Pointless.
 

I'm really not sure about posting this, but I don't know... if anyone has a bit of advice, anything I could do to get myself back on track, please don't hold it back ;) I'm just trying to make some sense of what's in my head I suppose.

Recently I've tried again to distance myself from my surroundings - pretty much everyone, at least emotionally. I withdraw, I keep my phone switched off and messenger contacts to a minimum, because it's the sensible thing to do. My depression just gets worse, my mind keeps trying to convince me that no one cares, no one loves me, it's all worthless... I suppose most of you know what I'm talking about. When I'm in this state the smallest thing hurts me deeply, makes it so much harder to believe people, even though it's not their fault - so I try and stay away. I think I'm just too good at hating myself these days. Sometimes I think that will never change. I just can't stand the person I am, and it doesn't help much when others try to reassure me I'm not all that bad. I don't share everything with them. I think if I could, I'd hide even from myself, but since that's not possible I see every flaw, every thing I did wrong down to the smallest bit.

I'm so caught up in my thoughts it's difficult to focus on the here and now, let alone my future. It's ridiculous, really. Memories keep sneaking up on me, all stuff that's long past and hasn't bothered me for a long time. Now, though, it feels like it was yesterday. It makes me feel physically ill at times, and it's been getting worse. My eating pattern is totally off, although I really couldn't care less about my weight these days. Most of the time I simply forget to eat, so I'm pretty much on a caffeine diet. At least it keeps me going for a while. I'm not sure how much longer my body can stand this, but hey, I'll live. I'm back to cutting every day - I know it's not helping. I just can't fight that and my mind at the same time. "My own worst enemy" - too damn true.

I kinda miss having something resembling a support network. My family think I've recovered; I'm not going to tell them I'm falling apart again. But all I have are online friends now, really. The friendships I had in RL have pretty much vanished, and though I'm not that sorry about the people I lost, it hurts to be lonely.

I didn't really realize just how bad things have become till I tried to write it all out. I just can't see myself getting better anytime soon. I'm not that strong. And I know this is probably hard to reply to... sorry and all that.

Posh! You have nothing to be sorry about! You sound exactly like me. I think everyone that's severely depressed goes through a time of distancing yourself from others, but it's those people that you are pushing away that you really need right now.

As much as RYL has helped me, seeing someone and talking to someone face-to-face would probably be a good thing for you. I know it's hard, especially since you probably feel like you would be letting everyone down if you did admit to having problems again, but it's just not true. They want to see you happy, just like I do. There's nothing to be ashamed of in wanting to get better.

And you are strong enough to talk about your problems and to admit that you need people to talk to. That is strength in itself. There isn't anyone in this world who throughout their lives have been able to handle every difficult time they have come across by themselves. That's why you have friends and family and counselors to help you face difficult times such as this.

I hope I was some help to you. I truly sympathize with you, because I was there myself a very short while ago... Please take care, and feel free to talk to us about anything.

No need to be sorry! I think your best bet will be talking to a doctor or therapist for some help. You can just tell your family that you have been feeling depressed recently and would like some support from a therapist. I think they will understand that. There's no shame in it. Though I know that is harder than it sounds. Take care.

Thanks for your replies. And yes, someone saying "I know how you feel" does help sometimes. As much as I wouldn't wish this on anyone... ah, you know what I mean ;)

Your suggestions are sound - but wouldn't work, I think. My mother, while worrying about me, has her own issues to deal with. In fact she's going to be sectioned soon, at her own request, and I hope it works out for her - she certainly needs it. There's no use in talking to her, she's simply in no position to support anyone. The rest of the family is pretty much out of the question ;)

I quit therapy last year (I didn't get along with my therapist at all), when I was suicidal and honestly didn't think I'd stick around long enough for it to make any difference. The downside is, I'm still here, and my health insurance won't cover therapy for the next two years - apparently, when I quit, it was regarded as a sign that I didn't need it. Hence I'm pretty much on my own, I suppose. I just have to take care of myself, but... well, it's exhausting.

A while ago I researched my options somewhat, but like I described, they're limited. I believe there are some charity support thingies going on in my area, but that's mostly for emergencies. I'd rather try and make it through on my own. I've never been good at talking about my feelings (now there's a surprise ;) ) and find it easier, in some ways, to just lie low for a while when things become too difficult.

Thanks, though :) I appreciate you took the time to reply.

Hey, no problem! As long as you think that you can make it. I just hate seeing people like this... If you ever need anything, you know where to come :) hehe.