Its just too much. [ED trigs]
 

Everything's just... gotten to be too much.

I'm tired of everyone being SO self-obsessed. Everything I try to do is wrong. I have f**king scream-o music blasted at me all the time from my brother's room so loud I cant think, and in the car, so loud i have to plug my ears with headphones so my ear drums dont vibrate uncomfortably. Everything is on somebody else's terms. I just try to make everyone happy and it blows up in my face. Im so stressed, revision I cant do, money I dont have, knowledge I dont have, talent I dont have.

I have not slept through the night in 2 months. 2 freaking months. Im exhausted all the time. It feels like every day more stressed is piled on my head, other peoples problems, that they wont open up about. I just want to help. I dont want to be forgotten about any more, ignored... like I'm not here. Please somebody just NOTICE ME. Im irritable, over-reacting, I know, but so would you be if you were this sleep-deprived and spent all day trembling, shivering, with legs like jelly, and a cloudy mind. I dont mean to snap at peopple, I dont mean to make mistakes but I do. But when I make mistakes nobody can let it go, including myself. When other people make mistakes I just forgive them, I do anything I can to make them feel ok about it. People are human, but I'm not allowed to be. I never say what I really think because I want to make everyone happy and it just brings me more and more stress. I want to change but that just makes me weak.

I wish I could say, I think you're wrong, that what you're doing is wrong, i wish i could yell sometimes, shake people, ask them what the hell they're doing, why they wont admit that theres a problem, or that they made a mistake.

Who am I? Why dont I feel better yet? Why cant I sleep? Why cant I be THIN? Its reaching the point where... Im always tired and cold and shaky, i think im probably anaemic, according to my BMI my weight is getting closer and closer to "emaciation". How can that BE?! I want somebody to notice... I want somebody to care, to just hold me and tell me I'll be ok. But I dont want help because I dont want to get better. And anyway, nothing is wrong, right?

I want to be happy but its out of my reach...

I want my old therapist back. She was the only one who ever really, genuinely tried to help me and manage to make me feel listened to and understood, and I felt like she really wanted to hear what I had to say. I miss her so much. I hate that she left to have a baby and I hate that they kicked me out of CAMHS and now I have NO therapy because NHS waiting lists are so long I'll be at uni by the time I get anyone. And what will be the point then?

I'm sorry you feel so bad right now. I dont know what to say apart from im here if you want a chat. Also i know how you feel with CAMHS, im being kicked out of CAMHS and NHS waiting lists are so long im not going to have therapy. Its ridiculous but what can we do? I hope you get some support soon, i know RYL can only help a little but little help is better than none at all right? We're always here.
*massive hugs*
Gemzx

*hands you a cuppa* :P

Have you tried your local connexions centre or crisis team for support? they might be able to get you someone to talk to quicker.

I understand how you feel as I forgive people easily and try to put everyones burdens on my shoulders and I try to make them feel better. And, I know how it is when you are hard on yourself... I have always been so hard on myself, and it's so easy to blame yourself for what other people say to you or how they act towards you when you are like that. And it's true... I know it might seem selfish for a person to say it, but it does seem like you go out of your way for people and they don't appreciate you going out of your way for them.

I usually turn to my best friends or to RYL if I start feeling like that because I know that there are people who do care about you and who don't judge you. You are a beautiful person. I know it's hard to see it, especially if you are hard on yourself, but I can tell just from your post that you are caring, kind, and genuinely care about other people. In this day and age, its rare to find people like that, and I value people like that as a friend that I know I can count on and who I know won't judge me for who I am.

*Hugs* I am here for you. And you deserve to be happy as much as anyone, especially since you sacrifice your happiness for others. So, double dose of happiness to you! Take care.