I want to scream...but nothing..*update with a smile*
 

no words good or bad
no emotion although tears keep running

nothing good enough to post or worthy of writing, just letting you know I was thinking of you.



I would love to say all i well, but my mind knows better.

I would love to say I am not thinking of going down and never getting up again, but it is a constant.

No cutting or pills still, so that might be good.

I need to talk, but it just will not happen.

it feels so distant, but it really is coming closer quick.
*puts my smile back on "i am ok"*

Rain

That is great that you have not harmed :)
Talking can sometimes be the hardest part. Letting people know how you feel is scary. Keep putting it down in here and maybe it will come to you.

And as for wanting to scream my advice...
In uni i once had writing professor who would turn off the lights and make everyone stand up and close our eyes and then roar and shake. At first I thought she was crazy, but then i kinda liked it. Maybe you could try that and then do something silly like run around the house topless? :)
It would definately take your mind off things and would probably evoke the emotion of hilarity which is always nice.

it's all right to not be okay - you don't have to pretend hun
we'll listen if you need to talk
way to go with the not sh'ing
xxxooo
callie

It isn't being worthy or not. That is just some kind of judgement. You are human and you are hurting.
I'm glad you didn't cut or take pills.

There's no need to put on the mask around us. Because I know you're crying, I can too. Because you can be honest about how you are feeling, it is possible for me to open up and do the same.

*hugs you*

Newanda---I like your thoughts.
Rowie, Thank you for your love.
Callie, thanks for being there.
Blondie, thanks for holding my mask for me.

I am still doing good with everything. Just stressing about cetrain things...we all have stress....it an everday thing.

I am trying to find new work. A new job for the new me. There is a national company that has accepted my resume. National being good because if i get hired on, I will have GREAT medical and dental benefits not to mention a $3.50 an hour raise of income.

I am kinda of stressing because I could possibly get the REAL help I need If I so choose desire ;).

Secondly stressing about the same situation because of fresh scars that run from the base of my finger to halfway up my elbow. It is on the top side of my hand/arm and you can still see the stitch holes (this was just over 2 weeks ago). SO I will be long sleeving it for the time being.


Stress at my current job had me so wound up yesterday it was eating me alive...BUT... When I called my husband..HE GAVE ME WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT THAT BOOSTED ME SO MUCH!!! He always tells me I am good and stuff (which always seems like is after a round of "adult action" or after a major round with the slapping hands cause I didnt sweep the floor or something stupid like that) , but he told me WHY i was good, WHY things were going to work out, WHY HE was proud of me.

It had been a long time since I heard this type of talk from him.It was different-the sound and tone of his voice...like he meant it!

Things are looking up....just one day at a time.

Thanks for being here,
Rain

Glad to hear that things are looking up!
The new job sounds great :) Job hunting always stresses me out a lot, but just remember what you said, one day at a time. Finding a job can sometimes be like a job, so it's important to remember to take a day off from it if you need to. It's better to lose a potential job than to lose your hard earned sanity :) But maybe that's just me

Good luck!

aww Rain good for you!
your husband sounds awesome - you both are so lucky
one day at a time is definitely a good way to take things
keep us updated on the job hunt!

I have a good job- it just doesent have benefits...kids and i need basic checkups and stuff, so it would be nice to have insurance for the dental cleanings and health visits. AND the money---$2.50 and hour will be HUGE for me...LOL 100 extra dollars a week!


as for my husband- he is good ONLY if I have been "good". Things have gotten better, but put it this way---people cant tell if it was me or he who hit me. *sigh* shhh- it isnt abuse or anything----just life lessons.


I am getting excited about the job search and I think I have landed the one mentioned above.

We shall see and I will Keep you posted!

*smiles a bit more*
Rain

i hope you landed that job! just a couple bucks more an hour realllllly adds up at the end of the week, doesn't it? and health insurance and dental is sooo a plus. my fingers are crossed for you! no matter what happens, though, it's a step in the right direction and really great that you are hunting - don't give up!!

so just to put in my two cents, Rain honey, i am so sorry to hear that about your husband and i hope you and your kids are okay. you say it isn't abuse, but how do you define abuse then? lessons aren't supposed to work that way. life lessons don't need to leave you with marks and should be spoken or something, not physical; that isn't how we help one another learn. just think about it, maybe? you and your kids really don't deserve that hun, whether or not you have been "good." two wrongs never make a right. no matter what you and your kids do, you don't deserve that from him.

look after yourself Rain honey. i wish you all the best in your job hunt and in life. keep us updated!
xxxooo

*smiles*
im so glad things are looking up for you.
you most definitely deserve it.
much love Rain.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Life lessons" are supposed to redirect our thoughts and ways we acomplish things and think about how we ARE supposed to acomplish them (and to make sure we dont forget how to acomplish)

Hope that makes sense??


got a call-- it will be a few days befor they call me in---but i feel good about it.
Another smile,
Rain

I

congratulations on the call!! take care and keep smiling ;)

*fingers crossed*
sending my love, my good vibes, my frienship [always]
and uncountable hugs
im thrilled he was supportive
and dear FRainy....it IS abuse..im sorry..but 'lifes lessons' are not learned thru ANY type of violence...not if there's love...
but we'll talk more on that

im praying you get the job my sweet
love you bunches
'...you make me happppppyyyyy when skies are grey'
love ya fellow frog huntetr
romp

*****ANOTHER COW!!!!!****



INTERVIEW TOMORROW!!!!
IT WASNT SUPPOSED TO UNTIL ANOTHER FEW WEEKS!

*BREATHES --ok-panic leaving---

AHHHHHHHHHHHH_ *happy dancing all about!!!!!!


FRainy

oh wow GOOD LUCK and GOOD LUCK times a thousand
you will rock their world!
good luck Rain!
xxxooo