RYL Forums - My life story/ I could use help? (Long)

Ok, I'm new... So I'm not sure if this is where this goes. I read the rules and everything, and yeah.

Anyways, I'm 18 years old and I just graduated from high school a few weeks ago, I kind of thought this should be a happy time in my life. But I'm kind of getting to the idea that my life has no "happy times" what so ever.

My life started going downhill when I was conceived honestly, I am I late-in-life child and my parents were already around 45 when they had me. So I have 5 brothers and sisters that are 11-26 years older than I am. And they were all trouble makers, so it's always been assumed that I'm going to do drugs/get pregnant in high school/drop out of high school/ect. Plus, when I was younger my sister lived with us and she was always running away and torturing me whenever my parents were out by locking me in an abandoned house on our property while tied to a chair. Just for her little sick kicks, plus she thought I was spoiled.

At 2 years old my mom got sick and was in the hospital for a year or so and she was about to die. Plus the last grandparent I had died... I say my last because when he was in the hospital and dying my grandmother on that side along with my aunt and uncle disowned me.

Then my sister moved out when I was 6 after I saw her get pretty much beaten by my father (but my mom and dad say that didn't happen). I had about one good year after that until I met someone that my parents allowed to "babysit" me when they were drunk (Which was a lot when I was younger) which ended up sexually abusing me for around 2-3 years aleast once or twice a week.

Shortly after I turned 8 (while I was still babysat) I got a new nephew which meant I had to become the official babysiter because my parents said they lived really close anyways. So it wasn't like I was taking care of my baby nephew by myself.. they were only a short walk away.

So I ended up being the official babysitter for my brothers and ended up babysitting anywhere from 2-6 kids after the I turned 10. And I still am my one brother's personal slave who has to clean their house, and watch 4 kids for at least 8 hours a day for the great cost of 20 dollars a day no matter how long that day is...

I was abused by my teacher when I was about 11 years old because she said I had to "toughen up." And was picked on, on my bus at that time because I lived near a reservation and was the only white kid on my bus... Also the last person off the bus and the first on... so I spent a good while being picked on.

Fortunately I moved shortly after the teacher told my parents that the reason there was a bruse on my leg was because she kicked me with high heels one day. Because she thought I wasn't walking fast enough through the door she was standing next to.

All through middle school I wasn't able to understand what the teachers were talking about because my other school skipped some basic ideas. So I spent a lot of time in the guidance councilors office trying to explain myself only to get the saying "if you don't understand something at home, ask your parents to help" which ended up with my parents saying "I don't know you should be learning this in school."

Thankfully in 8th grade I actually got somewhere because my math teacher understood what I was saying and pretty much completely retaught me from the beginning with adding all the way up to algebra. So I got into an advanced placement class in high school, for having really high grades.

Although, I found out high school isn't the most fun of all places freshmen year and ended up on a very quick downward spiral. And then I took health class and watched a movie that was saying the negatives of self harm, which ironically turned me on to it instead away. So I started cutting with the nearest things after things started to go way downhill with one of my ex boyfriends/good friends dying that year.

My parents have never understood why I'm pissed off at the world all the time, and that's lead to only worse things. But now that they're sober they yell at me a lot more and don't just forget about me like they used to. And oddly, I miss the times when they were too drunk to pay attention to me, at least I was somewhat happy sometimes. Plus my mom doesn't believe that any of "her children" need any sort of mental help so I couldn't even get a councilor to talk to about my problems. And if I told them what has really happened in my life they'd only get more upset at me than any thing else. And if I told them that I cut, I'd be in major trouble... even if I'm now 18.

But this last year has been pretty good, I went without cutting for around a year up until today. My scars have been fading pretty nicely, and I was just getting comfortable wearing capris again. But then today happened.

This month has pretty much sucked since graduation, I had my little pity party about how I'll miss my friends from high school then got over that a bit ago. Started to go to graduation parties, yet it's just been kind of like hell because I've been having to do stuff all the time in order to prepare my own graduation party. Because my family thinks I should throw a better graduation party since I'm the first person to actually to the whole school thing right. Notice I say "I should".. because they believe I should throw the party for myself and they'll show up.

Anyways, I've had the stress of preparing for college plus having a different thing to do everyday for my party and not really having too much free time... so sleep has been a distant dream. I sleep around 3 hours a night at most now days.

But after I got done with making a shopping list for my party, finishing a scrap book thing for my party, and doing a bit of music organization for my party last night I went to bed at around 2am. I normally go to bed later, but I've been sick to my stomach lately so I went to bed early.(Which isn't fun when you don't have a gall bladder anymore... bile is not good!)

I got woke up at 4 this morning though because my parents thought it'd be great to wake me up to tell me they've decided to shoot my dog this morning. A dog that I've had for a few years and been pretty much the only creature that has looked after me besides myself. So I was a bit upset and asked them why and they said because he hurt his leg and they don't feel like bringing him into the vet. Plus they don't want to come home to walk him during my graduation party sooooooo they felt he had to go.

I spent like twenty minutes while my dad was gathering up the shot gun begging them to just take him to the vet and put him to sleep instead of shooting him then. And my dad said that he doesn't want to ruin his day waiting for an appointment for the dog so he'll just take care of it himself.

So I got upset because they weren't listening to me, and I wasn't going to fight with my dad when he was walking around with a loaded shot gun. So I locked the door to my room and blarred the music because I didn't want to hear them murdering my dog. But no worries, that doesn't stop them, they decided to come to my door to tell me right before they did it, and right after they did it. And wanted me to bury it, but I wasn't listening to them anymore. Plus I kind of slipped into a daze and started cutting because I didn't know what else to do.

If that wasn't bad enough I came out to the computer to look for someone online like my friends on yahoo to calm myself down. And my dad came by me laughing about it, and laughing at the fact I was crying.

So my leason learned I guess is... I need to move out and get the hell away from this family... yet because I'm broke that's not happening for me.

And all that fun stuff to think about doesn't help my suicidal tendencies at all. The only thing that pretty much stops me from ending it all half the time is the idea that with my luck I'd just end up disabled from the attempt and having to rely on my family for the rest of my life.

So I guess my point is... what do I do now?