What Left To Do? Where To Turn? Who To Turn To? I Don't Know Anymore.. I Give Up..
 

On everything.. My whole life.. Why couldn't things jujst be easier? How I wanted them to be? Me happy, him happy, his family happy.. But no, that's not what happens is it?! No..

I have to go and get into an ED don't I? I have to go and stop eating, make myself happy for once, by making myself skinny.. And he even said.. If it's what'll make you happy, then I'm happy.. Yes I know he couldnm't just stand back and watch me.. But.. He shouldn't have said it in the first place..

So, his parents know. I find out the whole truth of what they think of me finally, because he tells me.. Tells me his Mum doesn't believe that I went into hospital because of my suicide attempt about a month ago.. Well, that none of his family believe it.. Even though I have the scar to prove it, I could get the medical records.. But it's not about proving it.. They should believe me anyway..

They seem to think I'm an attention seeker, yeah just because one thing after another keeps coming up doesn't mean that I'm an attention seeker, just for having a problem then that clear up and another problem come along..

Everyone in my family, except just one of my sisters suffered/suffers with depression, and so do I.. Do they not get that I'm trying my f*cking hardest to get help?!

No, I don't wnat the ED to get better, but it'd be nice if the other stuff did, so that the ED wouldn't have come along in the first place..

Death right now is the only place I feel like going.. I just feel like falling asleep and never waking up.. But what would that do to everyone that knows me? It'd destroy them.. But every f*cking thing I do upsets/destroys/annoys people!! WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING RIGHT??!!! I'm such a f*cking failure at everything!!

And even the voices are back about the cutting, about the suicide, about the ED.. Starve b*tch, starve, die b*tch, die, and cut yourself to shreds, no-one will notice, it'll be an easy death, no pain no gain.. Remember that motto, always been a motto you've had isn't it? Now DIE!!!

God, I just want to die..
I'm so tempted to cut, can't stop thinking about it.. Don't want to let myself down again, but.. What the f*ck? Who cares? I don't.. No-one should.. I'm obviously not worth it anymore..
I just need some support..

Hunni, dont do anything rash ok.
*huge hugs*
His family obviously dont understand the dylemma you are in, or that you are struggling. You're not an attention seeker dobt ever let anyone tell you you are!!
Ignore those voices as best you can hun, they're lying to you!! I care!!!
I'm here to support you, anytime, ok?!?!
PM me if you need me!! You can beat this hun!! I know you can, look after yourself, you deserve so much more than this!! Please, please look after yourself!! Here for you!! xxx

*hugs*
Do you have any proffesional help for your troubles hun? Someone nutural to talk to about everything?

Could you console in a family member? You say you have sisters who have suffered from depression, do you feel able to talk to them or even your parents about how you're feeling?

Opening up to those around you when you are feeling unsafe is really important hun, they care a lot about you and want to know when you aren't feeling safe.

I wish I had more hun, please stay safe
Xxxx

I'll try not to do anything rash, but the urges are just gettign way too strong.. I feel like giving up so badly.. Just slipping away unnoticed, that feels so good to say it.. So many people have said it and the last people to say it were people that I shouldn't have listened to or cared about..

Yet i want to listen to and care about him and his family..

I may need that PM, thanks :)

and no, I don't have a family to talk to.. I got kicked out at 16 and so have no-one to talk to.. I can't talk to my key support worker at the youth hostel I live tat, it's all too deep and stuff he shouldn't have to deal with.. My one sister who has been through depression got thrown lies about me by my adoptive parents (the ones who I shouldn't have trusted or listened to) and so believes them so couldn't help me, she'd just go against me..

I have professional help, but it's finishing next week.. So I've nothing and no-one to be honest.. I wish I could open up yet I find it so damned hard!! I wish I could open up to my bf, but it's about his family, so how can I?!

Oh My God, this is horrid.. I wish I could just go.. leave this Earth, put everyone out of their misery and pain..

I wish so much that I had someone to turn to.. But I'm always supporting others, not that I am complaining, just that.. I never give myself the time for help you know?

I wish that I could stop being such a waste of time, energy and space and just die.. Why didn't I die when I was a baby? Why did my Dad have to find me?

I don't know what to do anymore.. I give up.. Again..

*holds* im sorry i cant help right now, but you know im here and i love you
xx

Thanks Allie, I know you're here, but I just can't go dumping any more on you.. You have your own issues and I can detatch myself from others' issues, which is why I want to help you so much, despite feeling so bad..

I have written down what the demon in my head is saying and I feel a little better for it, but my friend caught a glimpse of it whilst I was writing it, despite trying to hide it :crying: I'm so embarassed because now he knows how I feel and he's gunna come into my room, just to make sure that I'm ok and to make sure I don't do what he saw me writing I'd do..

I hate this, life sucks..

:rose: :eek: hugs kirsten i had no idea that you were feeling this bad or that you were hurting so much that makes me the most awfull friend in the world. i know things will get better for you i can totaly sympathise with where you are comming from. my voices are comming back to huant me. so i Know what your going through. but please kirsten if anything was to happen to you i would never forgive myself it would tear me apart hunni, please dont do anything you will later regret. pm me anytime. hugs iam thinking of you now and always. Nancy81

I'll be fine, always am.. I don't like to bother people when I know they already have somuch going on, which is why I don't tend to talk to you in so much detail about it..

So.. Honestly, don't worry about me.. I will get it sorted. It's the same for you, though Nancy.. I have been through everything that you have and possibly more, and look at me, I'm copming out of the other end, or trying to at least.. That's what you need ot do.. Yes it's a very long and hard struggle.. But if you are determined enough you will get there in the end..

I wish I didn't feel so bad, but.. You know.. There's always times when I have down moment, I never go a day without, but that's all part of it I know.. So.. Well.. I don't know really, just keep fighting i guess.