4th anniversary of "the" day.
 

i know ive spoken of this before but im going to again if no one minds.

on my 27th b-day my father took advantage of me.
i didnt fight.
ive been fighting the guilt over this for years.
i was a grown woman and could have fought but didnt.

since then....ive discussed it alot in therapy.
now, i was told that i had already been "programmed" because of the abuse he did in my childhood. ive tried to believe that but it just seems like a cop out to me. i still have tremendous guilt over it.

anyhow...today is my b-day. its the first b-day since my father died.
and the mixed emotions are enough to drive me mad.
i miss him and wish he was here to tell me happy birthday but then again i remember what he did 4 years ago on this day.

****.

oh...and today is also the day i see my new therapist for the first time.

anyhow...does anyone know how to help me make sense out of this?

thank you.
xxxxxxxxx

happy birthday rachel!

i would say that maybe some things just don't make sense, never will, and the best thing to do is to try and accept them, learn and recover from them while taking one thing at a time.
i don't know why a father would ever do that to his daughter and i couldn't possibly make sense of it, but regardless you cared for him and it seems like he cared for you in his own way, so it is okay and normal to miss him now that he is gone in spite of what happened - especially since you are such a kind person. so, maybe take each thing separately? celebrate your bday and have a great therapy session - i hope it goes really well!

i love you rowie bird.
you make really good sense.
im trying to believe it myself.
loves.
xxxx

i love you too Callie!!!!!
you must have been posting at the same time i was...lol.
thank you for the advice.
you always know what to say in such a comforting way.
loves.
xxxxx

Happy Birthday Rachel!

It is okay to have mixed feelings about your parents. In my art therapy i've drawn what I'd like to spray paint on my parents' headstones! I don't really want to hear from them. Yet I'm so in the habit of obeying them that I let them come over a few days before Christmas.

You might have been that much in the habit of accepting your dad's abuse and in the habit of obeying him. You didn't ask for it. You didn't do anything to deserve it.

Please forgive yourself. Let go of this. It wasn't your fault.

Take care of yourself today and do something nice for your birthday. Dinner out or your favorite thing at home?

*gives you a hug*

rach, you were grown physically and for the most part mentally, but there's still a part of your mind that is a broken little girl, whose trust was destroyed by the one man she should have been able to rely on.

broken people react differently to situations. for some survival instins kick in, for others they dissociate to somewhere safe or pleasant, others just completley shut down.

by broken i don't mean you need fixing... i mean broken as in your heart, soul and sanity were shattered the day that evil bastard stopped being daddy.
mand x

how was therapy with the new doc hun?

thanks guys.
therapy was really well.
i think im going to get on with him nicely.
hes very polite and likes to keep his patients privacy protected.
he never calls your name in the waiting room.
he just walks up to you and asks if youre ready to go back. i think that is very thoughtful.
he said we could go at my own pace and deal with things one at a time.
hes soft spoken and non-threatening.
i think it will go well and im really pleased.
thanks again guys.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

oh i am SO SO glad for you! he sounds lovely! i think this is going to be like a great new beginning for you, Rach!

here's hoping you make good progress with him. maybe use the new start as a time to promise yourself certain things, such as,
1) I will always tell him everything
2) I will always tell him if i feel unsafe
etc so you get a good trusting relationship going, he will be able to trust that you don't hide things and you can trust in the fact that he will do all he can to help you and you're making it easier for him by giving him all the info straight up.

love you hun, mand x

oh hey that's a really good idea
you're very smart mand