i let myself down.
 

well fuck it! back on again after so long my friends. i went without cuttin for a long time, maybe a couple of years. i just couldnt bring myself to count it out just in case. in case i cut again or dared someone to piss me off but then i started to get de ja vu...gotta good job n lovin it but then someone got sick n died n work didnt give a fuck n thats when i started to really cut...that was many years ago. i quit gotta new job n forgot bout how much it fuckin hurt to lose someone but then i thought i was strong enuff, i was ok made a decision to stop it. got my old job back but then anotha person has gotten sick n then i lost it. quit my job but then i get pressure n people dont realise that i just try so fucken hard all the time n this mornin i woke up n was certain today was the day i would dig out my kit n cut. so now i feel like i let myself down. i thought i was better then that. i feel like i could do it all day so i went for a drive n ended up here in ryl again after so long. everythin is so new, many months have passed n i havent changed...still the same unhappy, try hard piece of shit. fuck fuck fuck fuck! i hate cancer, i hate cuttin, i hate people that keep tellin u what to do when ur grown, i fucken hate the way i let myself feel like fuckin shit. fuck.

To me it sounds like you're being a lot stronger than you think you are. It's difficult, but I think you have to remember that it's ok to do things you think make you weak. I don't know. I guess I just want you to know that it sounds to me like you're a lot stronger than you think and that you've put a lot of effort in and done well.

hun, noodlenoodle is right, to me you sound like you are very strong. going that long wihtout cutting is amazing.
loseing someone does hurt i know, have you looked in the greif and support forum? > http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...splay.php?f=75 it might be bale to help you deal with all these loses. i know hte pain will never go away but it does ease i promise. and it ease's better hwen you have people to talk to that care baout you, and htis is where RYL comes in.

you say you hate people telling you what to do, and i hate that too, its your life hun, not anyone else's. its your life, and you should live it how you want to live it, not how someone lese wants you too.

you dont 'let yourself feel like shit' , there are things outside of you controll that make you feel like this, and feeling pain and greif is all part of being human, and that also alows you to feel pleaseure and happiness.

it does get better hun, i promise x

*hugs u tight*

You have been through a lot hun, you are a strong person, a very strong person. You're right, cancer is evil, so so evil. Im so sorry you've lost people, this forum Grief Support might help you, dont let cancer beat you, you dont need to cut.
Do you have any one you can talk to? Anyone who can support you and be there for you? Just because you're older it doesnt mean you dont need support. The Vets Boards might be helpful to, they are all really lovely in there and sometimes its easier to talk and make yourself understood.
Hope you're ok,
take care
Aimee xx