help me?
 

it's pathetic that i have to do this to make myself feel like i have the least bit of control over what i do. the first time it happened, it was just a silly break down. i told myself it was a one time deal. but it turned into almost a lifestyle. it's all i think about. the smallest things are triggering. all i want is for somebody in my life to assure me that i do have people that love me because lately it's gotten hard to believe. attention seeker? not so much. one friend knows, and she does all she can to blackmail me with it. my ex-boyfriend knows. it's his fault to begin with.

i hold back, but i'm tired of holding back. i wake up in the morning and i ask myself why i did so, because it's really not worth it. i want to stay asleep forever, i want to sit in my bedroom with a switchblade to my arms for days. i need help, but what if i don't want help? why would i want help with something that keeps me going? the tension i feel before i even begin to cut makes me sick. this may seem pointless... but i want someone to talk to. i want someone to relate to me. i want to find someone in line at the pharmacy buying the same things that i am and tell me that they know what i'm going through... but that will never happen.

a friend would be nice right about now.

why dont you want help...
you know you need it so why ignore that need?

you are right. cutting wont help anything.

a friend could though.
so im here to be a friend and for you to offload everything that is getting to you if that is what is going to help

At the moment cutting feels like the only thing that is keeping you going but it isn't. With help you could replace cutting with somthing healthier, more productive. You could start to work on freeing yourself from self harm but still having something to help get you through life.
Reach out to people, it isn't attention seeking sweetheart. You need help & you deserve help. Could you speak to your Doctor? Perhaps they would have some suggestions for you.
xxx

Breakdowns are distressing experiences. They can traumatise you. I wouldn't call them silly, that minimises what you're going through and doesn't help you get better.
It sounds like you crave reassurance, and it's hard for you to hold onto caring. This is nothing to be ashamed of.
Getting help would mean that you'd get support to find safer ways of coping without 'needing' to hurt yourself.