This Mask.
 

About a year ago I started to self harm. My life was actually more perfect than ever before, and I had nobody to punish me. So I guess a lot of it was how can I live being myself, being this piece of worthless ****, without paying for it? After all, I've really hurt people, and I've let people get hurt.

About a week ago I'd have said I was cut-free for over 2 months.

Now I've ****ed up again. I have this huge urge just to

problem is i know people who would be ****ing depressed after. even if they scare the **** out of me so i cant tell them to stop making my life hell because they make me feel like crap and make everything worse. Life is one big circle of hell and it doesn't stop playing tricks and tripping you up and ****ing your life round.

so i feel so confined.

it's a mask. it's a box. whatever it is, im just trapped.

everyone thinks im all better, but behind this screen im falling to little tiny pieces. fixing me is impossible.

sorry for ranting there :/

I know this doesn't really help, but I just wanted to say I can relate somewhat. My SI got worse when I left my crappy home environment and went off to college, which was the most amazing year of my life. Like you said - I had nobody to punish me. I wasn't being torn down on a regular basis, so I felt like I had to do it myself.

*hugs* Is there anyone you could maybe be honest with about how you're feeling?