nobody really knows....
 

no one really knows how i feel.
they see my smile and think im ok.
they hear me laugh and it makes them happy.
but underneath it all.....im still the same depressed, hopeless girl.

i feel so lonely but i shouldnt.
i have the most loving and supportive girlfriend.
and i feel so selfish for feeling this way.
i should be happy.
but im not.
my past haunts me in the most torturing ways.

i wish my family and friends could have a peep inside my heart and soul and see whats really there....but then again i wouldnt want to put them through that.

i make jokes and make light of things just to get by.
i dont want everyone to see me for who i really am. its repulsive.

i honestly would take my life if it werent for my little boy....and now Kelly.

its really hard to live when i really dont want to.

hmmm...

A traumatic past can haunt you deeply, and cause deeply embedded depression.
You're not repulsive, you're hurting, you've been wounded. You deserve understanding, support and kindness.

I agree with Katie *hugs Apple*
If you need to cry honey then cry.
If you need to rant and rave and scream then you go for it
*sits next to you* I won't go anywhere.

I so understand how the past impacts the whole of your present life. I'm living with nightmares and my husband is living through my nightmares. I'm dressing in crew neck shirts all of the time and didn't realize why until recently. Sometimes I use gallows humor to get through things too.

I feel lonely for the family I never had and the little girl/little child that I never was. I'm creating a family for myself with my friends.

I do understand. You've heard the phrase "the light at the end of the tunnel"? I've toured a gold mine in Colorado. We were a mile into the mine when the tour guide turned down the lights and told us to look back the way we came. The light looked like a little tiny spark.

I hope you can find that spark. Until you can, will you let us hold you and guide you?

thank you guys....

i felt like i was being really dramatic after writing that post.
but sometimes i do think im the only one who feels like that.
its reassuring to know that others do too. i know im not alone but sometimes i just need a little reminding.

thank you all.
much love.
xxxxxxxxx

you are so articulate, rach
i can't tell you how much i relate to that
i think a lot of people probably can and my guess is that realising it and then trying to give the people in your life a chance to really see you is one huge step toward recovery
hugs hugs