Came back from A& E *OD/Abuse/bullying*
 

:notsure:
So I came back from A & E. What I had taken was harmless, but the thing is, the fact I wanted to kill myself, they said it was very serious. I cried while they were taking my blood, because I still want to die, I was so pissed that it did nothing to me, the thing is, even my Mum was crying to me, saying " She wants to die and I can't handle her anymore", She wanted me to go IP, I knew i wouldn't. All the doctors kept staring at my arms: " You obviously self harm", yeah I do, get over it. They then had to get the mental health doctor, the psycologist, to be assessed. She wanted to see me on my own, She was really nice, and said the perfect things back. I talked about everything in my past, Dad,grandparents,bullying. Then she asked me about my suicidal thoughts, and I said sometimes they get pretty graphic. I said I don't regret what I did, cause it feels like I have accomplished something in my life. I still want to f**cking die. I still want to do it, so much. And my Mum was yelling at the psych " YOU TRY LIVING WITH HER". I was just like fine, I'll live on my own at 16. Then I can be free to SI and attempt as much as I like. I hated it. I hated them staring at me like a circus freak, at my arms. Then those poor sympathy looks, for god's sake. Doesn't anyone get it yet? I deserve to die, all I do is create misery for everyone. The Psych. made me feel alot better, because she didn't blame me, and she seemed to understand both points of views, my Mums and mine. She said " you've obviously had a rough time". I kept getting flashbacks in the toilets with Lauren. So i started ripping the bottom of my jeans,
" well that's better then taking it out on your arms" the psych, said and I giggled. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm just so bored. Life is so pointless. I'm already thinking about ODing again today, I thought I could go to the pharmacy and buy some ________. and do it tonight. But I probably wouldn't be able to get them because you have to have ID, and I'm not old enough yet. damn. :crying: Can't a murderer just drop down today and kill me now. i can't deal with this. I can't. Fuck off Lauren. Fuck off my supposedly caused FAther, and fuck off grandpa. I'm fed up of people hurting me. They won't be able to if I was dead. I want someone to kill me so badly. I've got a list of plans that I want to do. And now I've got the bedroom downstairs, i can do something so easily. Maybe I can do it tonight, oh I don't know anymore. It probably won't work, they never work. The stupid plans. I still have the swollen throat from the pills, it was horrible they had to feel my stomach, yuck.

I'm so glad the psychologist was supportive and caring. It sounds like your mum is having real difficulties herself, and could also benefit from some support.
Have they offered you any follow up support?

Yeah family therapy, they suggested. I feel really guilty on my mum.xx

I wouldn't feel guilty about your mum. Remember that everyone in a family has their own issues that contribute to a situation. Which is why family therapy sounds like a really really good thing for you and your family.

Hey Hannah,

I'm so proud of you for going to A&E yesterday and for talking to the psych when she came to see you, it sounds like she was very understanding.

I know it isn't going to make any difference but I disagree with what you said about not deserving to live and just causing misery for everyone. It sounds like you have had a lot of misery to deal with in your life, inflicted on you by other people and perhaps it is them that has made you feel this way? You do deserve to live sweetheart, you sound like such a strong girlie and I know you can get through this. It sounds like it's really hard to fight for yourself right now and that's ok but could you find someone else to keep in mind? Like sometimes, if I'm really low and feeling suicidal I think of a good friend or my God-Daughter, is there someone like that you can keep in mind?

My Mum used to make comments like what your Mum said and it's really very hurtful but I'm sure your Mum doesn't mean it. She probably doesn't know what to do to help you and because she's so upset perhaps she takes it out in anger. Family therapy sounds like a good idea, you can all speak together then in a safe environment and hopefully you will all come to some agreements or have some thoughts on how to get through this together.

I am glad you don't have the ID to go through with what you wanted to do although I can relate and I know it's really frustrating. Hannah, please try and get through today. Keep posting on here if it helps you. You are worth it,

Lotti x

I'm thinking about getting a psych too.
I thought I could ask at my doctors.

hun, sorry your having a rough time, glad they have offered follow up support. dont feel guilty about your mum, you are the most important person here, need to concentrate about getting you better and then worry about other people after.
sending lots of love and cuddles, try and stay safe-if you feel triggered later just post and we will be here to support you

xxxx

Thank you pretty deliquent, that's why I talked to the psych. I thought alot about RYL, and I even told her about RYl and how much it is a huge booster for me.
And it prevents me from SI And sui alot, even though I still want to do it.
Thank you lil esky.
xxx

Hannah,

Do you have any vaild reason as to why you should die? can you pin point one thing you've done that makes you desereve to die? You haven't killed anyone, you haven't hurt anyone or done some evil crimes. There is no acctual good reason for you to die. Who deserves to die anyway? I don't beleive anyone should, not even people who've killed. Everyone deserves a chance to live & live there dreams, including you.

I think you need to keep holding on for a good while until you get your family therapy, then you can talk about everything you've been feeling about your dad & even your little sister.

Give yourself a chance to live, to make up for the childhood you've lost.
show everyone who's ever hurt you, you can over come there mess & f*ck ups, prove them wrong.

I love you,
x

I don't do anything right. ever,ever,ever. I can't do anything right. I hate myself so much. I know I do. I know I deserve it. I know I do. I've hurt you, my grandpa, my Dad,my Mum everyone around me. I won't stop hurting people. If I was dead maybe I could forgive myself.x

If I didn't do something 'right' would that make it okay & me desreveing to die? or anyone else? What would you say to someone in the same postion as you?

Has anyone ever straight out told you, you hurt them & they are never going to forgive you & you now deserve to die?
You need to remember people get over things, they get over situations & that includes being hurt. It isn't the worst thing in the world, people forget & move on.
Nothing you could have done to anyone could make you desereve to die. I don't think anyone you've hurt could look you in the eyes & tell you, you deserve to hurt like this.

x

Who says what's 'right' and what isn't, anyway?

I started raiding my Mum's cabinets, My dad doesn't want to talk to me anymore. My little sister found me looking for more pills. And she just emptied my pockets, I only found three anyway, and I think they're like active pills, like supplements. I know there's loads more on my Dad's side though, cause I remember him hiding them for me, when he found out I was suicidal.xxx

But my grandpa has never forgiven me, has he? EVER! Maybe he would be sorry too. I can't get it anyway. I can't do it anyway. I don't have enough. X

Shit I'm crying now. He's never back. He's never going to come back, my grandma is never going to come back. ever ever ever. I can't deal with that.

'Maybe he would be sorry too'
Is what you want from this, people realising what they've done to you? how much they've hurt you?
If it is, how would they know its effectivly their fault? There are many other ways which you can let them know how much they've destroyed you. Sometimes words can be more effective than actions.

If you killed yourself, wouldn't that be inflicting the same amount of pain on them, that they did to you? Would you really wish that on anyone?
Do you want people to cry everytime they hear a song that reminds them of you, becuase it was their fault, or because they didn't save you?

*holds you*

Crying is good, its a really good way of letting out feelings. Did you know its a natural anti-depressant? It really is good for you & when people say it'll make you feel a little better - it does. Its a lot less harmful then self-harming or overdoseing too.

You may not know how to deal with your feelings right now, but you can learn to. Maybe you could go see her grave & lay some flowers? Say a pray for her?

the pills I found aren't supplements, they're migraine subscription pills. And they're really strong. I know my Mum has more than this. I won't OD again, at least not today. And what if I still get bullied in Sixth form, they can't just magically mature, Helen they'll be in my class, won't they. Oh fuck. I won't be able to take it if they're in the same classes as me. Even if they have stopped, I won't, I won't be able to take it.
x

I don't want to be here if they're in my class. I won't, I refuse.

Why do you want to OD again?

A lot of the people in sixth form won't be the really nasty people who bullied you. The ones who are there will mature, they chose to go back to school & learn the things they love, they will be concentrating on that, not you. You can also change classes or get them removed from the classes your in, talk to your teachers.

If you can't take it atall, maybe going back to sixth form right now isn't the best of ideas? If your so unsafe & its just going to trigger you, maybe you should look at other options?