RYL Forums - some sort of closure

Hi again

I haven't been on RYL for awhile, but I figured something out today in therapy that was really an eye-opener for me.

Basically, the background story is that I was recently in a long term (long distance) relationship. I loved the guy to death, trusted him with everything, there was no non-consensual sexual activity of any sort, etc. But when it came to actually having sex, I freaked out. I had a massive anxiety attack beforehand and I just couldn't go through with it. Months later, even after the breakup, I was still questioning why this happened. I was ready for it (or so I thought) I loved him, I trusted him, I didn't have any fear of getting pregnant or getting a disease or regretting it afterwards. So why couldn't I allow this to happen?

In therapy today I was brave enough to ask about it. I'm really, really glad I did. I was worried she would respond like my conservative therapist back home and say something like "well if you aren't married you shouldn't be having sex anyway" Rgh. I wasn't looking for a guilt trip, I was looking for an answer. But anyway, she said it was probably just my anxiety over the situation that killed the idea in my head. Since it was such a big deal to me, being my potential first time, I was so scared that the part of my brain that controlled the sex drive shut down, or was overruled, or some such thing. It's a simple answer, and I believe it. And I think I can overcome it if/when I get into another committed relationship.

I still feel weird about the whole thing, though. I regret not being able to go through with it. I really do. I loved him. And this ****ing anxiety got in the way of me sharing that love.