My Huge Never-Ending Pointless Thread *trigs for everything*
 

so a couple of months ago i think i had a mini-freak-out or something, not like a violent nervous breakdown but just mentally i think i freaked and totally slipped into denial land (a very fun place that i wager a lot of us frequent regularly). this fall i "came out" with my si and my food crap (whatever it is, ed, addicted to purging lol i dont know) for the first time to two people - one who found out i did it as a teenager but didnt know i never stopped and one who had no idea. i had never never talked about this to anybody before really. even my friend who knew in high school, we would never actually talk about it because i just couldnt, i close up. so anyway after i told them, i think i like freaked out because my defense mechanism of secrecy and denial just was obliterated and i dont know how to live without it. i had tried therapy in the summer (HA that was crap, the therapist was awful) and the reason i told them was that the therapist said i had to stop lying to people or whatever. i didnt think i was doing that, but i know that i was not letting people know the real me. they world knows the happy callie that is always "fine" and "great" and never complains about anything and always talks about other people's issues but never hers. i know that the real me has issues and isn't always fine, but i don't know how to be that person with others. the real callie doesn't play well with others. so after i came out to them, about EVERYTHING, i totally shut down. it sucked so much. i couldnt talk to them anymore, i avoided them like the plague and then when they called me on it i tried to pretend that i had exaggerated and it wasnt as much as i said and that i felt better and it was all a lot of worry for nothing. somehow, i actually thought they would believe me. obviously they didnt, because that would be stupid, but it took months, until last week, for me to stop. i wasn't just pretending to them that i was fine, i think i was doing it to myself, too. i just slowly stopped coming on ryl because it was really triggering and i kind of convinced myself that i didn't have problems with si and eating and mental crap so i didnt need to come on here. i wanted to erase every bit of evidence that i had issues, except for the behaviors themselves which i just kept doing in secret but i told myself that i wasnt dependent on them and that i would probably never stop but that was okay (yes i see the hypocrisy there but that is how my mind works). so anyway last week when i my friend had a mini intervention and talked to me about it, it was like a huge slap in the face because she was 100% honest and said that i was being borderline rude, just shutting her out, and that i needed help because she pointed out to me that i was acting like it would go on forever and that i could never get help and stop and that it wasnt true and she could see i was getting worse. what scared me was that i didnt realise the impact of how i was treating her and my friends. i had had no idea that i was being rude to people and hurting people. none. i started seriously thinking, and i thought back to one of my limited therapy sessions before i quit, and i realised that my therapist had been trying to point out to me that i am practically emotionally retarded - like i totally cant identify my own emotions and how they impact my behavior. my brain just doesnt work like that, and it scared the crap out of me to realise that.
so i guess that in my completely scatterbrained way, that is the story of how i realised that i think i need help, therapy or something, and that i actually need to give it a try and make an effort other than just showing up once a week to sit in a comfy chair and be resistant and then magically expect to change. the thing is though, that the two therapists i saw were utter crap. the first lady was weird, and told me she had a magic backpack in the corner of her room, talked to me like i was about 6 years old, and even though i only saw her once and was very clear about it, insisted that i self injured because i had been sexually abused and after i cleared her up (i thought), told me to read a book before our second session. i made the next appt, went home, and got the book from the library. it was about female abuse survivors recovering from ptsd and the "cycle of self harm". i cancelled the next therapy appt and never went back to her, because clearly she was prejudiced thinking that the only people who si have been abused and have ptsd or something. that therapist i had been referred to by my gp's office, and since it was a flop, and i still wanted to try therapy, the next and last therapist i tried i found on the internet. she sucked also. did not get si at all even though it was listed as an area of expertise. she just said "you need to stop cutting, just stop" and to just "throw away your tools." umm no doesnt work like that - i mean dont we all get attached to and to some degree find serious comfort in our tools? i practically had a panic attack thinking about it and i dont get panic attacks!! then she said "okay just try cutting and purging only once a day." hmm seemed reasonable, so i tried, and didnt realise that i was like saving it all up for my one daily moment of self destruction. let's just say that in 3 days i lost about 7 pounds and gave myself the the most severe injuries that i have in the 11 years i have been self injuring and they are the worst scars on my body. so yeah i stopped going to her.
i am so fed up because i tried every method i could think of to find a therapist and it failed. and part of me wonders if it was me and not them. ugh. i know i need help but i dont know what to do. i really truly feel like i am going to be like this forever and i am doomed and it is going to kill me.

Wow. Hun, I am so sorry you have been going through all of this. First off, you should be so proud for trying to get help and even prouder for realizing you need help. It seems you have a friend that cares about you. It isn't uncommon for us to shut others out or feel remorse after sharing our "issues" with others. Try not to beat yourself up over these things.

Im sorry you have had so much trouble trying to find a new therapist. Please don't give up. I'm glad to hear you are still fighting. Maybe the next therapist you find, tell them all of these things you have written here. Let me hear your pain and frustration. With the cutting, I found that the more pressure I put on myself, the worse off I was. I tried to back off from that. Basically, instead of "trying not to cut", I would try to distract myself when I wanted to. Does that make sense? Like, when I tried not to cut it would take over my thoughts. I just had to think of it from a different point of view.

I don't think you will be like this forever, hun. You are a fighter and it shows so well! I don't know if I've helped at all, but I do wish you luck in finding a new therapist.

I wish I had some wise advice for you about finding a therapist. My insurance company set me up with a psychaitrist and then when she cut down her hours, that psychaitrist sent me to one who specializes in addiction. The new psych is able to handle my alcoholism, SI, overeating and all of the emotional stuff behind it. I asked specifically to work with a woman because of incest issues.

Have you considered a therapist who specializes in eating disorders? I'm glad you're persisting in looking.

Sometimes it is difficult to know how much to tell friends. I don't have many friends but I don't call them friends unless I trust them and can tell them anything. If trust is really broken then the friendship doesn't feel real to me anymore. I'm totally emotionally retarded. My friends know me and accept that. Just like they know if they need help I'll be there as fast as I reasonably can and what do I need to bring. For me it is all about trust.

You have obviously given this a lot of thought, and it sounds like you have a pretty good handle on the source and basic stuff of your si-ing. Now, you just need a therapist that's not crazier than you....difficult, I know. Keep trying. It's too bad that you've had bad therapists all in a row like that, but you just gotta keep looking because obviously they're not ALL like that.
I hope that you can get the help you deserve!
That being said, I have one real question and one rhetorical question:

1) What is the story with the magic backpack in the corner *snickers*?

2) Who the hell tells someone who si's to only do it once a day? That's like telling a druggie to please limit their heroin use to once a day and what are they gonna do then? Load that s*** up, that's what. Lord, I can't believe these people get licensed.

It's all going to get better. The more you can become comfortable with telling people, the better it's going to get. Good luck with everything...keep us updated!

D'Arcy

thank you so much all of you for posting, Divine.Night and Susan and D'Arcy, it really helps a ton. i just wish that i could like pause my brain and maintain the same train of thought for more than an afternoon because now i look at it and i am so confused and it feels like another person's thoughts or something, but it helps to like think out loud, doesn't it? at least to like record your past thoughts.

D'Arcy, the stupid magic backpack was an invisible backpack or something that sat in the corner of the room and like ate all of your problems after you said them outloud and then when you came back to therapy it let them out so you could talk about them and then it ate them back up again so you didn't have to carry your troubles with you all by yourself *puke gag shudder*
that was really the moment that she lost me
but the book recommendation that didn't apply and was not remotely useful clinched it for me

so thanks again for reading the practically incomprehensible novel that i wrote up there!

hi Callie....

so nice to see you back around!!!!
i am sorry its under these circumstances however.

ive gone through the "denial" stage also, for many years actually.
and then it just kinda "slapped" me in the face.

ive seen umpteen therapists and have only clicked with 2 of them.
i saw one for over a year and now my new one seems really on the mark.
after seeing so many therapists....ive found that the more questions you ask them on the FIRST session...the more you will know if they are right for you.
because the first session is about getting to know each other. and a truly dedicated therapist will gladly refer you to someone else if they arent qualified to deal with your personal issues.

so....if and when you see another....make sure to ask questions...ask how much experience theyve had with working with people that have similar problems as yours. most true therapists will offer you to ask questions.

i hope you find some peace hunni.
love you.
xxxxxxxx

thanks rach :)

thanks rowie
i think there is something seriously wrong with me because as i read all of the replies, that all make so much sense and should be very helpful and encouraging, i think about this and get really panicky and uncomfortable. i am trying to psych myself up to call my gp or something and i feel like it is pointless and that i really don't need to - like i am lying maybe? does that even make sense? it's like because my head isn't completely insane and bizarre i must actually not deserve help, and i am wondering if i am saying that on purpose to myself because i am afraid of getting help or something but i don't think i am because i tried before
i want to cry, destroy myself, eat, and shop all at the same time
i feel icky and cold
i need a break so i can think about this for real without becoming borderline hysterical haha
i so wish this would all go away

thank you everybody for your wicked nice replies

i am trying to hard not to freak out right now
my friend who i came out to a few months is supposed to call me after she gets home from work in an hour or so and we are supposed to Talk because i left her a message saying that i thought about what she said and that i want to take her advice
and now i want to die and pretend it never happened and if i just don't answer the phone and pretend i have no idea what she is talking about do you think that will work?
i am seriously like paralyzed by this fear right now and for the past two days i have just like sat in bed while bills and crap pile up and feeling useless and afraid and sucky and i hate this so much
okay i don't know if i am going to answer the phone but i am going to sort through my bills and stuff at least
maybe at the next commercial because oprah is on and i love oprah

huh
so, yeah, guess who hasn't called me? yep that's right she hasn't even called
i am sure that she is just busy with her daughter and making dinner or something and that it isn't that she doesn't care but i think this is like a sign or something
maybe i am not supposed to need help for this, because if i was ready to move forward and be proactive with therapy or something i would just do it and not be so like codependent
so i must not be ready, or maybe i dont need it at all
what is a therapist going to tell me that i don't already know?
i feel like i should care more, but that's probably just the oxy talking

okay you know what? i changed my mind. this is unacceptable!! i have done EVERYTHING i could think of to try and get some fcuking help here and i just get like shot down along the way!!! i called my gp and got referred to a therapist ALL BY MYSELF and i go to the appt and what happens? the lady is crazier than i am and thinks she has a magical invisible backpack!! do i give up? NO. i stay strong, i don't get beat down, and i just call my insurance company and they give me a website and i go online and i find a therapist in my area who claims to treat people like me and i stick with her for like 2 months and what happens? she is a lying bitch and she makes me worse not better. that whole crap about purge once a day and si once a day? it took me like a month to be able to eat regularly again because i got in the habit of eating once a day and then purging immediately after!! anybody who was actually a competent therapist probably would have predicted that that is what would have happened!! UGH!!! this is so frustrating!! so yeah i gave up for a while and now i figure that i need to talk to people who have seen therapists in this area that i live in and i talk to my friend who has seen therapists in my area, as well as her mom who is bipolar and her sister who has had similar issues to me apparently (at least with purging) and i take a big step and i call her and leave a message and ask for help and she called me last night and said that she was busy then but could we talk today and i was a good girl and i didnt turn off my phone or screen calls and what the hell happens? SHE DOESNT CALL ME
AM I FCUKING CURSED OR SOMETHING HERE???? i have done EVERYTHING i could think of to get help and nothing works for me
THIS IS NOT FAIR
this is beyond my control at this point!!!
WHAT MORE CAN I DO PEOPLE????
i am so so so pissed off


actually this is just really hilarious isnt it
i think i might be cursed
everything that can go wrong does go wrong
did i mention how i got a $135 ticket las weekend for applying lip gloss while driving? yeah that's me i'm cursed (lol it was even a RED LIGHT PEOPLE)
i think i should make my life into a movie
oh yeah and last night there were bugs in my bed
for real
oh and more fun new things - i think i have hallucinated a couple times. like seeing bugs and people that arent there by my car and i saw my bed breathe. yippe skippy it makes me laugh

Whoahhh
I have totally been there.
Try calm down.Its not you thats the problem its them.The crap therapists,the friend not calling you back its there prob not yours.
Do you actually have a diagnoises?(sorry i am am crap at spelling)
I think you are so brave its so hard to keep fighting to survive when everything seems to be blocking you.
You have got this far and should be really proud of yourself
(yes i can be a hypocrite)
You have really supported me and i know for the fact if it wasnt for support on here i would of crumbled a long time ago.
Keep posting hun and if someone doesnt reply straight please don't be disheartened.
We care.Keep pushing about trying to find a therapist that is right for you.You deserve the best.
If i could help you more i would.
sorry
Keep safe

You ain't cursed sista. I know it seems that way sometimes (okay most of the time) but this is just something you have to wait out, I think. You've had a rough go of it recently, eh? Totally sucks. It's unfair, and I'm sorry it had to happen to you.
You know, I think your instincts are right about your friend...I'm sure she forgot to call because something crazy came up. It still doesn't feel good though. *pulls you out of bed* No more oxy, silly. *hugs* Get in the shower. Now as long as you can walk around, you keep fighting. There are so many things for you to find that will make you happy! You just have to find someone to help clear the cobwebs.
Pretend that the world is a magic rainbow back pack that sucks all of the bad therapists in, and pulls out all the good ones.
*hugs tightly*
You can do it, sweetie. Just hang in there. If you need to talk, I am always here and I know lots of jokes if you're sad.

much love

D'Arcy

thanks Hope and D'Arcy (imagining the rainbow backpack is funny lol)
i appreciate it
i don't actually have a diagnosis or anything (i umm didnt really stick with therapy long enough for that) so yeah i have no idea what is going on
between the oxy and like half a container of cookie dough and i am totally disgusted with myself but feeling very fuzzy so i dont even really care
but um yeah i called this therapy center near my house that i know people who go there and left a message and i dont even know if it was coherent but maybe they will call me back and i will get help
omgosh i still cant believe i just did that
ew ew ew ew ew what is wrong with me

The one time I actually got some help, it was from a crisis center. The therapist there didn't even cringe or anything when I told her about the SI. But at a crisis center, I guess they see things alot worse than that. There is someone out there for you who can help, but it will take time and research to find that person. I agree with the above suggestion to ask questions of the doctor. And I highly recommend apa.org and psych.org to check out doctors who might be specialized in the field of SI and ED's. Don't give up hope. And good luck!

hey callie,

incompetent idiots is what i have to say about them!!!!!
it really frustrates me and makes me angry when people are actually TRYING to get help and then get the run-around like this!!!!!
you arent cursed. they are simply incompetent.

keep trying girl....dont give up.

and this may be none of my business...so just tell me if it isnt, lol...but why are you taking oxycodone? maybe i missed something? have you gotten hurt recently? or do you take them for headaches. i know of people who take them for headaches. sorry....my curiosity gets the best of me, lol.

hang in there.
much much love.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

thanks rach and delikatskin

i'm trying not to give up
arghhhh life is haaard

so she did finally call me and was very nice and supportive and lovely and everything should be fine she is really happy i want help and all of that crap

i think i want to vomit
now that i feel like i am actually making progress i instinctively wish i wasnt and feel scared which is stupid but i can't stop
i cant believe i called that therapy place and left a message ew ew ew

but um yay? it's good that i did? i'm supposed to feel pride right now or something? go me?

so yea there is basically no reason for the oxy i think

in other news, somebody pulled a hit-and-run on my car
YIPPEE!!! could things GET any worse?
yeah in my own parking lot, somebody hit the front of my car and CRACKED THE BUMPER RIGHT THROUGH
i don't even want to think about what this is going to cost me
i want to cry
what is wrong with my life?
first the totally bogus $135 ticked for "impeded conduct" aka putting on makeup while driving (i'm sorry but if it's legal to talk on a cell phone and drive, i can't put on lipgloss at a red light?? what???)
and now this?!?! i mean i think i am going to have to get a whole new bumper!!!
i hate my life
so much

i cannot afford this i cannot afford this

this is sorta a wakeup call though
i mean i need to get my life together
i need to stop wasting time and get a career or something
and to stop spending money
my visa bill is out of control people, and i look at the charges and those like $90 jeans that i just HAD TO HAVE and all those nights out partying and those expensive dinners make me realise that i did not actually need it even though it felt like i did
what you NEED to spend money on is things like your car when some bastard hits it and runs off

i dont make a very good grownup do it

sigh

Being a grownup is tough! And I've learned that shopping doesn't fix anything. I'm almost at a point now where I hate to shop for clothing. Okay, I will admit to shopping for ponytail holders, I have a totally cute one for St. Patrick's day. I found my orange one too to wear on SI awareness day. My husband and I seldom eat out any more, don't want to pay for it.

Your ticket for lip gloss at a red light is absolutely nuts. Can you go to court and fight that ticket? Yeah, the people who talk on cell phones in the car really frustrate me. They are usually women and are so careless exp in parking lots. Thinking about of it, one almost backed into me last week. I've sort of added them to my catagories of dangerous drivers.

I hate idiot drivers! Real accidents I can live with, they happen. I've been bumped a couple of times, no harm. Your insurance won't cover your bumper? Did you call the police and report it? Uh you might take photos too as evidence.

Hope things get better for you. I know how frustrating it is.

*gives you a hug*

thanks susan
i am fighting the ticket - i have mailed it in and requested a hearing
i took your advice and called my insurance company and reported the hit and run (for some reason i thought insurance couldnt cover it but i was wrong). yeah the thing is that i have to pay the deductible.... which is $500...... great. i am the victim of a hit and run, which i had nothing to do with, and now i have to pay $500?? it's going to cost more than that to pay for the repairs, so insurance is helping, but yeah i'm like gutted.

oh guess what? i hit a pothole over the weekend (it was in the middle of the road how was i supposed to avoid it without crashing into oncoming traffic????) and noticed yesterday that i was steering funny so i just brought my car in to have it checked out..... and had to pay $300 to get a new tire, rotate the tires, and realign my car. the mechanic was like "have you hit a pot hole recently? your tire is bubbled and your alignment is off." i didn't realise how expensive that was going to be. don't people hit potholes all the time? the roads are full of them!! why didnt anybody tell me that potholes are these evil money traps to be avoided at all cost???

that $300 pretty much maxes out my visa card i don't know how i am going to pay this bill this month
why do i overextend myself at the same time that fate decides to beat me over the head with bad luck?
i don't even want to think about that $500 deductible right now either. that's going to totally RUIN me.

oh and by the way haven't heard anything from that crap therapy center that i left a message at on friday
it's like 5:30pm here so the day is over. i'm kinda pissed off. a little disappointed. annoyed.

AM I GOING TO BE ALONE IN THIS FOREVER?????????? IS THERE REALLY NO HOPE????

i dont understand the way the world works it makes no sense i cant function in it