healthcare because you cannot work currently? None of us on RYL will think of you this way, we're all here to help you. I'm sure your wife wouldn't prefer you dead - right now you need each other to cope through this difficult time. I hope some of this has made sense to you, I'm always around if you need to talk,

xx