well fuck..fuck..fuckity fuck*UPDATE*
 

we try so ****ing hard....but for what?????

Kelly cant get in to see her regular gp today. im barely functional and have therapy appt. this afternoon. Kelly can barely walk!!! theyve got her scheduled for tomorrow. im hanging by a really loose thread and i dont think anyone really knows how loose it is.

i have therapy today...then tomorrow Kelly's appt. ...then thursday my medical doc appt. i know it sounds petty but im so scared. i rarely leave the house. this is all too much for me. i feel like a child who needs their mother.

i need help. truthfully...i probably need to be in the hospital because i keep going "in" and "out". my dissociation is becoming a major problem. i lost loads of time yesterday. its almost as if yesterday didnt even happen.

Kelly insists on going with me to therapy so she can talk to my therapist about all this. she's the one who has to witness it all. i may be the one going through it but i couldnt imagine what watching it would be like. plus shes really sick with this damn bite. and im really worried about her.

im just scared that im going to fall apart at a time when i really need to be strong for her. i promise im doing my best. i think the extra stress is causing the dissociation...along with the flashbacks...and well.....mentally i feel like a vegetable.

i feel so useless...helpless...worthless. i know i shouldnt be "wallowing" but damn. i guess im just having a "moment". i want to be more helpful to Kelly. i want to be a "grown up"!!!!! and not a helpless little girl!!!!! im trying so hard and thats what makes it so frustrating......to try so hard and still feel that im getting no where.

i dont think any of this has made any sense....im sorry.

I know theres not much I or anyone else can say or do to help... but I was given some good advice today.

Take one thing at a time.

You've probably heard it before... but if stressing out is making you feel bad then it's the best you can do.
You can only try, but trying is all the people who care about you want.

*hug*

thank you.

i really really really DONT want to go to therapy. im sick. just threw up.
had a flashback ealrier and am hurting all over. i just want to curl up in bed.
but Kelly insists i go.:crying:

kelly is smart and she is right
when you feel your worst is when you need therapy the most
kelly is a big girl and she wouldn't be with you right now if she didnt care and didnt want to be there, so all of this uselessness talk and such is complete crap honey
you rock and you arent useless silly rachel

also i hope that you look at isoverity's reply to your post in your "please keep kelly in your thoughts" thread because it is about these things that get diagnosed as spider bites but really arent, staft infections or something
might be worth a peek at least

huggles xxxooo

Let Kelly go to therapy with you, since she's witnessing what's happening. It may distract her from her pain too. Is she able to wear her wedding ring again yet?

What you've said about feeling like a girl and wanting to be an adult makes perfect sense to me.

Don't try to do the whole week at once. Do what's in front of you or do the next indicated thing are sayings that I rely on a lot. So today is your therapy. Tonight make sure that Kelly has the ice and meds she needs. Then set the alarm clock for tomorrow and let that day take care of itself until it comes.

*rocks you and cuddles you*

thoughts are with you both...so soory
luv
romp

you need to go - especially when you feel at your worst, it might help you to talk more easily. hope you are feeling a bit better, love to kelly too - keep hanging on rach, mand x

i went. :)
we are going to begin CBT therapy which is what i was doing with my last therapist.
i will be seeing him once a week.

right now im just taking a moment to breathe as we have been crazy busy lately and tomorrow, we'll be at it again seeing her surgeon.

thanks for the support guys.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

YAYYYYY
way to go rach you deserve huge hugs
i LOVE the sounds of this therapist by the way
does he have a therapist brother in massachusetts by any chance?

hope kelly is improving - i'm still sending good thoughts her way

*hugs Rachel tightly*
Good girl for going through with the appointment.
You're a very brave, strong woman and I know you'll get through this.

*holds you tight*
Thinking of you hun, you can get through this.
Always here for you
Love Lora xxx

Thinking of you too.

well done on the therapy.
Take care of you and Kelly

Love

Lozx

You are by no means useless. you help me so much in so many ways. and i just want you to concentrate on YOU and taking good care of YOU. please don't worry about me baby girl. i'll be just fine. all i want from you, is you to take care of YOU and for you to keep giving me your sweet, unending, precious love... which you give so generously. and i'm so proud of you for going to your appointment!!! you made it!!! and will keep making it. i'll always be here for you to lean on and you have wonderful friends on here who are always here for you too. the stress level has been getting much higher lately, but you should try your best to just focus on one day at a time. see..... you didn't have to take noa to paris today, like you thought and i'm able to drive now, so that's alot less running you have to do this week. alot of this stress was for nothing sweetheart. but it's ok, just try to take it one day at a time or even one hour at a time. and please do rest as much as you possibly can. now that you're sick you need it more than ever!!! i love you soo very much. more than i could ever say. please know and understand that i love you just the way you are and i DON'T want you to pressure yourself to try to be more for me than you already are. you're MORE than enough for me just EXACTLY the way you are and i don't feel i even deserve someone as sweet, gentle, and true as you. but here we are... we've found each other. we've found REAL TRUE LOVE. and i thank God for that!!! this kind of love doesn't come around everyday. :-D

I LOVE YOU BUTTERCUP!
SO VERY VERY MUCH!

always,
your baby girl
XOXOXOXOXOX