I need some help...(rant)
 

I don't know what to do. Right now my future seems so bleak. I can't stop thinking about all the crap that's happened today and I can't stop myself from thinking about the next month or the next year...or what my life is going to be like. I'm terrified of what I might become...what might happen.

First off, I found my dad's porn on the internet...And I think he's cheating on my mom. He forgot to log off on his account and I thought it was my own. I brought up two minimized wbepages and I wanted to be sick. He also had a dating website up, with pictures of young looking girls ( and by young, I mean like 20-25) Those girls are like half his age. Not that theres anything wrong with it, but he's freaking married! Hello!!! And I found his myspace account...with even more girls and stuff. All of these messages came up from his chat account with really....disturbing...content.

I'm sick and tired of hearing my dad making degrading comments about my mom. I mean, my mom's depressed as it is. She doesn't need this shit from him. He always talks bad about my mom and myself. And I hate the way he gets with my little brother sometimes. My brother didn't listen to my mom's instructions to go to bed at a certain time so my dad made him get dressed and go out in the driveway. He was forced to do all these exercises and everything in the gravel driveway. Then my dad sprayed him with the hose and made him strip to his underwear before he came inside. My brother was crying the entire time. He's only 11 for gods sake. A half-hour of non-stop exercises...some that I couldn't even do. I'm scared that my dad's going to twist and warp my little brother's emotions until he becomes so jaded and...and...he'll end up shooting people at school some day.

He's always picked on and I can't help him. He comes home from school crying because some kids threatened to kick his ass or they tease him because of his skin color. I can't help him and it hurts me so bad. I can't help but feel like...like...maybe...If I had been a better person, if i had helped more people and played with my brother instead of saying I hated him...If I helped my mom out more when she's depressed...If I didn't cut myself, then maybe things wouldn't be this way. Logically it makes no sense, but my emotions override that. If I was what my dad wanted me to be, thin, pretty, athletic, and into school programs and stuff he would be happy.

My mom is so depressed and even though she knows about my self-harm, she hasn't done or said anything. I've been doing it for almost four years. She's known since I told her in my 3rd year and I promised her I'd stop. Two weeks later I was stupid enough to not cover them one night and she saw. My dad found out...big fiasco...and they said they'd get me help. I promised again I would stop. Nothing's changed since then. They never fulfilled their promise to get me help. It made me sick knowing my parents believed the problem has just gone away like that. I recently found out my mom has actually known that I've been cutting myself again for about a month. She still doesn't know how long I've been doing it for. I freaked. I'm still freaking out over it a little.

She has to put up with so much crap with my dad, and my little brother's ADHD so he needs more attention and medicine and stuff...and she knows about my self-harming...I'm not making her life any easier.

Right now I'm in the mood where I don't care if I ever stop self-harming. I just don't want to try stopping anymore. It seems endless...like its never going to stop until I'm dead. My mom doesn't even know about my suicide attempts. I'll never tell her. I'm afraid of intervention...of even getting help. My only support system is this website. Right now everything seems so overwhelming. I can't even see myself in the future...I'm scared of living...of dying...of everything. Its so stupid. I'm so stupid for thinking all of this.

My boyfriend is always depressed, but he's very good at hiding it. I didn't even know until he told me. It was after that that I realized I've never seen him smile...never seen him laugh. He's antisocial and hates crowds, people in general. It made me so sad...and so angry to think that I could not have noticed. We've been together a long time. He doesn't try to stop me from cutting. He says he knows that I'll do it if I want to and that telling me not to do it wouldn't matter. He doesn't like that I SI, but he SI's too. I hated myself even more after I made that realization.

My friend, the one my parents hate, the one I'm not supposed to be friends with, is in jeopardy of being sent to the mental hospital again. Her parents don't know about her SI, but she told me its been getting worse. Her parents do drugs and make her take care of a baby. CPS has been investigating them for two monthes because they found traces of drugs in their new baby's bloodstream. This is the 3rd time. I know her dad used to slap her around. Her mom has cervical cancer and her dad, hepititis C. If my friend gets taken away from her home, I may never see her again.

Right now I hate myself. I hate myself because of all this crap, and because of my own feelings. I feel like I'm self-harming for no reason. I feel like theres nothing wrong with my life and I'm the stupid one whose fucked up. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how much more I can handle before I break. What am I supposed to do to make everthing better. It doesn't help that we don't have any money...Bankrupcy and all...I hate my life. I wish I had never started SI.

*hugs*

Honey, all they you say is shocking to me. I grew up with a friend who I loved very much, his mother and father fought a lot too. The dad was an alcoholic porno freak and they ended up splitting up--all for the better.

I know what it feels like to have every waking moment consumed by doubt, uncertainty, fear, and the belief that nothing will ever change for the better.

And at times, like you feel now, I didn't and sometimes still fight to make myself get help.

But just as I live for everyone around me, just as I hate myself as much as you seem to hate yourself as well, I realize that sometimes I'm the only person that can affect change in people's lives in a positive way.

And especially mine. If you can't trust yourself, then who can you?

I hope this rant has helped you dry out some of these emotions you're feeling. However, personally, I think it is important to address some issues.

What your father did to your brother is a bit unfair, and I would say at the least emotionally disturbing for your brother and your family.

All of you seem to be stressed. You all react to it differently; and at this point, everyones remaining in their slumber of sacrifice.

There has to be a savior among you.

And I think that savior can be you. Is school still in session? You may want to see your counselor.

Your boyfriend, too, is an enabler of your SI, just as he SI's, you do too. If you feel ANYTHING for each other, try to help each other work out your pain, just like we try to help each other here on this website. Make a pact to call each other whenever you feel about SI'ing.

The relief it may offer is only temporary. But the relief affection, understanding, and communication in a relationship can offer has a much more lasting impact.

As far as your friend goes, I hope she doesn't go to the hospital. But it may also be best for her. Her parents don't seem fit to raise anyone right now, though its not my place to say so, honestly.

But remember--we're all here for you.

And you need to be there for yourself, too.

Get some help for your family, whatever that may mean.

The fear of change is strong, I understand, but if we didn't have the capacity to change life would be dull.

xoxo

lxxy

I'm so sorry darling, that is a lot on your shoulders.

I know exactly what you're talking about. I always think about the what if's with my brother too. Maybe if i had raised him better he wouldn't be a little druggie, he wouldn't be so angry, he wouldn't have turned out like our mother.... But love, you have to realize that we're just kids too, and there's not a lot we can do in a situation like that except look out for yourselves and our siblings, keep them and ourselves alive. The real help can come later. And you can always be a better sister.

My best friend got sent away to a childrens home when we were thirteen... another got put into foster care, i think she ended up running away. I haven't seen either of them for a very long time. I think they're both getting married, at least last time I heard.

Even if they get sent away, there's no reason to lose touch. There's the phone, email, snail mail.... and if you're any kind of good influence on your friend, the social workers will see that and let her keep that familiarity. Don't let your friends slip away like I did!

I agree with bermancer, you and your boyfriend could be valuable companions to each other in regards to stopping SI. Maybe you guys could talk about it?

I hope everything gets better. I know this souns cliche, but things are usually the crappiest before something good comes along, and I sure hope something comes along for you. Be safe.

-hug-

im not too good on advice, just to let you know i read this,
and you are an amazingly strong person!
**huge bear hugs**
x x x

Ohh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. *Huge hugs*. It's a huge amount to cope with for anybody.

Today has obviously been a terrible day for you, and it sounds like you're in a really bad place right now, but it doesn't mean that things won't look up. Remember that no matter how bad things get, they can always get better - as clichéd as it sounds. You need to hold on through everything, because if you give it all up now, you'll never know how things turn out.

That must be a really shocking and sickening thing to find. I'm not sure what to suggest about this, except leave it and try to forget about it. Telling either of your parents about it may do more harm than good.

That's absolutely disgusting and in no circumstances should an eleven-year-old child be treated like that for someting as simple as not going to bed when asked. Honey, I really suggest you tell someone about this, like the NSPCC. From what you've said, it sounds like your dad is, to say the least, not doing your family any good. If he's being abusive to your brother, nasty to your mum and you, then you really shouldn't be around someone like that. You all have enough to cope with right now without him being like that. It must have been terrible for your brother to go through that, and it's probably going to prove very difficult for him to deal with. However, it doesn't mean that he'll end up shooting people, so please don't think like that.

Poor boy. While you may not be able to directly do anything about the bullying, except urge him to tell someone at his school if he hasn't already done so, you can be there for him. Offer him a proverbial shoulder to cry on and tell him that you're always there if he needs to talk to you. Sometimes, just knowing people care is enough. Don't think that any of this is your fault; you said yourself that it makes no sense - listen to your logical mind and not your emotions. Whether you cut yourself or not, that has no bearing whatsoever on what your brother is going through right now.

It must be really hard on her that her daughter self-harms, and some parents completely deny it in their own minds. I know what it's like to have parents say they'll get you help when they find out, but then never do - I know how frustrating it is, especially when you really want the help but it's not something you can just bring up. Maybe you could talk to your GP about it, see if he or she will refer you?

You're not stupid in the slightest, and please don't think you are. You've got a lot going on right now; of course you're going to be worried and convinced that it will never stop. But, trust me, things will not be this way forever. Change is inevitable. Getting help can seem like such a huge, scary thing, but it can help - and you should try everything that may help.

It's often hard to be in a relationship where both people are depressed / self-harm, because it can bring both people down. It's good that he's not forcing you to stop, but you should both be helping each other to try and recover. xxybermancer was right in saying that you should make some sort of pact to call one another when you get the urge to SI - it's a fantastic idea and it could really be helpful. Also, you both know what it's like to get the urges, so you're probably well-equipped to help each other.

There's little or nothing you can do about this so, as hard as it may be, try your best not to get too upset about this. I hope that didn't sound too harsh, but what I mean is, you already have enough to deal with without this as well. I hope things work out for your friend and, remember, it doesn't mean that you'll never get to see her again.

You shouldn't hate yourself; there's really no reason to. You're not stupid, and you're certainly not fucked up. You're just going through a lot and you're at a loose end. Please try and get help, talk to your GP or somebody else about all this. Keep posting, stay safe. <3.

Edit; I'm sorry this is so long!

Just an Update...
 

So far, things only seem to be going downhill. My father now controls all money, the accounts, and almost all of what my mother does. My mother is left with no money because he gives her an "allowance" and she uses it to get things that my little brother and I need. It makes me so sick...so disgusted. I hate him for this.

I was better off with my life when he wasn't in it. He was always at work when I was little. I'd get to see him an hour or three a day. He works every day almost all day and comes home late. Sometimes he stays out at bars. Sometimes he plays hooky with friends. My mom told me he used to go to strip clubs....Thats so disgusting.

I don't want to give my father any more chances. I'm tired of how depressed he always makes me feel. I know that nobody can "make" me depressed, but his derogatory comments always brought me down. He was hardly around as a child and now I don't know why he's trying to be a father now. Apparently, I'm going to "need him" in a few years when I start college....I wish I could just say "F*** you" to his face, but there are somethings I lack and courage is one of them.

I wish I wasn't such a coward. I wish I could to more to help myself and my mother, but I have to realize that its never going to happen. My mother is trying to save money. She's going to quit college even though she's only had 3 hours total, and she's going to get a full-time job. I will be left with more responsibilities, but its not like thats a bad thing. She wants to save up enough money and then she said she's going to kick my dad out of the house. She said " Let him fuck all the bitches off myspace for all I care."

Unfortunately....she said it right in front of my friend. We were driving home in the van, chilling out to music when I heard her say it. Well, shout it. I was thoroughly embarrassed. My parents are always fighting when my friend comes over, and she is the one person who doesn't treat me any differently because I self-harm. She treats me like a person and never asks any questions about my cutting at all. For her I am grateful.

I want to know how the divorce system works. I mean, child support and everything. I don't know about any of that. All I can think about is " Its about time. " I am worried though....We don't have any money and even with child support....I know things will get even tighter than they have been for the last two years

My closest friend's self-harm is getting worse. I want to help her, but there is nothing I can do. Still, she calls me when she can. Her life is full of troubles and responsibilities. I know I can't be responsible for her. *sighs*

My grandfather...something weird is going on with him. He yells alot now. Gets up set over little things. He went on a three hour rant for a reason I don't remember. Three hours!! How could you stand in a parking lot and rant for three hours?! My grandma says its Alzheimers...He's starting to lose his mind. I'm scared. My grandma and uncle will be sent to a nursing home if he dies...they're living off of...I don't know...pension or checks from the government or something like that.

I will try talking to my boyfriend about making a SI pact. I don't know if it will work though. In my mind...I know I don't really want to stop self-harming. I have no reason to so I don't see why I should even try. The only reason I "tried" last time was because of the social worker at my school. School isn't in session any more and I won't go back until August.

Even the social worker didn't really care. I've told him how much I hate myself...but he doesn't understand me. I mean, I know he's not a mind reader, but why on earth would he send me back to class after they know what I plan on doing to myself?

I'm going to protect my little brother as best as I can. I'll try to make him listen more and behave better. I'll let him stay in my room and talk to him and play with him. As long as he does everything my dad says, he won't have to exercise.

I'm torn between what I want and what I probably need. I'm self-harming almost every night...Been doing it for the past few weeks. I don't know why, but I can't fall asleep until I've done it. I lay on my bed awake for hours...sometimes till almost four in the morning...and I stare at the ceiling and debate on what I should do. Before I know it...I'm out of bed and getting ready to cut myself.

What the hell is wrong with me? It doesn't take anything now to push me to the point of self-harm now. Its like I need it to relax...to clear my mind...to get rid of all the thoughts rushing through my head...Otherwise I can't fall asleep. Even music is not enough to help me. Is it possible to actually...become addicted to cutting?

I don't want to stop self-harming. I want to be left alone because I'm tired of nobody around here doing anything to help me. I don't expect them to understand, but I can't....I can't get help on my own. I...need somebody to do it for me because I can't do it on my own. I just can't. I'm just that pathetic and weak. I'm never going to be anything more than a quiet, lonely, misunderstood person who never wants to get on anyone's bad side and fears confrontation and anger above all else.

Every night its the same thing. I want to go deeper...Just to feel a little bit more...I want to make more than scratches. More than cuts that just bleed without the relief I need. More than just bleeders that heal without much scarring. I actually want the scars...even though they make me hate myself even more.

It can't get much worse than this, I think. I don't even cut for a reason any more...I'm just "living" my own life in a hopeless way that probably shouldn't be called living. Its stupid. I rely on others because I can't rely on myself. I mean...why would I want to hurt myself? What reason do I really have? ALl I know is that its not supposed to be like this. I'm not supposed to be like this and I am. What more could go wrong?