RYL Forums - I am not a poet...

And I am alone

I am alone.
There are people all around
and I am alone.
I am talking to you
and I am alone.
You are holding my hand
and I am alone.
You are there when I fall asleep,
you are there when I wake
and I am alone.
You site there telling me I am not alone
and I am alone.
I am more alone surrounded by people
than I am by myself.
I am less alone with my own thoughts
than I am when you are speaking.
And I am alone.

Untitled

my body aches
my head spins
my thoughts race,
and I struggle to catch my breath

everything is moving too fast
relax...i tell myself
but i can't
my muscles get tighter
i am caught in a bubble

everything outside myself has been muted;
has been paused
i am alone in this torture
i am twisted up inside
tied in knots
someone has rearranged all of my organs

everything is wrong, inside and out
nothing looks or feels like it should
i can't escape the feelings that come
i can't escape the pain

it circles outside my bubble,
ready to invade
i can't leave this place or it will attack
how long will the walls withstand?
how long can i hold them up?
i am not strong enough to stay here forever
i am weaker all the time
the pain will win
it will permeate my skin, my heart, my soul
the blood sucking feelings will leave me hollow
void of all my cells, all my organs, all my tissues
a shell will remain
the skin will start to fall away from the bone
and i will cease to exist
nothing left
but the space
the wide empty space that my body used to consume
a hole
an abyss
a void

will anyone notice the void?
if no one notices, is it a void at all?
no one hears my screams
sees my tears
feels my pain
no one wants to save me
help me
they only torture and kill me
with venomous words and blank stares

i see you, do you see me?

i see how you look at me
like i am a freak
like i am to blame
like i am the guilty one
i see it, and i wish i never had
i wish this ddin't happen
i hope it will end soon
i can't go back
i can't more forward
quick sand is my life
stuck
wounded
unable to nourish myself
unable to heal
unable to move

here i am!
do you see me?
hear me?
feel me?
care for me?

i don't think you do
i don't think you want to
i think you wish me dead
away from you
invisible
i want that too
more than you
more than i even know
it's with me all the time
that wish
that hope
that prayer for sleep over wake
for death over life
it lives inside my mind, my heart, my soul

Tell them

Let it drip, let it flow
let it spill, pour, drain
out of me.

Let me bleed until I am empty
until there's nothing left to give.
Write my story in pain, and blood;
tell it well.

Tell them how you found me,
how pale and snowy white.
Tell them how at peace I looked,
tell them I am happy now.

Don't cry or grieve.
I had already ceases to exist,
I had already died inside,
I was already gone.
Maybe you didn't notice,
maybe you just ignored the signs.
Perhaps you didn't care enough;
or cared too much, you were blind to it,
to me, to my pain, to my screams of red.

Let my blood read tears, and screams
of pain, or exhausteion, or anger and rage.
Let it tell the story of how i was too weak,
of how I couldn't go on.
Let it tell them I was lost,
let it say how I was lonely,
alone, solitary,
confined by my own emotion,
torn by my own hand.

Tell them this is what I wanted.
Let my heart go.
No tears, no pain, no rage where I am now.
Don't you know I was empty?
The blood emptied my body,
as my heart was emptied by life.

This life was not for me,
it wasn't meant to be.
I wasn't free here.
I was a prisoner of my own head.
Now I can soar,
I see you,
I can see you looking at my body;
at my blood-
holding me close, warmed by my newly drained blood.
You touch your face, and your tears mix with my blood.

Ghost of a Girl

I am a ghost of a girl
you look through me, instead of at me
you see what's on the OTHER side, instead of what's INside.

I am a ghost of a girl,
looking in on what I should be living
analyzing the world, instead of embracing it.

My hot breath on the window pane
red elbows on the sill
chin in my clammy plams
painting pictures in the fog,
hearts, stars and rainbows of a childhood missed.

I am a ghost behind glass,
a GHOST of a girl.