long, sorry. just needed to out it into words
 

Can I just have some hugs please? I feel really bad at the moment, I might have known the happiness wouldn’t last. For the last 24hours or so I’ve been crying on and off, haven’t got out of my pyjamas today and haven’t been out of my room apart from to deal with the relationship problems of my flatmate E. I can’t go out because I don’t trust myself to be able to pretend that everything is fine. Why do I find it relatively easy to deal with other peoples problems in a calm and rational way but can’t do that with myself? I just don’t know what to do, could cut, could drink, could just curl up and cry myself back to sleep again but don’t really want to do any of them in the logical part of my brain.

These past few weeks have thrown a lot at me and now to top it all off, he doesn’t want me now that she’s back. I was just something to amuse him while she was away. He seemed to care about me and I really care about him but that can’t be true because he seems so happy now she is back. I can hear them together and it hurts. This is all my own stupid fault. I should never have fallen for someone I can’t have. These last few days I was (strangely) properly happy for the first time in a long time. I had managed to persuade myself he liked me and I let myself be drawn in, did stuff I really shouldn’t have done because I know he is taken. I made the mistake of allowing myself to believe him when he said things to me. I always knew I would have to go back to this crushing torment but I had forgotten quite how much it hurt. IT’S ALL MY STUPID FAULT, I have nobody to blame but myself so I have no right to feel this bad. But I still do. Maybe it is punishment.

I cried in front of him last night. OK, this is the guy who has seen me through a lot, seen me at my worst and I have cried with him before. But never about him. I never let him see that but I couldn’t stop myself last night. He hugged me, tried to make me laugh but he doesn’t care. I think he thinks its stupid I care so much about him. I can’t hate him, he is too nice but sometimes I wish I could.
12 weeks. 12 weeks and then I might never see him again. Maybe this is a good thing but I will still want to so much.

This is all my own fault, sorry. I don’t deserve it but please can I have a hug?

please take care hun.

and maybe i am getting the wrong end of the stick, but i feel as though you only feel like you are worthwhile if this guy is with you. this wont lead to happiness. it is hard, but only you can provide that for yourself in the end.

pm me about anything if you need a chat or whatever x

Am really sorry your having such a tough time people can be jackasses sometimes.Maybe having some space away from him will do you good and clear your thoughts. I hope your ok xxx

Hunny, i honestly don't think that it's your fault. If he dumped you because he wanted someone else, he doesn't seem like a very nice guy.
This isn't your fault and you don't deserve to be punished at all.
I'm always here if you want to talk
*hugs* xxxxxx