I Gave In....
 

For 3 days people have been calling me, texting me and banging on my door. They say i MUST talk to them. I MUST tell them what is wrong. For 3 days i have been barricaded in my apartment, refusing to take any calls from the staff here at my institution. I let them see me tonight for a whole minute just to stop them assuming i had overdosed again and was lying dead in here. I said i didn't wanna talk and then i said goodbye and closed my door.

Blood...... Blood is running down my arms..... After a month and almost two weeks..... It feels strange..... I am pouring my troubles out yet again... I am a failure. I promised myself i would never make that "one tiny cut" again..... Now my arm is full of them.... I am bleeding.... I am now whole again.

I don't know what is gonna happen to me..... I refuse to go over to supper each day. I refuse to pick up my phone when they call. I do not answer any text messages. I refuse to open my door for them.

I am killing myself in small amounts. I drink at night. And listen to heart breaking songs. I sleep at day. I do not care for myself anymore. I am already dead.

I don't wanna talk to THEM because they just let me down. I do not wanna hear how worried they are because they can't possibly be. They do not care and they never have cared. They killed my spirit and now i'm the one left to pick up the pieces.

I owe money to the bank..... I have ****ed up royally. It's almost funny if it wasn't so goddamn sad.....

It's hard but you get up and do it all over again. Something happens that let's you know that you're over the hump, that things will get better from here, and you lift yourself up and start over. It's okay. everyone does it. And I think you're going to do it too. Sooner, rather than later. (But only because I've been on here long enough to see you spring back *wink*). I remember when you've given me an encouraging word or two. You'll be there again. I believe in you!

D.

oh hun..i am sos orry.
maybe now ias the time to go to them and say 'see i told you i wasnt feeling better and you all brushed it off'. Sad but they seem to need 'proof' of it, like so many others before they will act and believe. So maybe you can turn out to work for you. TELL them you have felt this the whole time and held off but because of how they responded this is the ned result. It has never sounded like they know much of SH or how to help.
You can still possibly work this out to be good...
pls try..i KNOW youhave tried WAY more youshould have to over the years there..i know that hunni. you have fought long and hard without their support and help. Dont let them weasel away again without helping or the good old 'take a trank' bullshit anymore.
wish i was there.
luv you
romp

*supportive hugs*
you arent a failure
this does not change the month and a half that you were cut free - you were still strong enough to go that long and that is definitely something to be proud of
i know you dont want to but I think you need to talk to at least one person about this
you are in a bad way right now and you deserve help and they arent just banging on your door to pester you, it is because they care
if they didnt care they would just let you shut yourself out
people do care about you - a lot of people
keep fighting and be strong
get up and take a nice bath and get something to eat - that is a good place to start
you need to look after yourself hun
be safe
xxxooo

Thank you for your replies. They really helped me. I don't know what i would do without you guys to kick me in the butt sometimes....

I went over there. I talked. And they said: "we always care about you, even if you don't feel we do"

Bullshit!!!!! They brushed me off like a ****ing dramaqueen. They said, "as long as you don't cut we can only assmume you're doing better!!!" **** off!!!!!

I had hoped these wounds would fade in a couple of days because my mum knows nothing of this. She is gonna come by on sunday and i haven't told her how bad things have been. I have laughed on the phone. Brushed off any worry. I have acted like everything has been perfect.

I haven't seen my therapist for a month and a half. Today i got a letter that cancelled my appointment on this tuesday. Holy cow, is everyone around me going mad???????

Please try not to play your troubles down. Im sure your mum would want to help you if she knew you where in pain.
Your not a drama queen. Your in pain and your suffering. You are doing your best to cope in any way you can.
Please keep fighting it and try to talk to the people who want to help you.

Take care
Kim