A voice. TRIG sexual abuse, SI GRAPHIC!!
 

The demon Voice is back inside my head.
I have been Suicidal for the past few weeks,
with each day getting stronger.

..

Im scared.
Demon wants me to break my hand.
and slowly kill myself through THOUSANDS of tiney cuts
so im blood drained.
like a nightmare.

Demon wants me to break my hand first.
gradually. over time. keep hitting the wall over again every day.
untill its HUGE and bruised and nearly black.

then BREAK IT.
punishment and then EXTREME pain.
then the cutting will begin.

Demon wants me to die.

I have been trying to look for things Trace.
Really i have. things have been out of my budget
or things ive tried too often to believe in anymore.

Demon went away to give me a break, so he did me a favour, this is his pay back. he likes to see my pain. Demon was good to me.
taught me how to hide and lie and pretend to be ok, Demon,..says he missed me.

Demon brings back images i dont like.
Demon wants me to hurt. payback.

Demon doesnt like Zallie

tell someone.
but im scared.
i dont know who to tell.

am i being stupid?

Trace, thank you. ily,
im scared, Demon really wants me to hurt myself.

whats scaring me, is having to fight this again, of being hurt and of losing. i've already started on my hand.

i know i have so many here who care about me,. and that makes this eeasier to fight, but im scared of not being believed by the professional.s

i've been brushed off over so many things for so long.

but i guess i have to keep trying, always search for something different.
im just scared and tired.

i can NEVER thank you enough

xx

Oh Allie..

Now I understand why you couldn't voice it earlier..

None of what you are saying is supid darling.. You don't deserve this. Nuh-uh, not at all.. You are an amazing and wonderful person, whom many people love.. Demon is nasty, wants you to hurt, wants to punish you for something you don't even know about.. Demon is wrong..
You are right.

You really do need to keep trying different things, I had to do that and I still haven't fully got the help I so desperately want and need, but it will come, soon enough.

I love you :)

xxxxxxx

i love you too, you know this, thank you
xxx

that sounds like a good idea Trace.
i am scared.

i will go to my doc.
tommorow?
hopefully.

what am i going to do if they dont believe me?
its so strong here in my head.

I'm sure that they will believe you, if you put it across strongly enough, they'll have to believe you and tell them that you have wanted help for so long and been reaching out, yet nothing has come your way.. Could they help you?

Hopefully then, something will be done, love

xxxx

i really hope so.
maybe my hand is proof?
i dont know.

ive started to bruise it, Demon is a little quieter when i start something, but he'll soon notice if i dont keep it up. then he is so loud i cant sleep.
i dont know. .. maybe they'll tell me im attention seeking!! wont that be grand. they've told me that before when i told them about Demon.

i cried for so long. i wish the could see how real this is.

Change doctors if they do it again, and tell them that you're going to do so.. That may change their minds and if it doesn't screw them, go to a better surgery.. You deserve better than this, Allie, and you know deep down that you do..

Love you xxx

i am going to my docs tonight just to update. thank you guys

sending much love

xx

i am scared of going to my docs.
i have a headache, i dont want Demon to be around cos he wont let me tell the truth.

im scared.

very scared.

i going to try my best, im just glad of the fact he isnt here right now.
:) he IS a liar and he IS a bully, i know this, he convinces me sometimes, but im trying so hard, .. i havent punched the walls today not even once :)

pooooooooooooooooop.

i have to stay late at work.

IM only going to stay for half an hour, thats all i can do.
my boss is not going to be happy considering i have explained nthing to him. but to hell with it, its over time and hes a big boy now.

How'd you get on hun? Sending loads of hugs, and hoping you're okay and they listened xxx

hey, thanks for all the support guys, it went so well at the docs.

i have another appointment to see my actual doc on monday at 11.00am.

but here's how it went with the locum (i took this printed post but didnt use it, i was talking too much)

i was so nervous, and i went in, unsure of myself at first, not really knowing what to say. feeling DUMB cos i didnt have a "medical" problem. but he was very patient and understanding. I was stumbling and pants in my words, but i got there in the end telling him EVERYTHING about why and how im feeling.

i feel rubbish, because im being screwed over left right and centre by a lot of people. i feel i've been let down a lot by the people im closest to (RYL people are FAB though!) i have no home. i am currently staying with friends after moving out of my home thinkin i was going to be moving in with a friend, who was supposed to save up the deposit as he ha no rent to pay and i did. so i moved out and here he was with no flat deposit and i dont think he's goin to get any.

i talked about how i felt let down by my family and friends, who were never available to talk, and if by some miracle of nature they were, they were unhelpful and sometimes downright spiteful.

i talked about how i feel trapped and frightened and unsure of everything and it felt impossible to see any positives which led to me feeling overwhelemed and selfish, like a failure.
my eating seemed like it was controling me and i was left in pain after eating, emotional pain and then physical because of what i would do to my body exercise and puring wise, after i had eaten due to my heads instructions. not eating left me satisfied and alone. i was scared of people. eating, or the lack thereof was my stabilty, in what i see as an unstable world. weight is my way to show people i am better than they think i am.

my suicidal thoughts were stronger due to the return of a voice, Demon.
he is VERY controlling, and has the worst effect on myself harming, because he is desperate for me to hurt myself.

sometimes he is IMPOSSIBLE to resist, sometimes i can resist him. those times are SO hard for me as it is exhausting fighting him ALL the time. the worst thing is his laughter when i try to sleep.

i HATE that. it makes me feel sick. and i want to die.

there were some other things i dont want to go into right now, i may update later, with more i said, but im feeling quite positive now, and im so glad he listened.

im going to discuss meds with my doc on monday and for now the locum sent a letter for me to be put on the waiting list for therapy at my local hosipital.

there is hope.

xxx

love Zallie

Well done Allie, I'm sure everyone here is sooo proud of you!! I know I am for one!!

Well done, love, you deserve all the help you can get because you're o amazing and I love you so much!! *squishes!!*

Lotsa love and keep up the good work! :) xxxxxxxxxxx

forgot you were leaving early, dear collegue..

i need someone.