My therapist said it's ok if I kill myself...
 

I am so confused right now...I see a therapist for my ED and at the moment I'm having a lot of suicidal thoughts and am self harming worse than I have before.I've been really honest with my therapist and told him about what plans I have to finish everything and that I have this voice in my head telling me I need to end it all...that I don't know how much longer I can contain this.

I saw him today and he basically told me that it is ok if I kill myself and now I don't know what to think...I wanted someone to tell me that it is the wrong thing but in his words he said if I decide that is the best thing then he can't tell me what to do or stop me.I am so angry and hurt he said that,I really thought I was making progress with him and beginning to trust him and now I want to shut myself away and just destroy myself.Maybe I should just get it over with,it seems to be what everyone wants...I don't know why I bother trying.

well done for telling him that must have taken alot, but please dont listen to him.
i hate it when they take that approach and tell you its ok to do something it obviously isnt healthy to do (like cutting or purging) it makes me so confused, so i guess i sort of understand how your feeling.
please dont take it as he wants you to do it because im pretty sure he doesnt, and no one else does either, im sure my saying that wont change how you think but its worth a try?.
one thing i can tell you for sure is that no one here wants anything bad to happen to you, and no one here wants you to kill yourself.
*huggles*

My social worker said to me about a particular method of self harm which Im not going to say on here, " I don't think using x is a very good idea, but I you know that and Im not going to stop you" So that wasnt saying shes happy with me doing it and its ok, but she wasnt telling me not to either- she was telling me the decision of what I do is up to me, my responsibility. I think that is what your counsellor was doing. Because if you really want to kill yourself, there is nothing he or any one can do about that: it is your responsibility.

There is a difference between him telling you he WANTS you to kill yourself- which I can promise you is the last possible thing he wants, and him telling you the choice of whether you take your life is your own.

I agree with crazy rabbit that you should try and explain to him how it made you feel- print out the post and show. Then he might be able to explain to you more what he meant.

I think you might have got the wrong idea from what he said. As everyone else has said, he wasn't trying to say that it's a good idea or that you should. It sounds like he was trying to make you see that he can't control what you do. If you decide to take your life, he can't stop you. I'm sure he doesn't want you to, because I can't even imagine what it would be like to have a patient commit suicide. He wants to help you, he just didn't use the right words. And even if that is what he meant, I wouldn't listen to him. It's never the right decision. Keep your chin up dear, it'll all get better eventually.

I agree with the others, he was trying to convey to you that he can't physically stop you from hurting yourself or ending your life. The responsibility for that rests with you.
I know it can be one of the hardest things to hear and take in, because we're so desperate for protection.
But taking back that control of ourselves for keeping ourselves safe is one of the most empowering things there is.

*hugs*

He wasn't telling you that it was ok to kill yourself hunni, he really wasn't. He just meant that he physically can not stop you - but no one wants you to kill yourself, nobody.
Please keep fighting hun. xxxxx

Please ask him the next time you see him how he meant it.
Mine ideas are EITHER he was angry and/ or afraid because he felt like he couldn't reach you (and therefore felt like a failure)
OR he wanted to take pressure away because as someone said before saying "You are not allowed to do this!" is putting more stress to you and some people (like me, by the way) deal with rules by rebelling and doing the opposite when they feel forced.
Hugs, don't do anything because it would be very sad if a simple misunderstanding would be the cause of a death,
Judith

I guess I understand where you are all coming from...I know I have to face up to the fact that it is my choice and responsibility,I think maybe I am pushing my therapist to tell me that it is ok for me to die and try and justify how I feel about myself.

I am just finding it so hard to cope with everything right now that in a way I wish someone would tell me that it is "wrong", to protect me from myself and this really loud voice I have inside my head.It's exhausting trying to ignore it all the time and I'm scared one day soon I won't be able to stop it and I'll do something just to get it to shut up,I hate it.I feel like I have no boundaries surrounding anything I do and I really do know that at the end of the day no-one can save me except myself and that is why I chose to go back to therapy which was a big step in itself.

I don't know anymore,my therapist told me to hang on,if I go then I won't know how I will feel in 3,6,12 months...but how long do I wait?What if nothing is better after that time?

I feel like he got frustrated with me yesterday as I go over a lot of the same stuff every session or I sit in silence but I'm trying to get across to him that I have to kill myself because I have done so many bad things I can't be forgiven for but because I haven't told him what those things are,I think he thinks I'm just dragging the whole process but I'm so ashamed of finally letting the truth out.

I guess he was trying almost a little reverse psychology, but it went wrong maybe he thought by telling you this that it might make you fight & change your mind, I don't think he really meant it he obviously just didn't know how else to react. Maybe try explaining to him that it's made you feel worse & try & work out how you can move on from this & get by, *hugs* hope your ok, try to think positive & just keep an open mind.

I am ashamed of things that have happened and things I have done which stops me telling my therapist and I am scared I will say something that he doesn't want to hear,that he can't cope with and he will reject me and pass me on to someone else to deal with.I don't want to hurt him by telling the truth about my past.I don't want someone else to end up hating me or being disgusted with me.I'm scared he won't believe the things I tell him,even though he has said he has no reason not to believe me, I am just getting more and more paranoid as the weeks go on and am slowly disengaging with therapy which has happened so many times before.

I have already disclosed that I was abused by my parents,something I have never told anyone before and I am beating myself up with guilt for telling someone.I am worried my dad will find out if I say more about what happened.

My therapist said to me that he doesn't want to see me if it is making things worse because there is no point if I'm going to harm myself more but the truth is that it is making everything a million times worse and I'm worried if I admit that he will tell me to stop coming and my sessions are my only lifeline at the moment.

Hey hun i know how awkward things may be but try & be as honest with your therapist as you can, if you feel you need the therapy sessions i would advise you continue, anything you tell him is confidential, so nothing should get back to your parents unless he felt you where in immediate danger, & if things do get bad then maybe you need to talk with your therapist about some kind of refuge in the case of an emergency, I'm sure he'll understand. Just try to be strong & if you need to talk we're here ok hun *hugs*.

I agree with what everyone is saying. Try opening up to someone (like one of us) first. You should already know that we won't judge you. All of us have done things that we're ashamed of.
I really think that you should talk to him about it. He won't reject you. It's his job help you work all of these things out. He obviously cares about you if he said to stop treatment if it makes you worse. I guess that is a little confusing from a patient point of view, but it means that he doesn't want to be adding to what's already going on with you. Just be honest, open up with him, and be accepting of any help he has to offer. You'd be suprised how much it can help.
Good luck sweetie!
*hugs*