Everything is so hard...
 

Quite a lot of you here know about me and know what happened on Saturday, so I'm not going to repeat myself. If you are confused and don't know about me or what happened then PM me by all means.

I am finding it hard to do my work.....one week before my mock a-levels.
I am finding it hard to eat. My hunger is increased by my medication, but my desire to respond to that hunger has markedly decreased. I have to eat small portions because if I eat a normal amount of food, I start feeling sick. I don't have an eating disorder, I just can't be bothered to get the food out, make it and eat it. If it wasn't for my Mum making dinners for me, I would end up malnourished because I would just be eating nothing but cereal, toast, apples and coffee.
I am finding it hard to express my feelings by talking and I find that I want to associate with people (face to face, in real life) as little as possible. I just want to be alone, but I still want support, which is confusing.
I can't talk to my Mum without her ranting about me or her getting angry.
I get flashbacks from Saturday; it was really traumatic.
I feel like self-harming.
Going out is really difficult for me as members of the public can get into my head and mess around with my thoughts, or access my consciousness.
I still hear voices and see strange things a lot.

I guess I should tell the HTT, but all they can do really is to write it down.

I might be making a formal complaint because the (generally useless) Dr. Grant, my psych, took me off my meds (olanzapine, an antipsychotic) and told me that I don't need them. I told him that I stopped them within one day and he said that's fine (today I researched this and found that it can be dangerous to stop antipsychotics very suddenly). Then Saturday happened, and the A&E doctor said that it happened because I went off my meds too quickly. Dr. Grant generally cares very little about his patients, from what I can see. He doesn't respond to letters from my school, and he does things that require the least possible effort, not the things that are the best.

I feel like this is the end. Schizophrenia vs. me. Schizophrenia 1, me 0. Schizophrenia's winning and I'm loosing. My meds are supposed to stop the voices and the paranoia, and the other stuff, but its not helping. I am so worried that I've become treatment resistant. I can't work at all because every time I try to read, the voices start laughing at me and telling me what a freaking idiot I am and how they will make Saturday happen again.

ARGH.

I think I shouldn't have posted this. Sorry for the inconvenience I've caused.

It's not an inconvenience. I think I read about what happened on Saturday, with the haloperidol? How are you feeling about that now?

Can you not switch to a different doctor, perhaps get some form of medication started up again? After reading saturday's thread (and I don't mean any offense by this) it seems you need to have some form of medication plan at the moment.

Are you still seeing the HTT?
It sounds like you do with a different psych and hopefully start taking meds again.
I'm sorry you had to go through all that over the weekend, if you feel like its going to happen again i think you should call the HTT to prevent anything like a repeat of saturday.
Take care xxx

Yes, it was the police and the haloperidol incident.

The thing is, is that I'm on medication. Olanzapine 10mg. It's doing barely anything for the illness. I've tried:
Risperidone: needed a higher dose, but when I was put on that, the side-effects were too bad to be fair.
Amisulpride: I was on a high dose and I ended up back in hospital while on that medication.
Abilify: didn't work either and I ended up in A&E while I was on that and had to have it changed to...
Olanzapine: which I've tried before and I'm trying again now. The side-effects are not bad, but I don't actually think its working.

I have a useless doctor in charge of my medication.

The HTT will hopefully be seeing me very soon. They haven't called yet, but they always say 8pm-9pm they will come.
I have a crisis line number which I can call if things get bad. I can't call them easily though, because my Mum gets very angry with me when I call them, just because I don't confide in her. I have been finding it very hard to talk to my Mum about my illness since she called me "sick in the head" and "a loony".
Thank you, I will try to look after myself,
SM