Ugh... *UPDATED* also may trig od
 

I am so goddamn fed up, you know.
I have managed to struggle through college, and the worst thing of all is that THEY expect me to go back.
THEY HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.
There is no way I am going back.
It's a PRISON.
Literally.
I was ok until they sent me there.
They don't understand.
I was doing ok... I was happy.
Well, as happy as I could be.
Now I'm fucking depressed again.
THIS ISN'T THE LIFE I WANTED.
And now they bitch at me because they think I am lying about being upset.
FUCKING IDIOTS.
Why don't you open your eyes, put yourself in my shoes and feel what I feel?
I HAVE JUST BEEN IN HOSPITAL BECAUSE OF A SUICIDE ATTEMPT.
UGH.
I don't have anything else to say.
I am making myself upset.
I...
I want to be different.
I need to let go of everything that's going wrong in my life.
BUT I CAN'T.
How am I supposed to?
I only want to cut.
That's the only thing that can make me feel better.
HOW THE FUCK I AM SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH HAVING TO GO BACK TO COLLEGE IN SEPTEMBER?
URGH.
Maybe I should just kill myself before then.
I've tried to kill myself so many times before, it has to work soon.

:crying::crying::crying::crying::crying:

hey,
im sorry your feeling so crappy about things atm, but suicide is not the answer, please keep urself safe
why dont u want to go back to college? have u spoken to ur parents or anyone about how ur feeling?
im always here if u need someone to talk to
xxxx

Because it's a residential college, and it's like prison.

I am 18 years old and I HAVE TO BE IN BED BY 10PM.
It's fucking horrible.
I am also not allowed out at night.

I can't go ANYWHERE without them ringing me up and asking me to come back, I can't drive myself around - even though I am allowed my car there - I have to be... well, I have to be in prison.

:sad:

I hate it.
It's too far away from my friends and family, I feel like I don't even exist anymore.
I have finished for the year, but I'm really worried about going back.
I have literally told my mum and dad that either they let me drop out, or I kill myself.
I said I wanted to go back to hospital, because I don't feel safe.
They think I'm lying.
They say that college is HELPING me, they're idiots. College is HELPING ME FAIL. It's helping me to act on my suicidal thoughts.
They think I'm just hurting myself on purpose to get attention, to get out of going back to college.
It's not like that at all.
Even thought it's college that's made me suicidal in the first place, I'm not trying to get out of going back. I just, well I can't cope anymore.

:crying:

I'm also fed up because I was forced to go there.
Can't I make my own choices?
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY WON'T LET ME DROP OUT.
I AM FUCKING 18 YEARS OLD, I SHOULD BE MAKING MY OWN DECISIONS.
ARRRRRRGH!!!!!

that majorally sucks
have u got a therapist or anyone like that u could talk to about how u feel? and maybe they could talk to ur parents about it kinda thing?
why dont ur parents want u to leave college?
how long have u been out of hospital for?
sorry if my replies dont make alot of sense, im not totally with it tonight

I have been out of hospital for ONE DAY.
That's it.
HOW THE HELL DO YOU RELAPSE AGAIN IN ONE DAY?

I have a therapist, a counsellor, a psych, a support worker and my GP. They all think the same as my parents. Stupid.

My parents don't want me to drop out of college because they think it's helping me to become more confident, and gain qualifications and become independant. Ha!

I have spent all of the holiday so far in my room, I have only been out of it to eat and when I needed to go to hospital for suicide attempts (and obviously the inpatient admission.)

I did no work on my coursework, and didn't complete the exam. I walked out of it halfway through to SI in the bathroom... and cry. I suck, I know I do. So how can I gain a qualification from that kind of behaviour?

What if I just want to curl up and die?

how long wer u inpatient for?
have you thought about maybe moving to a different college? or is it just college in general that u dnt feel ready for yet?
i can really relate to just wanting to curl up and die but ur worth more than that...things will get sorted and they will get better
xxxx

I was inpatient for a week. It was a voluntary admission, I checked myself in because I didn't feel safe.

But my parents don't want me to do that anymore. They say I can't rely on hospital to make myself feel better.

I can't move to a different college, no other college will take me this late. And this one offers the 'support' (ha) that I need apparently. Emotional support? As if...

what have ur therapist etc said about it all?
u could look into other colleges..see if any do have spaces?
so ur parents want u to stay at this college because of the supposed support it gives u? have u tried talking to them about how it really isnt helping and why its not?
xxxx

Darling you boxing yourself in. You see a way out. e.g return to hospital. and you build a wall in front of that tunnel. eg. My parents dont want me to do that. tear down the wall.Its hard. But if your this bad, maybe it would be better to go back. Just fow a day or two. get your head together and calm down.
Pm me if you need to.
Callum X

Oh... I'm so sorry. You are trying to help me, I'm inventing all sorts of problems. I don't mean to be like this, I don't. :crying:

My therapist just says stuff along the lines of "If you get it over with, take your medication and take it a day at a time it will be over before you know it."

How supportive is that??

I want to look into other colleges, but.... it's nearly August. There is no way there would be any spaces left. I suppose I could ring them up and ask them to get in contact with me if there WERE any spaces - for instance if somebody pulled out at the last minute?

I have talked to my parents, they just brush it off as attention seeking. It's fucking shit, they are meant to support me.

I need hospital...
I really want to go back.
It will stop me from trying to kill myself again.

your getting there but walls are still up. Talk to your parents, if they say your attention seeking. Tell them theres far fucking better ways of getting that attention. You gotta get them to understand darling.

theres no need to be sorry at all
alot of therapists do suck
yeh, u could try ringin round and see if u can find one, its worth a try
i wish ur parents could understand that its not attention seeking
xxxx

maybe u could talk to ur psych or someone about if u can be admitted again?

I wish they could as well.
I feel like just banging them against the wall, squeezing their throats and screaming at them.
Something like:
"For fuck's sake get it into your fucking head! I'm suicidal! Doesn't that tell you that it's not attention seeking? If it was attention seeking I'd go around showing my scars to everyone, and being proud that I tried to kill myself!!"

But... I just can't get them to understand. Every time I try to talk to them, even if it is calmly, they just tell me to shut up and stop talking about my problems. They tell me I just want their attention, that it's all an attempt to get out of going back to college.
:crying:

Yeah, I think I will.
I am seeing him on Monday...
Can I wait that long though?
The temptation is so strong... just try to kill myself, fail, be sectioned, and be safe.

its best to keep on fighting til monday and then see what hes got to say

I will try, but if I do get sectioned then it will be my 15th time in hospital, my 11th time being sectioned. In three years.

o_O

Anyway thank you for your help. xx

thats alot! ur best going in voluntarily though
talk to ur psych on monday
please keep urself safe
u can always pm me if u need somone to talk to