struggling too much*maybe graphic*
 

I dont know how i can carry on like this. I am struggling so so much. I went 2 weeks without cutting and then i gave in before an exam last week. Ive been telling everyone im fine, my mum and the 2 friends who knew about the cutting, they think im back to 'normal'
But im not. I might feel ok for a day or two, not great but like i can cope and then the littlest thing pushes me over the edge. Im waiting for councelling and i thought i could keep going till then, but i cut. I should have had the appointmetn and week and a half ago, i know its not their fault they guessed a waiting list of 4 weeks and its longer, but im so on the edge atm.
Last night i tried to strangle myself. Ok, i didnt try too hard, i watched in the mirror as i pushed my hands into my throat, till my eyes watered and i started to gag. then i made myself sick. Everyone was in bed, no one has a clue. And i have no where to turn
i just feel so unsafe, ive got to go back to school tomorow as well after just doing my AS. thats making me feel worse. I feel constantly anxious and on edge, and ive been pushing it all to the back of my mind but now i feel like im about to explode.

im sorry this is so long, i just dont know what to do im trying to keep distracted
x

Wanna talk? Just pop me a Pm, i'd be happy to distract you, AS LONG AS YOU DISTRACT ME! :p I need someone to talk to, i'd be more then happy to talk to you. Keep strong. hugs.

okay i wouldn't worry about the laspe before an exam's. with out know the whole situation i would say it was a control nitch. who did you feel about the exam was you confident, did you feel you wasn't in control of the situation.

it appears to me that the change in the appointment my be cousing you to feel like you do in relation to you being on edge. you thought it was under control but when the time laspsed and there was no reply wow did that make you feel. without wanting to use leading statements
did this make you feel liek you had no control over tools you feel my help with your recovery. as for your folks i wouldn't put an over epthise on them not knowing. again its a verible you can't control.

i suggest when you feel like this right down what has led to to feel like this. then list the negative things surrounding it
then the postive things. finaly list the outcomes each of these would have. by doing this in your mind you regain control over the situation and the urge should be reduced.

i'll example the technqiues
event sister is dignoised with epalspey.
nagative thoughts. should could have a attack and be hurt.
postive. at least we know now, she will get put on meds to control it and we can carry spoons in our pockets.

outcomes
- the meds might not work i'll worry about it more may lead to cutting
+we carried spoons in ourpockets and the meds controled it

p.s i've been there at AS its not a big a mountain as it looks take is seriouslydon't over look it but dude its no everist take care hope this helps p.m if you need to talk or if you need the chart type thing explaining more

im pretty much convinced no one is gonna care if i die. I cant take how i feel anymore. All these comments people make when they have no clue. Like we got this work we gotta do for english, and this girl goes 'its so crap i proper wanna slit my wrists'
great, thats so funny. when i really want to, and no one knows.
im going under and no one knows or cares.

people do care
you affect people in your everyday life in positive ways, sometimes without even knowing it
people would miss you so much if anything happened to you
stay safe
im here if you wanna talk
saz xxxx

I know it's tough now, but things will get better for you. PM me or add me to MSN or AIM if you need to talk, I'd be happy to distract you or just chat about things. Take care, Laura

i know how bad you feel
and i care

i care so much about you sian, i really do, and ive told you, i really cant lose you,
i wont let you give in

you do have somewhere to turn, you have me,
text me, call me, anything hun, im always here for you, even if im not online

i love you xxxx i care about you so much, and i know how hard things are

Stalkerino! I'd care, ALOT.

So that's someone, and then there's your mum! There's loads of people, i've only known you a few days and you've made quite an impression on me :) You're a lovley person, hope you feel better soon xxx. :)