I can't go back to work.
 

Generally, I don't come on here anymore to help or to be helped or at all. The thing is I feel so bad right now and feel I have nowhere to turn, something I haven't felt for a long while.

I called in sick to work today because I can't bare to go. Last night was really bad for me. My senior (whom I don't get on with) kept telling me off for little things here and there some of which I hadn't even done another member of staff had. It upset me but I coped. Then I bathed a resident whom told me that Jane (the normal lady to bath her) leaves her to soak for a few minutes. I thought it was a reasonable request as she's completely independant and has all her marbles so I gave her the buzzer so she could buzz if she needed me and sat across the hall in another residents room who I sometimes talk to so I could be close by. The other member of staff saw me come out the residents room and told the senior what I had done. She came and really laid into me about how dangerous it was apparently you can't leave anyone in the bath on their own. She didn't let me explain.

I went outside for a fag and cried for a long time finished the shift went home. Now I don't want to go back I've been feeling bad all day because she said I could have killed someone leaving them in the bath on their own. I can't get it out my head and i called my friend from work who said she'd been telling others about the incident and said it's probably why I called in sick today. I can't live with this feeling it's horrible. I can't go off sick because my parents were horrible about me having today off let alone anymore time. How am I going to go back now? How can I get over this feeling?

Sorry for wasting space better spent on less pathetic problems I just am going insane here.

Sounds like your senior needed a doormat for the day. Sorry about that.

If you did not know that nobody, even a capable person, was allowed to bath for a few minutes on their on then that is your senior's fault for not making the rules clear to you!

Go back to work tommorow, please. It sounds like you are a thoughtful and hardworker and a teamplayer (you covered for someone else to even give that bath, right?)

There may be some weird energy going on tommorow because you called in sick, but really, they have sick days available for a reason. You were not feeling well, doesnt matter that it was emotional sickness or physical. You needed the day off, and frankly it is none of their business on the details.

Further, if you are asked to do a job that you are not fully trained on, ask your senior if there is anything, anything at all, that you need to be aware of for safety concerns. If she fails to inform you, then yells at you for "not knowing" you need to document and take it to her/his superior.

I know how awful it feels to be berated at work for no good reason. Just remember it was the senior who was in the wrong for a) not telling you the rules and b) flaming you for her/his lack of duty to do so. Another thought is the senior lashed out at you because they knew they were in the wrong for not making the rules clear (mean people do that alot)

Have a nice relaxing day and nite and think positive tommorow and go in and do the job you do well!

Don't let the mean people get you down!

ps and you are never wasting space.

Hey hon, I'm sorry that you're having such a bad time of it at the moment. You made the decision to leave Jane alone in the bath on the basis that she'd told you that that was what normally happened and, like you said, this lady is fully competent. You were not negligent in any way and you certainly didn't intend her any harm. If there is a regulation that says that you shouldn't do that then it is your Senior's job to make sure that everyone knows that not yours to intuit it. Is there anyone else that you can talk to about about your Senior and the fact that she doesn't take time to listen to her staff or to make sure that she apportions blame (which she shouldn't anyway)?

I can't see any reason as to why she needs to speculate about why you're off sick, especially with other people, and she certainly shouldn't be commenting on what is essentially a private matter. She should be supporting you to ensure that you're okay.

Please don't beat yourself up about it. If you're not feeling confident about doing the job then you need to be able to discuss that with someone so that they can support you. They way I see it, you didn't almost kill her anyway, you're senior has over-reacted. You cared for Jane the way she wanted and in a way which you considered to be appropriate - which shows compassion and that you thought through how to deal with the matter. Your senior needs to listen to what you have to say and give you credit for striving to do your best.

I hope this is of some help and that you feel able to go back in. If not, why not call her and see if you can discuss matters and explain how you feel about it. She probably doesn't realise how badly its affected you.

Take care.

Ruth x

My friend from work told me that she told them that's probably why I wasn't in work today. And told them what had happened - my two friends stuck up for me and said that I wouldn't do anything like that on purpose and I'm a good worker. She said "It doesn't matter no one should be left in the bath alone anyway"

Luckily it's my weekend off so I'll try to go back on monday. I just feel like I could have killed someone because of my thoughtlessness that's the hardest part to deal with. I worry everyone with think I'm crapand spend the whole time judging me now. Thanks for the replies it's much appreciated

Do you feel you were thoughtless or are you being told you were thoughtless?

If you were being maliciously thoughtless I highly doubt this experience would be upsetting you.

I do not work in healthcare, so have no ideas what the rules are. But have been in a few when I was very very sick. No one ever walked me to the toilet for my own safety, I had to do it on my own. Even had to take a shower with a broken leg (uncasted even) and still in the midst of psychosis, on my own, no one offered to help. Hell, if I knew someone was in the next room I would have felt alot better!!! **edit and she even had a buzzer you said

Glad to hear you have a weekend before you go back. It is a Full Moon tonite and don't know about you but it makes me and lotsa folks I know hypersenstive to emotions. By the time Sunday nite rolls around you should be feeling alot better!

btw I love your sig quote

Thank you,

The thing is I have CBT and we are trying to stop myself thinking I'm a bad person and weighing up the evidence as my views of myself are distorted. But having other people tell me that I completely over react believe them and fall believing CBT isn't going to work for me because I really am a bad person, bad worker etc.

I think I just needed someone outside of my friends to give me an honest answer and show me that I did uphold safety the best I could given I didn't know you weren't allowed to leave them in the bath alone.

I love the quote too it's from desperate housewives I have a long list of the desperate housewives endings as I always like what she narrates :D

Thank you so much for helping me.

All i can add to all of the coments above is mondays another day, a fresh start.
take care
xxxxx