i feel...empty
 

this'll be my 2nd week free of si. every night last week before i went to sleep all i could think of was cutting. i havent been sleeping well for the longest time, sometimes i dont sleep at all, and i think to myself that if i did just one cut, a teeny tiny one, i'd sleep better. but i never did it. i still havent. i had a bath today, and i looked at all my scars and i felt sick with myself. but that feeliong turned into hatred and that led to wanting to punish myself. and i thought if i left it it would go away. but it hasnt. i feel really weird too...i feel empty...and alone...and cold, even though my room is the warmest in the whole house. theres so many things i can do right now to distract myself but when i try to do them all i think of is the blood and release i will see and feel and my heart pounds and i get that weird feeling in my hands, and i start to feel all on edge, like in a split second i could jump a mile high...i dunno what that is...hyperness i guess...why i dont know because i havent eaten for 2 days now and i try not to drink too much, i know that is bad but im trying to lose weight. and i know that isnt the right way to go about it. i know there are healthy ways to do it, i know. i do. i just dont want to do it like that. i want to do it my way. a way that i decide. this is so strange because usually i feel...different...like...i dunno...now i seem to feel...calmer...its kinda freakin me out because before i wanted to cut but thought better of it, but now i want to cut and see no reason why i shouldnt...weird...i just feel really confused...i dont know why i feel like this...i dont even know why im posting here...i just feel...alone...i dunno how to describe it...does anyone else understand what i mean by that? because im starting to confuse myself with it all...:notsure:

I'm really proud of you for being able to put these feelings into words - how do you feel now? You've achieved so much going 2 weeks free, that's brilliant! I understand this "need to punish yourself" but why do you feel you should? Do you think these past days of fasting are part of this self-punishment? Try and soothe or distract your mind with calm music or another relaxing activity. And scars do fade in time if you look after them :)

xx

i dont know why i havent eaten. i just woke up and didnt feel hungry. i still dont feel hungry really. i still havent cut. im just sitting here on my bed not doing anything. i have all the stuff i need to do stuff next to me. alls i gotta do it unlock the box and thats it. then i can get whatever i want and do what i wanna do. and i still feel really calm about it. as if im supposed to do it. its really weird. i just feel kinda floaty. like nuthins real...

Well done for keeping on fighting, you're doing amazingly love. Do you think you could move the box from you or cover it up? I know the floaty feeling you describe - do you suffer with disassociation? It might help to ground yourself by holding a duvet corner or even an old teddy/soft toy and concentrating on that touch. These feelings may be due to lack of blood sugar also - could you eat just a little something to see if it helps?

im not hungry. im scared that the sugar will make me sick. ihate being sick. i dont know about the disassociation. ive never told anyone about how im feeling, like all floaty and stuff. its weird because the music seems so much louder and everything looks really bright. kinda pretty, but scary and strange at the same time. i dont want to hold onto anything, this is going to sound weiird but it looks as if stuff is moving, like my bed is a boat and everything is moving is a wave kinda motions around my room.
i need my box, although its moving...all weird like...i need it where i can see it...it feels as though if i put it away from me it will dissapear. like the floor is swallowing evrything really slowly. so i dont notice stuff going missing, but i notice that they arent there anymore...

I do understand how you feel about being scared to eat incase you are sick - this is something I suffer with myself. I'm really proud of you for telling us about this. You're not likely to be sick if you eat something small and light. Could you even just sip something sugary so you don't faint? Keep trying to ground yourself if you can and keep calm. Do you have a crisis line you can call? Keep talking, you're doing really well.

i cant call anyone, im scared to use the phone. i know, pathetic, right? and when i stand up its like my legs give way, like, i feel really light until i stand up
...and my hands, like, when i life them up they feel so light, and if i grip somehting i have to grip really really hard because i cant...i cant feel my hand enough so i keep feeling like im gonna drop stuff.
if i go downstairs now to get sumthin to eat or drink itll waje my mum up and shell have a go at me.
i tried to sleep, but its weird, because even though my eyes are closed i can still feel myself spinning.
i should leave, im takin up space of people who really need support...

theres nothing wrong with me, just dizzy and feeling weird and stuff...

You have as much right as anyone to ask for support, love - I'm proud of you for doing so. Maybe tell your mum you had a nightmare or can't sleep so you're getting a drink? Your fear of calling someone isn't weird at all - maybe when you've slept/rested and feel stronger you will be able to or speak to your doctor?

no i cant go docters. did that once before. he said he thinks ive dug myself a nice hole and got very comfortable. im never going back there again. never. i hate him.

i'll try and sleep now.

thanx for your support

:| That doctor sounds very unproffessional, I'm sorry he was like that to you. Sleep well love, and PM me if ever you need someone xx