How much more? update last post 29/2
 

I sat in A+E today crying for about two hours whilst waiting to get stitches. Even then I had to beg to speak to someone. My CPN put back our meeting till next week, that will mean I am seeing him on average once every five weeks. The guy I saw at A+E said I had 'some of the signs of mild depression' and he wasn't worried and thought I would be fine.

How many times do I have to go to A+E for stitches before they realise maybe, just maybe there might be a problem? :crying: I spent last night planning ways to kill myself and finally settled on one foolproof way, researched train tickets and prices for that, a saving plan for the ticket etc etc. Everything just hurts and I have had enough. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I know that I will end up killing myself, I won't die of old age or illness or anything like that. The only uncertainty is when I cave in. I just want someone to acknowledge that things aren't ok, but hug me and promise they will be, even if that is a lie.

Sorry for the pointless ranty post :crying:

oh hun. i can totally relate to what your saying about the only uncertainty being when you cave in. hugs hugs hugs. please dont do anything like that though. i know things must suck right now, especially A+E being such twats. but things can get better, and they will.
sorry not many words of wisdom there, just wanted to reply and say stay safe you can pull through.
xxx

*hugs you*
I know its horrible when you feel all alone and even the people that do care seem to be too wrapped up in their own business to spare you a couple of minutes. But you are not alone and things will be ok (and that's not a lie!) I'm not saying it will all get better overnight, just take things one day/hour or even minute at a time and you will come thro the other side.
Hang on in there. xxx

*hugs* please don't plan anything, hun. I don't really have any advice. Anyway, you could tell your doctor all of these things you are feeling?

Good luck!

*sits and rocks* I haven't even got the energy to cut. I never want to leave this room again. I am so useless.

*gentle snuggles*
things WILL be ok.
much love.
xxxxxxxxx

Thanks for the replies, it means a lot.

I have just had enough. I wish so badly I wasn't here. IT HURTS why does nobody realise that??

My friend told me today he thought there was something wrong with him because he turns his friends crazy and that if I cut again he will cut himself or try and kill himself. So I won't tell him. But he is supposed to be my best friend who I tell about everything and who maybe doesn't understand but makes me laugh and listens anyway.

Why does it HURT so much?? I just want to be somewhere safe but that place doesn't exist. Or if it does then I am not considered 'bad enough' to be there.

oh honey i am so sorry
you need to still be here and you can be safe and that whole you aren't "bad enough" - we all deserve to be safe
be careful with that friend of yours, he sounds a like a total prat and that whole "if you cut then i will" is like emotional blackmail
i think that maybe the two of you need to talk because that is not okay and that type of thinking will not help anybody
be safe and keep us updated
xxxooo

I saw the mental health co-ordinator for my university again today. She wants me to talk to my Dad about whats going on and using his insurance to pay for an inpatient program. She said she thinks I need at least a year of intensive DBT therapy and should take a year off uni. She is lovely, she understands what I am saying and has been in the care of the MHT herself so knows what it is like. I just wish I could talk to him or had the courage to tell my family what is going on but it would hurt them too much.

Honey I can relate so much to what you have said, I have been in the same situation with A&E, they were so NOT helpful. AndI know how you feel about waiting to cave in, so I want you to know you are not alone hun. Things will get better hun, they really will. Just please hold on, please keep fighting, and take care, Im always around if you want to talk
Love Lora xx

i am so glad to hear that this counsellor gets you and has good ideas she sounds fab
could you talk to your dad with her? maybe come down and the 3 of you could have a meeting together or something?
i think talking to your dad is a good idea
it can feel so good to finally get everything all laid out in the open and then to feel free to start working on it
it sounds like you are doing a little better so yay you!!

i agree that asking her to speak with your dad or you all meeting together is a great idea.
im sorry that i have no other help to offer.
much love.
xxxxxxxxx

RIGHT. I do not deserve to wasgte tim,e with another thread BUT I am getting drunk. I did not even hurt if I am honest , but i FElt nothing so I decided getting drumk was the perrrrfect way forward. I have stopped taking my AD's and am now self medicating with alchohl. What kind of freakishb loser does thatg?? I think I need more w3ine. I do not huert emotionally as much as I DESERVE. I deserve pain, I am horrible. I started making a list of all the reasons why then realised posting that would not cghange those things.

Sorry gfor pointless poist. Love you all, sorry I am son **** at replying to you lovely, worthwhile, amazcing people. xxx

did something happen that you want to talk about maybe?
why did you stop taking your antidepressants? self-medicating with alcohol may feel good for the time being but it isnt good for you and it won't help. alcohol is a depressant, isnt it? (does anybody know or am i making that up?) the alcohol will leave you sick and feeling worse, and possibly only result in you drinking more and then it will be this useless and destructive cycle of drinking
have you talked to your doc about stopping your meds? i am guessing you havent so i will ask you to please tell them that you stopped. if you dont go off safely in a way that they can monitor you and do it slowly so that you are not in withdrawl you can end up sick or emotionally unstable and that isnt what you need right now at all

you are a lovely person, too, and you dont suck or deserve emotional pain. i feel like something must have happened recently to make you feel this way and if you ever want to talk about it or share it you can pm me any time or post it here.

take care and put the wine away and make sure that you have some water, lots of water, or tea or something because otherwise you will get hungover.
xxxooo

Chocostashchick- you are such ab amazing person. So lovely, but the truth id, I dont know why I am now like this. I guess just recently realised nopbody cares. I am sat here with a wound that I kjnow needs stitches and all I Can think is trhat it should be worse. But I cant ecen inflict the wound I need to make things vetter.

that's not true at all!!!!! people do care. your mental health co-ordinator at university cares, your dad cares, that best friend of yours that you mentioned before cares, we care on ryl, and YOU CARE you really do. that is why you are taking the mega huge step of reaching out on here.

that cut does not need to be bigger. it won't help anything and you won't feel better. you need to drink some water, or tea or something, clean yourself up, and if you really need stitches you need to call a friend or a cab or something and get to a+e. are you on campus now? can you have somebody walk you to a campus health center?

possibly you can sleep off the wine and drive to a+e tomorrow, but be careful because sometimes they don't stitch wounds after 8 hours. if it doesnt stop bleeding though please call an ambulance or something.

i think that maybe stopping the ADs suddenly like this was a really bad idea and might be why you feel so bad all of a sudden. please in the morning call your doc and tell them what happened and they can help you get the meds on a better level and if you really want to stop them and you just won't take them anymore they can wean you off it over the next couple of weeks or months so that you wont be in withdrawl and so that it wont be a sudden shock to your system.

REMEMBER that TONIGHT you need to drink water, drink LOTS OF WATER, CLEAN YOUR CUT, APPLY COMPRESSION, and find a safe way to get to the doctor or A+E to have it looked at. TOMORROW you need to call your doctor about going off your ADs.

that is your mission should you choose to accept it

you need to accept it

also i should let you know that you will be okay, because right now i am sucking up all the bad luck in the universe (seriously i am getting slammed with it) but the good thing is that it means that there is only good luck left for everybody else so you should be getting some of that good luck

We care.
*gives you a hug*

heya, sorry for last night- I was a little out of control and upset. Got myself sorted at A+E today and just came home and slept. Lol the mental health liason nurse though asked me if I would see someone from the community alcoholism (or something like that) team. I am not an alcoholic so god knows why he wanted me to do that lol. Thanks again for the hugs and replies, you are all truely wonderful people xx

hey emma
you have nothing to be sorry for - that's why ryl is here!
i'm so glad that you made it to a+e and that you are doing better
hey maybe the community alcoholism team might not be a bad idea? addictions are addictions be it alcohol or si or smoking or drugs, it might help? it could help you sort out what went on last night that made that wine seem so appealing, too.
anyway stay safe and keep us updated
xxxooo callie