my mum made me promise her not to SI anymore
 

So, I finally got the dermablend, but i got this notice in the mail that i had to pick it up at the post office for some reason...So my mum had to get it for me.

But she was not really that up for it, and she asked me what it was since it was so important? And i said nothing. And she said, well, you gotta tell me, cause if its just makeup, you can wait some more days. So i decided to tell her(which was a big mistake:S).

Soo, I told her it was this camouflage-thing to cover scars. And she was like, ohh....well, if im gonna get it for you, you have to promise me never to do that again. And I was like; huh? And she said- the r-word. Which made me even more confused...And then she started "slashing her wrists"(like just pretending she was doing it).

I felt sick, ive been so triggered all day, and she was sitting there, doin it over and over again. So I just said yes...And she asked like 5 times, and i lied to her everytime. She has no idea. She doesnt understand at all. It's not working like that. I know she thinks im a total lunatic. But I know im gonna cut again(close to doing it right now) and that "promise" and her acting that way only makes me more triggered.

Dont know where im going with this, I just feel awful right now:/

and now i did it again. im hopeless.

i'm sorry your mum reacted that way. but at least you get the dermablend... and it's ok to feel badly about it. this feeling will pass, you don't have to act on it.

SH doesn't mean you're hopeless, not at all, i can't imagine i'd have done any differently in your situation *hugs*

The more i talk to her, the worse it gets. She thinks im embarassing....

And if i keep it away from her, or stop, so she dont have to see it, she seems to think that the problem is solved.

I'm sorry but that does not sound like a mature reaction from a parent. It also shows a distinct lack of understanding. Could you suggest she read some self harming info as she seems to need educating. I now I'm not helping but it just seems ludicrous to me that anyone should behave like that. I'm lucky to be to old for parents.

are you able to see a doctor or anyone like that about it? SH can scare parents, it's not something that was so common when they were young, and also they are scared for you, because it can be dangerous.

I guess I could suggest it, but i prefer not talking about it to her, it's just too hard right now.

I am in the "system". Like I have a psychiatrist and stuff like that..

ah sweet pea, im sorry your mum reacted like that-thats just horrid and cruel. forget her tho, you got the dermablend so you can moveon and feel confident about yourself. dont let her put you down. you are fab REMEMBER THAT!!!!! xx

*bug hug*
My dad reacted exactly like that at first, including the hand motions which made me want to hit him.

He also made me promise. It's unfair on both of you, you because it isn't that easy and just not doing it and her because she will be kept in the dark.
Could you try printing off some information about SI from the internet and giving her it so she understands a little better? PM me if you want because I still have saved what I gave to my dad.

Take care x

I`m sorry hun, you`re not a failure, my mum said that to me some time ago and all I could say was that I would try my best but I couldn`t promise and eventually she kind of accepted that you can only try you`re best thats all anyone can do love Kristyx

Hey, I can relate to what you've said in your post because that's how my mum reacts. It's as if it's simple to just make those promises. To be honest I don't really think they always help. Sometimes it can give you that determination and something to fight for, but I think stopping SH has to be something you feel ready and able to do, and often being forced to promise doesn't help, and like you're finding now, makes things harder. I always feel like I can't talk to my mum, but when it comes down to it, I've never actually tried. I always think that to understand something you have to have experienced it yourself, and with respect I don't think it sounds as if your mum understands SH, so maybe you could help her to understand it. There's information on here for people supporting others that SH, so maybe it could help to show her that? Here if you need an ear, take care love x

Thanks guys, you're so nice =) I think im gonna wait and see, if she makes any more comments or something, i guess ill just have to bring it up.

I tried the dermablend now, and I can't really say it worked magic but:/ You can still see the scars clearly, they're just more skin colored.

She walked in just before and started to say that if i dont stop, I have a problem, and we have a problem(and i was like, no, seriously, tell me something i didnt already know)

But I didnt say anything...And she kept going on about it, so I just left, I really dont feel like talking to her. She would never try to understand:/

*hugs*
i have been in that situation before they think its so easy to just stop but we all know its not. you need to speak to her tell her you cant stop just like that it'll take time and that your trying really hard.
amy x

Ye,i know, but I don't want her to know that I still do it. I hate it when people know I SI. And I know she'll start comment it, if she gets to know that im still doing it. And im really not up for that at all.

And, she also have a bad habit of not being able to keep secrets, so, im afraid she would tell people, or at least some of her friends. Or maybe the minister in our church to "save" me.

My mum just said to me that she didnt think I really was sick, but that it was because of mental problems(ive suffered from a chronical stomach disease for 5-6 years). It's really hard for me, because i often feel like its my fault, even though I know it isnt. The stomach-problems goes way back, and im pretty sure i didnt have any problems with depression and stuff like that back then. I started cutting mainly because of it. I was sick of not being able to do stuff i really wanted to. I was just sick of being sick really. And I also felt like everyone was blaming me, and some even not believing me.

So, after the thing with the dermablend and stuff, when I told her it was for scars, she said this. That she thinks it's (only) a mental problem. And I know mental problems can be really tough, believe me. But she makes it sound like it's something im making up. My stomach problems really affects my day to day life, and she knows that. I dont understand how she can say something like that:/ Im also on a diet now, where i can't eat flour,milk,sugar,amyl and so on(this was a doctors suggestion, just so you know) I've been able to keep it for 16 days now(which i think is impressing, cause im almost addicted to sugar). But anyway, I ate 4 chocolate cookies just now:/ I feel so alone, like everyone believe im just making stuff up. But im not :(

She made it sound like if i only pulled myself together and tried a little more, my stomach issues would go away and my depression and SI too. But the fact is that it was because of the stomach problems I started getting depressed, and due to that, i started self harming.
Not the other way around :/


I wanna cut so badly right now :/

i know the feeling of parents pretending to do it and mines did in public as well

*big hugs*
I'm sorry she isn't being very understanding at the moment.
Have you thought about writing her a note telling her how what she's saying is making you feel? She might stop if she knew.
x

I just ate a whole package of chocolate cookies:( Im gonna be really sick tonight. I almost feel like my mom put them there on purpose, just to show how weak i am:/
(i guess it's not really true, but feels like it).

She didnt buy any food i could eat today(she said i could fry some salmon, but i hate it) so i've been kinda hungry all day. And when I just got up, the cabinet door was opened, and there was this package with chocolate cookies :/ And no one's home to stop me either, I'm so weak.

I ate it all O.o