they dont want me going to school...
 

to make a very long story short, my parents (mother) dont want me to go away to university because she feels i wont be safe on my own. what she doesnt know, because i obviously cant tell her, is that im not safe here, and that its here that drove me to self harm (in my mind that is). she says she wants me to go, but has laid down certian requirements for me to meet before im allowed. all of my scars must have faded, i need to get rid of all of my tools, and i can no longer want to. these seem ridiculous to me. i have no control over how fast my scars fade, and i understand she wants me to no longer need to harm, but one step at a time right? im living without it right now, and im doing relatively alright, this will lead to not needing it. as for getting rid of my tools...out of the question. i just...cant.

the agreement before i told them i harm was that if i could get the grades, and get accepted they would pay half the cost for wherever i went. and i worked hard and got the grades, and got accepted to where i want to go, and i even have my half of the money (or will by the time we need to pay). i can understand that they will worry but they know how much i hate it here though i cant come out and tell them why.

ive been working incredibly hard to not harm so that i can go away to school. ive stopped spending time with friends so i can go to work and get the money. ive pulled countless all-nighters getting my homework done and studying.

i cant tell them exatly whats going on inside me becase theyll freak otu even more, which, in turn, freaks me out and makes me want to harm, defeating the purpose.

i dont know what to do.

~nemisis

I think you need to tell them, you're a young adult and it's your choice.

It sounds like you've been trying really hard, does your mother know how badly you want to go away? Have you tried to explain that it might help you?

ive tried telling them, my father knows and kind of understand how much i need to go away, but i cant fully explain it to them without saying how much i need to be away from THEM as much as HERE. and thats not fair to them. im going to try and get my father to talk some sense into my mother.

i never should have told them in the first place gah!

~nemisis

How about just explaining that you need to go away and do things for yourself properly, to gain some experience and responsibility. Explain to them that you wont be living at home forever, and this opportunity will give loaaads of experience and confidence. Perhaps trying to explain to them that self harm is a coping mechanism, and because you hurt yourself it doesnt mean your unsafe. It simply means your trying to cope with the stresses in your life.
Good luck, I hope it goes ok for you!
much love
x x x

I think you need to explain to your parents that you don't think staying home and being unproductive will at all make you feel safer and that you need to feel responsible and that you think starting something new will give you the opportunity to improve the way you feel etc.
As for requirements, they are stupid and pointless, but if it can help your mother let you go, I say, go for it if you can. I know it's annoying, and I would be furious in your case, but it seems your mother doesn't even want to try and make an effort so you're going to have to be more mature than her and to rise above it.
Good luck. And remember, it's worth it.

I agree with everyone else really - try and explain to your parents that you need the experience of being away from home, and the independence. It's understandable that they're worried about you - my family are worried about me going to uni in September as well - but you've worked hard to get into uni, and you deserve to have that experience.

Are you getting any help from therapists/counsellors or anything? With my therapist, she's going to help me learn some strategies over the summer specifically aimed at how to cope when I'm living on my own - is that any chance you could see if you could do something that like? If you could, that would benefit you obviously, but it might also help your parents, to reassure them or something.

Take care :)