i really NEED to harm....
 

its been a while now since ive hurt myself. but its building inside me. the flashbacks only make it worse....the need..the want to do it. i know its only a temporary release but at this point ANY release would be welcoming.

honestly...the only reason i havent harmed is because of Kelly.
im staying sober because of Kelly.
she really is my motivation because i know how much it upsets her.

but then i think about me.
do i want to stop? im not sure.
it IS nice not to have open wounds all over my body anymore. and its nice to know that i actually may be able to wear short sleeves this summer.

its late at night and Kelly is sleeping. she's quite ill from the spider bite.
maybe im just feeling vulnerable. maybe im just confused.

all i know is that i know where a blade is and i can get to it.
the problem is stopping myself.

Please try not to cut if you can. You can get through these urges. Youy do not need to cut. Think about how disappointed you would be with yourself if you did this. You say you need a release but it doesn't have to be a negative release. How you thought about releasing all this build up in you in a positive way. Like journaling, drawing, going for a run, punching your pillows, tearing up newspaper etc.Hang in there and remember these urges will pass you just have to give them time. I'm her if you need someone to talk to. Take care
Kat xxx

thank you.
xxxxx

I know that feeling and being alone really doesn't help. If you can try to be around someone else or do something. Sometimes I'll scrub dishes or something when I get like that. Or I'll pound a pillow against a wall (maybe not a good idea if people are sleeping). *hugs* You can beat this. The urge will pass.

know what? i know that you dont actually want to cut
you are so proud of yourself for staying sober and staying safe
you love not having fresh cuts, knowing that you are clean and healthy
but more than that you like knowing that you are strong and safe and that you are also safe for kaleb and keith and kelly
i know this because of you, and what you post
you are always happy when you post how you havent cut and that you are working on being safe
those few times a while back that you gave in and hurt yourself though, you were always really sad and depressed after
and guess what? you never seemed relieved or like you had had some kind of release
i think it worked you up even more
so if you are thinking of giving in because you want a release, think twice about it because i am pretty sure that cutting solves absolutely nothing and that you won't get any release

if you want a release, to get energy out, maybe write something, post in ranting+venting, or clean something or do some exercises or whatever

be safe honey. i hope kelly feels better and i hope you are okay miss lovely rachel

take care
xxxooo

damn Callie....youre right.

the regret will be way worse than the temporary release.
i really wish i could cry. i know thats what i need. but the tears wont come. theyre "stuck". and i HATE that feeling.

ive just got some freaking issues going on right now and im all stressed out.
i would post about it..but ****...ive already got enough on the board.

im not going to harm tonight.
ive taken meds to hopefully make me sleepy.

thank you everyone.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I think Callie is right. Even though you have a lot of stuff, why don't you go ahead and post and tell us. Sometimes we need more support than other times.

How's Kelly doing?

thanks guys...

Kelly is in pain but shes working through it.
recluse bites can be really nasty.
her poor leg is really swollen and has turned black in the center of the bite.
tomorrow she is going to her gp and let him monitor the situation because these bites can get out of control.

we are both just trying to help each other.
thank you all again.
loves.
xxxx

hey rachel honey how are you? how was last night? did you sleep okay? i hope you were able to beat those urges because i know i was channeling a moment of brilliance earlier and that you didn't really want to. it's hard, after years of depending on it, to realise that the si actually was completely and utterly useless even though we try to tell ourselves in desperate moments that it wasn't

you said that your tears felt stuck and that you were having trouble getting them out and venting. sometimes when i feel really emotional and can't express it, i watch a really sad movie (usually titanic or romeo+juliet because i own those from my leonardo dicaprio days) and make myself sad on purpose. those movies are GUARANTEED to make me cry, and once i cry for the movie i kind of release everything and can actually cry for myself.

love to you and kelly

by the way i think i may be developing a more severe case of arachnophobia now. i was already terrified of spiders, but seriously, da-amn those little buggers are nasty!!!

thanks so much Callie.
im in a really ****ed up mood right now.
Kelly's daughter was supposed to go to the docs with her today as i am IN ****ING PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i swear her daughter is a spoiled ungrateful brat.
when SHE wants something everyone jumps!!! but ask her for something and NOPE!!!!!
im well and truly pissed!!!
will update later after we get back from the docs.
xxxxxx

well that's unfortunate!
how old is kelly's daughter?

i hope the appt goes well *fingers crossed*

Thinking of you!