Complicated...Advice please!
 

Well, heres the situation.. when I was 12 I was raped, the man got caught because there were a lot of other people it happened to as well, I didn't got to court because I couldn't handle it at the time, and not many others did either so he only got 11 years. He got out about a year ago (after having served 5 years). I always thought I was over it and it didn't bother me anymore. But ever since the police got in contact with me a few months after it happened I've wet the bed.. not all the time just every now and then. Its tricky people are sympathetic about the rape but just think I'm weird for the bed wetting which is also something I didn't ask for. Now everything should be great at the moment, I've got a great boyfriend and we both want to buy a house together, he knows about the rape and the bed thing.. well kind of (it happened once when I was at his, but I doubt if he quite realise's its more that just a one off). Its an extremely uncomfortable topic to talk to him about so I'd rather not if possible, but I think hes starting to feel like I'm pushing him away and I don't want to live with him. Its just I don't want to live with him when this still happens as I'm sure you can understand. Any advise would be greatly appreciated!?

Well, this is a tough situation, and I'm not even going to comment on what happened to you - I'm not that great with words. But you wanted advice, so here's my approach.

You want to live together with this guy, and that's a great thing - but I don't think it'll work unless you're honest with him. Of course it's an embarrassing thing, but what is he supposed to think now? He could jump to the conclusion that you don't love him anymore. Maybe if it's too hard to talk about it, you could write him a letter?

As for the whole problem, have you considered getting professional help - therapy? The bed wetting seems like a sign that a part of you is bothered by the past despite what you thought.

Well, just my thoughts on the matter *shrug*

hi
i know where u are comming from with not wanting to tell him .! but a relationship is all about truth and honnesty. If he loves you as much as he says then he will understand and still respect u for the person u are and not whats happening to u..!

the only thing i can suggest is for the next few weeks try and sort out the problem ur facing ..! i use to we the bed all the time and well there are a few things i tried ..! maybe try leavin ur light on at night ...! avoid dairy products be4 u go to bed ...! and also try reading a nice book with a good happy story line n read it till ya drop n then maybe the ur mind will focus on the book and not whats happened to u in the past ..! the bed wettin is feeling insucure about ur sel for all u have bben thru and alltough u may not realise it ur mind keeps rememberin what happend causing ur nerves to be all uptight ..!

sorry i havent got any other suggestions ..! and i hope the ones i have given u come in handy ...!
take care hun
"hugs"
x lee x

I guess bedwetting comes from being nervous. You could try working through any issues you still have with the rape or go to the doctors and see if there is anything they can do to stop the problem. Otherwise I'd tell your boyfriend because, even though it's embarassing, I'm sure he'll understand. Hope things work out *hugs*

I think you should try and talk to him and/or a therapist about it. Communication is most important in a relationship, let him know your thoughts, what's bothering you. That's what he's there for. Good luck.

i think it is up to u in the end. try tlkin to him and see how he feels about things, i know it is hard to speck about it.

Thank you all for the advice.. I think you've all just confirmed what I've been kidding myself really. I didnt know it came from being nervous though, but that does make a lot of sence

And I've tried all the medications etc they've sugested and not of them are really that reliable.. also I do read every night. I think I need to face up to the fact I do need some kind of therapy or something, Thank you xx

I know it's repeating what other posters have said but you should talk to your man about it. It's not like it's your fault! And if you ever plan on having children expect a lot of embarassing things to happen to you! Everytime I coughed when I was pregnant I peed myself a little! I still do occasionally and I had my daughter almost 3 years ago!!! If you plan on living with your man, you have to be prepared for some embarassing stuff, it's just natural. Also, look up Kegal exercises, it's a way to help strengthen your bladder muscles, which may help with the problem. Good luck!

As the others have said relationships are built on trust. He know's about the rape and he knows you have wet the bed before and he still loves you so maybe you should trust him enought to let him in.

Getting help sounds like a great plan and could be really valuable in the long run in a number of ways that arent obvious at the moment.

good luck and take care

xoox

it sounds like its come from ridual worry from the rape i'd see an therapist concerning that. it will help you deal with both issues, i would imagine got partner will be very understandign about this isssue. like what was preivoulsy put relationhips are all about sharing things, plus if he's a drinker i'm sure you'll experince it for a lesser reason lol. i look at things very matterof factly. i know this may seem strange but pampers do theses matises sheets that you put on a toddles bed incase of accidents. using them will help with cleaning up. when i work in residnetal care they was known a kyle's and where a real think blanket.

take care

no really advice but I wanted to offer you a hug. It must be so hard for you to move on in a relationship following a bad experience,

all the best,

Syrup.

I already know he'll be fine about it, because when it happened I cried and he just gave me a cuddle and that and we sorted the bed out and he demanded I get back in with him because I hadnt had much sleep. So I already know hes not going to be funny with me but its still really hard to talk to him about it. I suppose its really just that I dont want to talk to him about it properly because then its admitting it might not go away. I'm pretty sure he's already aware within reason because when he comes round to mine my quilt and pillows are on the line (which I'm pretty most people dont wash very often. lol). I'm definately going to read up on that Kegal exercises.. try anything once!

And with regards to the sheets.. I use them on my bed but I cant really use them on a double with him because he's heavier then me so he'd wake up in the morning and think it was him that had wet the bed lol