I can't do this! *Might trigger OD*.... UPDATED!
 

I can't do this anymore.
:crying:
I have spent the entire day with my blade, hurting myself.
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I even went swimming with my friend, and instead of going swimming with her, well I spent the time in the toilet (there are no camera's, it was a changing room) cutting into the scabs and making the cuts underneath deeper.
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Then I went back home, to do nothing.
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I am kind of scared about leaving my home, I guess it's some kind of agoraphobia. How I mangaged to even go out with my friend, I don't know. It's a miracle.
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I take my blade and my first aid supplies - melolin dressing pad, antiseptic wipe, antiseptic cream, microporus tape, plasters, tubigrip bandage - everywhere with me. Even when I go shopping.
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HOW FUCKING PATHETIC IS THAT?
It's not like I am going to SI in the middle of a public place, is it?
*smacks herself*
:crying:
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I just want to crawl up in the corner of my room, cutting myself and swallowing pills until I die.
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I can't bear it.
Once my life was worth living.
I had a job.
I had friends.
Now I have nothing.
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Please, help.
:crying:

I'm so sorry you had a bad day. I usually keep my supplies in my car so that I can have them with me. So you're not alone there. As for the cutting, what triggered it? Was there a reason for it?

PM me if you want to talk
~Beth~

Thanks for replying.

I don't really think there was a 'particular' trigger this time, all I remember is that I was talking to my friend yesterday.

I don't really know.

I don't seem to get triggered like most self-harmers do, by something they see or hear.. like scenes of self-injury in a movie or the lyrics in a song. I'm ok with that, I just seem to cut because...

Well, because I'm bored. And lonely. I guess.

I also seem to cut if I have had a bad day (no matter how good it seems to my friends or family, they often tell me my day has been fun when it really hasn't). I cut on my 'bad' days for no particular reason, just because I can't stop crying and I need something to distract me.

Sammy x

I'm kinda like that too. I don't always need a trigger, I just need a bad day or a tiny event that doesn't go my way. I don't really have any advice. sorry.

Beth xx

*hugs*
PM me if you want to talk!! xxx

I'm sorry that things are so difficult for you right now, please get in touch with someone who can support you through this. Your safety is very important. Boredom and loneliness are common triggers, but you can make yourself feel less bored and lonely without self harming. What activities do you enjoy or what did you used to enjoy? Do something that takes a lot of focus and that you can get stuck into. Is there anything new that you would like to try? Maybe the next time you go swimming with your friend you could actually go swimming. That would keep you occupied, allow you to be active, and give you some time to be with other people.

You say that you went back home to do nothing, again, that would only lead to boredom and triggering thoughts. It's a good idea to try to plan out your day and have a list of activities that you can do instead of sitting around doing nothing. Well done with going out with your friend, even though it scared you, you managed to do it. That is a huge achievement. Try to work on building that up.

It sounds like you do have things to live for but are having trouble seeing them or feel that you need more. What would make things at least a little better for you? You do still have friends and you can make more. I'm sure that you can also get a job, maybe starting off with voluntary work would help you to get back into employment. Please stay safe and take care. I'm here if you need anything.

The only activity I enjoy doing is writing, but the problem is that I do it at home.

I love writing, but it means being stuck on the computer or in the house all day.

I don't really know of anything I would like to do, I wanted to take a night class about Japanese culture but I think I'd be too scared to go out of the house to attend a class with a room full of strangers. o_O

Or I'd freak out in the middle of the class one day, and get horrible looks.

I have about two friends, that's it. The others all got tired of me - sad thing is, it was my fault.

:crying:

Natalie has invited me to go swimming again, and to be honest I would actually like to go swimming but I'm worried.... the chlorine will make the cuts hurt. And I just don't want to let her down again, by going with her and then leaving her to swim on her own.

I have thought about some voluntary work actually, but same again, I think I'd be too scared to do it - and I'd lack the motivation.

Maybe I should push myself to do something... but then what happens if something goes wrong, or doesn't go exactly how I want it to?

I'm a very controlling person, I like my life the way I want it to be, if you get what I mean...

Hi hun... I am sorry about what happened today... it sounds rotton...

Like people have said boredom is a massive trigger.. do you know what else might of triggered you to hurt yourself...

Did being with your friend at the pool not help you to be distracted...

*squishes*

Being with my friend, well I was looking forward to going swimming and then I realised that there was chlorine in the water.

I'd cut about an hour earlier, and had a dressing on it... so I couldn't exactly go swimming could I...

o_O

I'm feeling shit again guys, I didn't want to waste space on RYL by making another thread.

I don't see a reason to be here. I find life pointless.

Me and my friends had an argument today, it was about my SI. They want me to stop, and I basically yelled at them that 'I can't stop, can't you fucking see that?' and thrust my brand new cuts into their faces (not literally but I pushed my arm to their eye level).

:crying:

I bought a new blade, and I'm sitting here with it in my hand, gripping it (the handle, not the actual blade) really tightly, wishing I had the courage not to use it... because I WILL use it.

:ermm:

Don't hate me please, I know you are all trying to help, but those fucking urges, they are just too much for me to handle.

Samantha x

Oh i am so soory for the crap u r feeling. And u are not pathetic, you are just in the shitesst of places atm. I really advise that you go to the dr and see if they can help you in any way. Are you getting help?

Please dont ever think your pathetic cos your not and i think that it is strong of you to actually come on this website and write. i really wish you the best and please go get help, it sound as though you r too risky to control your erges to cut.
God bless.

and PM me when ever you may want.

And btw thanks for your reply to my thread

Oh i am really worried abt you, please reply and you do have the strength. I can see how frustrating it is to be told to stop because when you feel like that is your only safety net it shows that those people have no idea of what your going through and that the only thing that keeps you sane is by cutting... am i making sensce.

please take care and get help,
plus do you think that you are safe tonight???

It's ok, I hope I helped you.

I don't think I will be safe tonight.

I have urges, I have to give in to them... I won't cut deep, last time I had urges like this I didn't cut deep. I only cut deep when I cry, and I'm not crying...

Sorry, I'm a useless person...

I can help others but can't help myself...

I cut. It's not deep.

I'm a failure.

I'm sorry guys.

I knew this would happen...

Time to go and raid my first aid box :P