horrible day yesterday :(
 

I was convinced all along that I knew what the worst day of my life so far has been. Until yesterday, my grandma's funeral. God I hate funerals. Thats the only one ive been to of a close relative. I wouldnt let myself cry because I had to read two poems, I stood up there shaking and I looked around the room as I said them but I couldnt look in anyones faces, my grandad looked utterly heartbroken. I cried once i sat down, especially when the music played and all I could think about was how my lovely little grandma was in a box about to be burnt to ashes and how much i just wanted her back. I have no idea how im supposed to feel about all of this, death is such a strange thing. How can something so natural and inevitable, something we are surrounded by day by day and something that to animals is as much a part of life as living is, have become something so awful and tragic. Maybe we have evolved too far. I dunno, what a question...

*hugs you tight*
I don't really know what I could say to ease your pain, but i am here to talk if you anything.

*brings in a box of tissues*
*gives you cuddles*

You're going to hurt. It is grieving and mourning. It has been my experience that it is easier to do if you just accept the pain and flow with it instead of fighting. It takes time. Delaying the pain won't help either.

Even though I am only separating from/divorcing my parents, when I started the process I made for myself two bracelets out of jet beads. Jet was used for mourning jewlery in Victorian times. Making and wearing those bracelets was a way that I could own the grief. As time went on I wear them less frequently but if I'm having a bad day, I know they're there.

Give yourself permission to have some kind of symbol of what you are going through. After a few weeks when the flood of sympathy cards and visits to your granddad slows down, go visit him and spend time with him. Those are very empty times. You cry or let him cry. When you talk to him, celebrate your grandmas life and honor her death and honor your granddad's sorrow.

What you're feeling is normal. No matter how bad it hurts, you will be okay.
*gives you more cuddles*

*huge hugs*
i think your grandma, whereever she is now, is proud of you
i am sure it meant a lot to her and your granddad that you read those lovely poems
you're right - it's weird that this completely natural thing, death, has become almost unnaturally tragic for us. i think we forget that it is normal, that it isnt an end but a transition, and that the people we lose arent lost forever because their memories and what they have taught us are with us forever

take care of yourself. i hope you and your family are doing well