Everything
 

Ok so i cut today, just went on a rampage and didn't stop for hours. And for so many reasons. I'm finding it so hard to just stop myself there. More than ever I just want to open a vein and let myself bleed out. I can't stop imagining that, or finding a nice high bridge, or jumoing in front a train. Anything to just MAKE IT STOP! I can't stop thinking of Josh, and how it was all my fault. I can't stop seeing all the poo from my past, I can't stop feeling so fcking pointless and useless. I miss Josh so much rihgt now, and I still can't believe he's gone at the same time. He's the one person who I truely loved, and loved me in return. All my faults where part of him too, you know? And now he's gone. The one person I could trust, the only one I could evr see a future for myself with - gone. And now I have nothing - i AM nothing. And it's all my fault, if only I could have stopped him, if he felt he could have told me rather than making me the priority! If I hadn't let them put him away, if I'd been there before he did it. And to top all this off I've had the worst day for flashbacks ever. Why is it my mind won't let me forget all of it? why does it have to bring it all back, make me relive it again and again and again. ONCE WAS ENOUGH!!! I just don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I need to cut again, but I know if I do I won't stop. And I just can't do that to my family. I JUST WANT OUT SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darling, I can draw from your words how distressed you are - take some deep breaths and calm yourself. I'm so sorry for your loss, I can feel the guilt and the pain from what you say. Have you had any help at all for this? In my sig is a link to the Advice articles where there should be some information on helping these flashbacks. Try not to have any tools near you, do anything except hurt yourself anymore than you already are hurting. Keep breathing, lovely, we are all here with you

xx

Im so sorry things are so hard right now *hugs*
I hope you have calmed down a little and the flaskbacks have eased for you.

Can you try drawing or writing about the stuff in your heaD? It may be hard but I have found it useful in the past for me, as it gets rid of some of the thoughts for a while.It is also less harmful to you which is a good thing.

I hope your cuts are ok, look afteryourself love xxx

hey, im sorry i dont really have any advice, and its been said above, so i would just be jumping on the bandwagon. but i just want you to know my PM box is always open if you need a chat

much love

Zallie

xx

Hey im really sorry that things are so hard for you. *Hugs you* Could you/have you tried distracting yourself? Listening to music, or doing jobs to keep yourself busy are all ways you candistract yourself. Im sorry your having flash backs here is a link to help you http://www.users.zetnet.co.uk/BCSW/p...flashbacks.pdf about how to cope with flashbacks it also contains things you can do to help minimise flashbacks as well as techniques you can try.

You mention alot about Josh which i presume is your friend? I here you about you saying its all your fault and that could have stopped him. Its not your fault though you did your very best to help him and you supported him and you were there for him. I think you were a very good friend to him and i also think you did your best to help him. You have to remember that there is only so much you can do for people.

Can you talk to us some more about Josh? What happened to him? None of this is your fault, it was your friends actions and he is responsible for his actions not you. Please dont blame yourself, blaming yourself will only make things worse. Please dont end your life alot of people care about you so much and would be extremly upset if anything happened to you. Please keep talking to us. If you would like me to i can give you a link to the Samaritans if your in the UK i can do it either here or by pm. I could also give you a link to the supporters here at ryl. Let me know if you would like the link/s.

Take care best wishes Ian

can't really talk right now, will post later.

ok, so you want to know more about Josh. Josh is - was - my boy friend. He was ectioned late september last year because he tried to kill himself. I found him, he was in the bath with his wrist cut, a bag over his head and an empty pill bottle beside him. So i called the ambulance, and i was there when he woke up. He was a mess. I asked him why he didn't talk to me, and he said "because you've got so much shit to deal with already, and there wasn't really much point." If I'm honest that broke me. But I stuck by him and held his hand the whole time. A few days after he was admitted he tried to make a run for it, so they sectioned him. He faught them all the way, and secretly I was proud of him. Having been there myself I knew what it was like and I didn't want hm to give into them. Sounds insane but unless you've been there I guess you wouldn't know. Anyway, for the next four days I wasn't allowed to see him. I phoned and they wouldn't let him talk to me.
When I finally allowed to see him, it was like I'd alrerady lost him. The josh I knew was gone, lost in a hase of sedatives and fear. My time with him was limited so I made the most of it by telling him I loved him and that I hadn't given up on him yet. I kissed his forehead and left. After that he refused to see me. I called and left message after message for him, and at the time I think I already knew what was going to happen.
He was phasing me out, just like he had before I found in the bath. So i went to see him without warning him. He'd cut, and bad. He told me he was so scared and that they "wouldn't let him go." I took that to mean go home. I told him I would come back everyday and he said no. I tried to argue but he catagorically refused to see me again. When I phoned he'd listen but not say anything.
One day he called me, told me they were going to let him home for christmas. I was so happy and he sounded so much better. We spoke for hours, and i was just so happy to have him back again. We made plans, for christmas, the future, everything. Then he said he loved me and hung up. That was the last I ever heard of him.
11am on the 12th of October a friend calls me. I can tell from his voice something's wrong. He says it's about Josh. I don't really remeber anymore of the conversation, only the details. The nurses found Josh that morning, He'd hanged himself.
Since then nothing has made sense to me. I go from down, to rock bottom in an instant. I was sectioned earlier this year because I wanted to be with him.
He told me he loved me and hung up. No goodbye, no I'll miss you. No signs this time.
How did he do it in a secure unit?! I have so many of these questions going round and round in my head, the only thing I know is that it was my fault. He felt he couldn't talk me, so he kept it to himself and it killed him.
And for that I will NEVER forgive myself.

Its not your fault. yet i know saying this wont make much differance, because you wont beleive me. You will think either, he's lying, or he has no clue. josh obviously cared for you deeply and just wanted to keep you safe. Sadly however his idea of keeping you safe and your idea of keeping you safe we contradicting each other. it will take time darlin.but it will be ok. Pm me if you need anything. im not planning on sleeping tonight.
all the best
Callum X

Im so sorry about what you went through and are still going through, i cant begin to imagine what you went through. I just want to say that the reason i asked about Josh was so that we could have a better understanding and so that we can help you better. Im sorry if i upset you or anything. Everyone is responsible for there own actions its not your fault at all. Blaming yourself wil only make things worse. Do you have any support at all? He loved you so much and he really cared about you. Im really sorry that things are so difficult for you. Im thinking of you. We are all here to support you.

Take care best wishes Ian

Darling I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. I promise, just as soon as I'm able to come visit you I will. Love you darling, always.
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