Just lost...
 

Hey guys. I don't know why I am posting really but here it goes:

So I am one of those people who believe that there is nothing wrong with cutting. Well...not nothing wrong, there are just worse things you could do and I just don't see the point in stopping.

In 8th grade I got caught and got sent to therapy and psychs and the whole nine so I decided a couple things: #1 - I'm not cutting on my arms anymore. #2 - I'll never get caught again.

It's been 4 and a half years since then and I hadn't cut on my arms until about 2 weeks ago. Cutting my arms is what brings me most relief. All my emotions run through my arms (I don't really know how to explain it.) At first it was just deep small cuts on the side of my wrist. Then huge deep-ish cuts near my elbow on the veins. Then deep ones on my legs and a few carvings. For the past week I haven't done any homework. I've come home at four o' clock and cut for hours until it was time to go to bed. I cut at school in the bathroom usually and if it is dark I will cut in class. Before I would not even bring a razor to school. I don't know. I guess it has gotten out of control. I don't know how you can reply to this (assuming you wanted to). Like I said I don't really know why I'm posting.

If you read even a portion of this sea scroll, thanks.

What are the emotions that you're finding difficult?

I understand about emotions running down your arms.. for me, my need, longing and frustrations are in my arms..

yep i understand about the arms too.

well, it does sound like the control has been reduced. can you think of any reasons why you have been cutting so much lately?

i know sometmes when you start cutting more its easier just to keep going and going but the more you do it hte harder it is to regain control, and that could start getting out of hand and dangerous. so i think u really need to try and identify and reasons for why you're doing it so much and try to address them, maybe through counselling?

*hugs*

Worthlessness, hopelessness, helplessness, guilt, rage. That's mostly it I guess.

I'm still in control. Just what happens in life and how I feel are out of my control right now.

Well I guess just the feeling I said above have been intensified and compounded and the stress of school and life are getting to be alot.

I don't really have any money for counseling right now. I do have a SC but I can't trust her. I've already made that mistake before. Also I couldn't do that to my parents. They have alot to deal with. The last thing they need is to find out their daughter's crazy. Plus they though I'd stopped in 8th grade. That's quite a long time to be lied too. I don't want to hurt them like that.

Yea. I'm glad someone does. It's really hard for me to explain it. Like when I am upset I get this strong dull pain in my arms. It feels like it is coming from the middle of the bone or something. I always try to get rid of it by rubbing but it never works

What's the rage about? Feelings like that need safe expression. Do you do anything creative?

Where does the sense of worthlessness come from? What helps you feel worthy?

Just about the unfairness of the world not for me but for all but the top 2% of the population. Racism, poverty, death, killings, discrimination. Also my inability to do anything correctly. People who choose to be stupid on purpose. The fact that my life is going absolutely.

I am naturally a more creative person but I stink at school so I spend 3x as long on homework and stuff as i should which leaves little to no time for anything I'm good at or would like to do.

From trying hard with no results or negative results, always being yelled at, made fun of or misunderstood, realizing how small i am in the grand scheme of things, how little influence i have on people, pretty much my life, the people in it and the situations i'm in prove my worthlessness

Nothing

It's understandable that all those feelings are contriubuting to your depression, such a deep sense of powerlessness.
But you're not worthless.
You say you're naturally more creative - how would you use these skills, if you had time?

Introduce myself to different forms of music from different countries. Practice the piano, drums and bass. Learn a foreign instrument like the digeridoo, djembe or the Chinese harp. Compose an eclectic, world fusion opus. Edit and create music on the computer. Get better at photoshop. Learn other computer programs. Work on my photography. Get back into writing. Learn new styles of dance and improve my knowledge, technique and execution of the ones I already know. Work on singing. Alot of stuff.

This is quite a major reason for my depression too, so you're not alone with that.

It's good you are trying really hard with schoolwork and stuff but at the end of the day school really isn't that important, as long as you pass enough to move on to what you want to do next (job, uni etc), once you get into that then nobody really cares what you did at school.

This doesn't mean you should stop working hard, but it does mean I think you should really try and give yourself some time to do the things you like. I think singing would be a good one to start with, you don't need much, just music and your voice really, and I always enjoy singing so I bet it would make you feel better.

That's good to know. I thought I was crazy.

That is the problem. The school I want to go to has a 4.1 gpa and i have a 3.4. The odds are very low but that is the only place I really want to go. The major I want is not very academic but the school is, i guess.

Yeah. I am trying to but I can't. Like just this week I have 2 history homeworks to re-do, an english paper to write, a research paper for history to write, a math test to study for and a spanish project to do. Then next week I have finals. Then this summer I am going to be in sooo many programs and classes trying to make up for my bad grades. I don't even want to go to college anymore :(