Slave.
 

The same horrendous feeling I assosiate with one specific thing has taken over me once again.
The memories are killing me. It doesnt matter how much of a life I've made for myself here, all it takes is one tiny reminder and I collapse in on myself.
The mental framework I thought had finally recovered implodes whenever I'm reminded of what I lost.
I can't let go. I can't forget. I can't come to terms with what has happened. The past haunts me endlessly. Who I am now is a direct result of what has happened to the person I once was. It's an endless butterfly effect. It's almost as if those memories have been given hands and now they pull the strings on me to their accordance like a puppeteer. I'm a slave to my own past.
I have grown up, grown out of manyy things, managed to reform myself in many ways the way I should have, the way anyone should be able to. But not with this. It's as if with the memories the mentality of that lost little 11 year old come back, the shattered confidence, the non existant coping mechanism, painful memories so raw and fresh I can feel them burning against my skin.
I find it astounding how vivid the pain still is after 6 years. It's just as intense, just as unbearable as it was back then.
The past stalks every step I take, and with it her ghost. The girl no one has ever comforted. The girl that has never recovered ; she lives in me. She's killing me. You're killing me..!

I want to stop looking back and longing for the world I no longer belong to. I want to bury her, along with the shadows hanging over me. But I'm afraid I can't. The past and the present are so closely intertwined I can't get through the knots. Not only that, the memories that bring so much pain are the memories I once loved. I still love. Every single memory of that place hurts but I treasure it. I miss it. I wish it hadn't ended that way.
That place was once a home..

I have lost myself. Along with everything else.
How could you have been so heartless! You sick fucks, how could you have abandoned me like that!?!

Everyone leaves in the end. Everyone walks away without turning back at some point. It's just me. I just can't move. I stay rooted to the spot with nothing but bitterness choking me.
Why did you leave?...

Hey Majers, that's not true! You're not rooted there. You said it yourself, you've grown up, you've evolved.
Every experience builds you. If you did let go of the past, you'd forget where you come from.

It takes time for things to heal and for memories to gain distance so that you can remember without them being so painful.

Couldn't have put it better myself, i don't have much more to add to what Caffeine hasn't already said, just take care of yourself, lots of hugs.

im sorry youre hurting this badly, i can so relate to what youve said. im kind of at a loss for words right now so ill just send you lots and lots of hugs
:rose: x x x

Hey Maja, I'm really sorry things are this hard for you right now. I'm kind-of at a loss as to what to say, so I'm just going to offer myself as someone you can talk to if you'd like. Please take care of yourself, and things will get better in the long run. xx Laura