I feel like a monster
 

Hello all, I'm relatively new to these forums, but am going through a particularly tough time with life right now and have been posting on here pretty often (mostly to vent).

My family has always been pretty emotional, especially on my dads side. My uncle is bipolar, my grandpa had a temper problem and my dad also has very intense emotions at times.

I have grown up knowing that I'm the same way... I've worked so hard to control my emotions... I have worked my entire life trying to suppress the temper and the anger that I know rages inside me. Instead of getting angry at people, I always get mad at myself and have a very low opinion of myself. I have tried to change, it's just the way I am. I do get angry and upset about the smallest things, and it has haunted me my entire life. It has ruined relationships, my work and my home life, and has nipped away at my happiness for a long time.

I don't know how to even describe it. It's like being super sensitive. I try to hide it because I know society shuns that type of emotion. I would never hurt anyone, but lately, certain people think that because of the way I am, I could hurt this one girl that I deeply care about. This is absolutely false, but I still feel horrible because it has costed our friendship. I feel so awful.

My emotional state has become even more fragile lately because of everything that is happening. I have done horrible things to myself mentally and physically because I know that my emotions are to blame for many of my problems... It's like a self-induced cycle that I can't turn off. I feel like some kind of monster. If I get upset enough, I get so upset that I just go numb. Everything. It's like a surreal state where everything seems to be a dream. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. I don't know.

Why do I have to be this way and what can I do to make it better? What's wrong with me?

Hey hun, first of all welcome to RYL and I hope you find that it's helping you. The first thing I was going to suggest is seeing somebody. There are gret people out there who work well with overcoming anger management problems, however since I refuse to see someone about my depression and my dad doesn't wanna see someone with HIS anger management problems, I don't feel that it is in my place. Have you ever thought about different ways to relief that anger in a healthy way? Maybe, screaming into a pillow, punching a pillow, when someone makes you angry as soon as you can go somewhere provate (even a bathroom stall) with a pen and paper and begin writing everything about this person thats making you make, scribble as hard as you can on it get some of the physical anger out, and then rip it up as much as you can, it seems to help a little with me. but you, taking that anger and channeling it towards yourself isn't healthy either...it may seem it, but just as you said, now you have low self-esteem, which could make the anger worse. Sorry if I'm not much of a help but if you need to talk I'm here *hugs*

That sounds just like me in some ways so your not alone.

Rosmary has said some good points you should consider. What im going to add is have you seen someone about all of this? Ryl is always goign to be here for you, but you have to speak to someone proffesional to get help, they way you are may be because you have a certain disorder, something you need help with, so it may help to get a diagnosis to find out whats wrong and how you can recover from it.

Hey,

Welcome to RYL! I hope you find all the support you need here. It must be hard having to deal with how you're feeling as well as dealing with how your family are feeling.

It's already been suggested up there ^ but I would suggest seeing someone to talk about how you're feeling. A counsellor, therapist, or even go to a anger management centre. Remember - you're not alone. Having anger problems is not uncommon. I know you might feel isolated right now, but by seeing a doctor you can also get medicine to help you control these feelings.

There's quite a few hobbies you could take up which could let out some of your anger as well. A martial art club, body combat, or even yoga. Whenever you feel angry, try taking a few deep breaths and count to ten. Or, you could try screaming into a pillow, or hitting it. Go for a walk might help as it could re-fresh your mind.

Take care of yourself, and good luck with whatever you chose to do. xo

Thanks for all the replies :) . I have tried coping with it by scribbling things down on paper and that has helped me. But.... I don't really feel anger toward the person that makes me depressed, because I love her. I have hardly ever gotten angry with her, even though I KNOW she has done horrible things to me. It almost feels like she is playing games with me sometimes, because she will say these horrible things to me that I know she doesn't mean, yet part of me does think that she's being honest when she says them. It's so maddening. I admit that I am angry at her for leaving me as a friend but I blame myself for it because of my emotional problems. I think that perhaps my emotions are ultimately to blame, and they could be. So, that's why I don't think I have a right to blame her even though it feels like I should.