What's the point?
 

I've been SI free for a little over a year now, and I don't know why anymore. I don't care about anything anymore, and I don't know why. Nothing has gone horribly wrong in my life, and I should be happy. But I'm worse than unhappy, I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. But nothing has changed. Maybe someone who's been SI free for a long time can help me out here, is it normal to just stop caring about not SIing?
I guess I didn't really think about it until I answered someones post about how I keep myself from doing it. The only reason I don't cut now is because it's easier to just tell people that they can get better.
What the fuck?
My head is so screwed up right now...I'm completely miserable and I don't know why. I don't know what to do...
I feel a relapse coming on, and I don't want to deal with what will happen if I do...

Wow, that does seem pretty tough. But if you've gone on this long, even if your notquite sure why, then how can you relaspe now. Do you WANT to, or are you feeling overwhelmed?

I don't even know what I'm feeling. I don't know if I want to. I'm just sick of pretending that I'm okai when I'm not. I'm so far from okai..I'm in the same spot I've been in since the begining, I'm just better at hiding it. I don't want to let everyone down, but I'm so sick of taking care of everyone else. I know it's selfish...but I can't take this feeling anymore. It's not even just emotional anymore, I'm cold and sore and I just hurt everywhere. I feel like my heart is physically breaking.

I've been trying to get my dad to make an appointment for me (because of our insurance he has to make my appointments) and he keeps saying he will. But I've heard that before. I don't think he believes that I still need help. It seems like as long as I can wear short sleeves, he thinks there's nothing wrong with me.

I've tried talking to him about it so many times...it just feels like he won't listen. Like he doesn't want to hear it. I know he cares...he just doesn't get it. He says that he'd do anything to help me but when I say this is all I need he says he'll make an appointment "later". I can't count the number of times he's said "later" and never done it. I know it's not because he doesn't care but I just feel like there's nothing I can do to make him call. And I can't afford to go on my own.