Sex and stuff
 

I am in a long term (approaching two years), long distance relationship with my girlfriend.

She generally has a higher sex drive than me at the best of times and given that I have just started some anti-depressants where reduced libido is a common side effect, this is likely to get worse.

The problem is that if I don't want to have sex with her, she becomes very insecure and thinks that it is because I don't find her attractive and I don't want her.

She will quite often tell me that she wants sex but I very rarely do (partly because I don't need any more than I'm already getting) but she interprets me not asking as me not wanting to because I don't find her attractive.

I've tried explaining that my wanting or not wanting to have sex with her does not change how beautiful I think she is but I haven't really got anywhere. She said that I can't think she's beautiful or "I wouldn't ever be able to keep my hands off her".

What can I tell her to try and make her less insecure and not purely associate her attractiveness with how much i want to have sex with her at any given moment?

Perhaps a physical sexual relationship is just not right for you right now?

Crazy Rabbit Lady: I do give her massages but they have a tendency to make her horny and one thing leads to another. Romantic walks could work but she doesn't often have much energy and doesn't like walking much. The main problem is that she lives hundreds of miles away and we only see each other about one weekend a month so there isn't much I can do.

She does have some issues that need sorting but I have tried and failed numerous times to get her to see a counsellor or a doctor about it. I'm hoping when she goes to uni in September, I may be able to persuade her to see one of the university people.


Matt: Without being rude but genuinely interested, what makes you think/say that? It's interesting and something I haven't thought about. I don't know.

I think what im saying is simply that perhaps you dont actually want to have a sexual relationship at this point in your life? Im not saying that this is because of some sexual defect or emotional deficiency, but simply that maybe its something thats not important or needed in your life right now?

Its like saying id like to have kids but i dont want any yet or id like to get a career but not for a few years yet etc etc.

Tis all.

I don't know. I probably don't enjoy sex as much as I could (beyond the superficial "hey, this feels good").

I'd wanted a relationship for a while and I still want to be in one. I suppose the sex probably feels more like a necessary condition of the relationship.

Maybe this thread is turning into something much bigger than I had first envisaged. :notsure:

Perhaps the things you most want from a relationship can be gained from a close platonic friendship instead of a relationship in the conventional sense? Friendship and genuine affection does not have to mean sex.

I assume you meant "does not". I don't know. You may have a good point. (Well you do have a good point and it may apply to me is what I mean).

I don't know. I mean I like the physical intimacy (the kissing and cuddling stuff) but not so much the more sexual stuff. I don't know.

edited it to add the not for you :P

hello, i can totally relate to your girlfriend sorry! my boyfriends libido is low as he smokes too much green! and because my sex drive is either through the roof or non exsistant im always the one initiating sex, and if i dont we dont have itl im incredibly insecure and think it is because he doesnt like me anymore, but i think the thing is that i have turned sex into the only thing intimate that we do, and therefore the only proof that he can stand the sight of me! personally i know i need him to do sweet things for me, you know silly romantic things, like occasionaly give me flowers for no reason, or take me out to dinner, to be honest its got to the point where im pleased if he'll sit on the sofa and watch telly with me! i think its just taking the time out of your day to do something nice, something intimate, something that shows you care. obviously this has to work on both sides! but i know to show him i care, and to proove to me he still likes me i only offer sex now. sorry if this makes no sense, just wanted to maybe give a point of view your girlfriend like me is suffering from!
and being long distance can work, me and my boyfriend did long distance for 2/3 years, it takes effort, but because he made the effort i think i was happier then i am now! he used to send me random things, even like a t-shirt he saw and liked for me. like everyone else has said, just do random affectionate things and hopefully it will help her self esteem.
sorry this is so long and garbled!
hope my point of view helped even ever so slightly!
all the best!
xxx

I have a higher sex drive than my husband. It used to really bother me. Now, I am very glad that in the middle of the night when my nightmares get too bad I can just curl up next to him and feel safe.

My husband really is my best friend, one I can cuddle with sometimes too.

Rob, I seem to remember you saying something in the past about your girlfriend having ED tendencies. Assuming that my memory is correct, I think that has a lot to do with what you're posting about now. She would already be pretty insecure with her appearance, and so she has probably convinced herself that shes not attractive and any time anything happens she can remotely attribute to that she does.

Long distance relationships are hard I think because so much of the intimacy of a relationship is gained from the day to day stuff. I agree with the above suggestion that little notes, gifts, texts etc may help. I know I have sentiments similar to your girlfriends, and I find that when my BF pays attention to me in other ways my feelings are reduce. Like for a while he made a point of texting me every day with some sort of affectionate text.

Hope you get it sorted out.

I've been on both sides of this.
To begin with I had a higher sex-drive than my b/f and did hate that he didn't appear to find me attractive or want to be affectionate. But now that I am a lot more independent and sorting stuff out I'm not at all interested in sex and I know he hates that!
For me, starting uni again and really getting my life in order stopped me even thinking about sex so what others have said about councilling sounds great (if your g/f would be open to the idea) and as she's starting uni maybe this will help her out?
From your side, I just try and get sex over with as quickly as possible so I can get on with sleep/work etc so I'm not sure how much help that is!
Well done on maintaining a long-distance relationship, that shows a lot of love in itself.
Good luck

I had the same kind of problem with my ex-girlfriend. I've been on antidepressants for two years and I know that my sex drive is so much lower than it used to be, and she sometimes got a little annoyed at that because she thought I didn't want her. We also had the same issue of being in a long-distance relationship (which never helps these matters).

In the end, I sat down with my girlfriend and just explained to her that I liked having sex with her, but the medication means that sometimes you just don't feel all that up for it. My girlfriend was ok about it, I think she just needed reassuring that it wasn't a matter of my attraction to her.

I hope you manage to work it all out, all the best sweetie :)