please....i cant do this anymore.
 

im so sorry for another thread.

im desperate.
i cant do this anymore.
i dont know how to live with this constant pain.
i cant walk.
im becoming more debilitated by the day.
i cant stop the flashbacks. ive tried so hard.
im so very very afraid.
ive NEVER felt like this before.
but since my father died.....these flashbacks have controlled my life.
i HAVE to get through this.
but i have no idea how.
im afraid my body may completely shut down.
ive been having trouble breathing and my legs barely function.
it has become this extreme.
im lost.....
Keith's bday is 1st of July. how am i going to see him like this????
oh God...im panicking.
i took the smallest things for granted....like peeing without pain...walking without pain...moving without pain. basically everything.

please...if ANYONE has any ideas.....please help me.
i am truly at my end......

have you ever tried hypnosis therapy?? supposed to be quite good and you couldnt resist talking about anything cos you wouldnt have any control over it. like trace said above conventional pain med not gonna do anything if it not physical pain..... o rhave we missed something and you do have physocal paim????
but you can do it!!! set yourself little goals rather than focussing on something that is still 5-6 weeks away cos that usually just panics you

sending lots of hugs and kisses *mwah* xx

Body psychotherapy is also good. Or a psychotherapist that works with body process - as mine does. It really helps.

Keep focusing on grounding here in the present, and be as gentle with yourself as you can.

thank you for replying so quickly.

actually ive talked to my psychologist alot about this. it is psychosomatic pain...but it is real...and pain killers do work. he did research on it and from what he told me....after a flashback, my brain tells my body that i am in pain...therefore i feel the pain. also....since i dissociated many times during the abuse.....i am actually experiencing the pain now as i didnt then.
however...my dissociating is becoming a problem again.....ive tried all grounding techniques.....sometimes they work...sometimes not.
this is the hardest part that ive been through concerning my PTSD. i used to have nightmares, but they are gone and replaced with flashbacks. i have no sense of the present when they attack me. my gf says they last about 2 minutes. she says my body tightens as if im in a seizure and i shake and scream or cry sometimes. i feel so humiliated that she witnesses them.

thank you for your help.
loves.
xxxxx

I understand.

((hugs you gently))

Hun, I'm sorry you're going through so much. I wish I had some advice for you but I've never been in your situation so I can only send my good wishes and support. If you ever need someone just to listen to you vent what you're feeling or anything you're always welcome to PM me

I can't even begin to understand how awful this must be for you - you are so strong to carry on everyday - there must be more the medical people can do for you - do they really understand how bad it is for you - if not is there anyway you can let them know - don't put on a strong face to them.

Hon i'm sorry things are so bad
I can only begin to imagine, flashbacks are awful but you will get through this
Keep talking to your dr, there must be other things to try
Sorry i don't have more
Loves xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hunni I'm so sorry things are this bad for you.
You inspire me Rach, you really do.
snuggles
xxxxx

thank you.
im sorry im just now getting back to replying.

im on pretty strong pain killers for my back......been on them for a few months. i use them for the flashbacks also. and i have used crutches before...it just feels so creepy. idk.

ive looked for PTSD therapists around here and there are none.
while in alot of my hospital stays i did EMDR and guided imagery which did help. i just dont think it "stuck". i need more.

my psych is very helpful. if he doesnt know how to treat a situation....he does his best to learn. he seemed very committed to helping me...but then he didnt call when he said he would. i probably overreacted by getting upset about that. it just rattled me because usually hes very consistent.

im feeling pretty well today. i managed to keep myself asleep the majority of yesterday to avoid flashbacks....and succeeded!!!

im awake today and have cleaned the kitchen and am doing laundry....and helping Kelly deal with little Kaleb. he's 4 and has become VERY sneaky. he got into my fingernail polish and remover!!! ive put everything up high so he cant reach. but he's clever.....he once piled all his stuffed animals on top of each other to reach the top of his dresser!!! so i dont know if putting things up will help.
he's been put to bed now because i asked him to clean his room and he didnt. hes quite a strong willed little guy.

anyhow....today is pretty normal......and i hope it stays that way.

thank you all.
xxxxxxxxxxxx

my psych called!!!!

he sincerely apologized for not calling when he was supposed to.
we talked for about 30 minutes.
just wanted to share the good news.
xxxxxxx

Glad you're feeling a bit better hun :) And that your psych finally got in touch with you. *hugs*

yay! your psych sounds lovely
if EMDR and guided imagery helped in the past but didn't stick, maybe you should do it again for a longer time and learn some techniques so that you can keep up with it so it will stick this time? maybe your psych can help you find a specialist or you could call some local hosps?

keep fighting Rach honey, and please don't be embarrassed because none of this is worth being embarrassed over. *hugs you*

Hi Rachel,
I'm sorry that I didn't respond sooner.

Something that my psychaitrist did for me it give me a prescription for an anti-psychotic that I can take if I'm freaking out. It helps a lot!

I'm glad that Kelly's four year old is smart enough to get in trouble if you see what I mean! Uh, have you and Kelly considered child-resistant latches? Or is he just the kind of person who will take them as a challenge?

*gives you a great big cherishing but not threatening bear hug*

how about accupuncture?
and hypnotherapy?
*hugs*

my mind isnt with me today.
just wanted to thank you guys for your suggestions.
loves.
xxxxxx

im sorry ive not been around ,
and thank you so much for your support of me,
i just want to offer some *caring supportive hugs* for you
you are in my thoughts

Dave

thank you Dave.
*snuggles you back*


i seriously cant do this anymore.
i WANT to dissociate. i WANT to stay in a dissociative state to avoid this reality. i have taken all my painkillers(not all at once...just ran out) and im in pain. dont get a refill for a while. i know im addicted to them....but i just dont care anymore. im scared.
way too much stress.
i dont know how to cope anymore.
ive basically stopped harming....it doesnt really help anymore.
our financial situation is a disaster.
i live on a disability check and Kelly doesnt work and has no income.
im supporting 3 people on $600.00 a month. it IS NOT enough. not even close.
why the **** cant i get a break???????????????????????????????????
what have i done so wrong????
i ****ing hate myself.
if it werent for Kelly and my son i swear to God...i would end this.:crying::crying:

*hugs you* I'm sorry things are so stressful for you. Is there any way Kelly can get any benefits if she's not working, to help with the financial situation?

You've not done anything wrong hun. Sometimes things get crappy for no reason. You've done well to stop harming yourself, try to remind yourself of that positive.

Hi Hun, I dont know how things work out there - but surely Kelly should be entitled to some benefits and isn't there any child benefit on top of what you get? I know over here there are more benefits available than most people know about - i know some people that don't work as they get more on benefits tha they would at work. Please try and speak to someone and see if you are missing out on help that you could be getting. You really dont need that stress on top of everything else.
Love ya, Katch xxx