Really struggling right now and I dont know what to do
 

I'm not doing very well right now... Again
Though, was I ever?

I feel like I am about to snap, about to break, shatter into a thousand pieces.. Again, but I really don't think I will be able to put myself together again this time, I really don't think Ill make it.

I haven't cut in somewhere near 9 months, but I'm so so close. So close to throwing it all away.

9 months ago was a period of around 6 months of worse than rock bottom, there was barely a week went by without me needing stitches, and I ended up in hospital after taking an OD. After that, my parents found out, and I saw how much I hurt them, and I somehow managed to pull it together, pretend I was Ok, and hope it was, and things did get a little better, but it never went away did it, and its just gradually got worse.

Im at the point of breaking, I want to cut, I know I don't need to but I feel like I do, and I don't think I can fight it much longer, I really don't, but I also don't know if I will be able to stop myself, once I start.

And its terrifying me. Its gonna happen all over again, and what if I cant fight it this time. Im going to completely fall apart again, like before, and I cant go through that again. The anxiety and panicking never went away but its bad again, and I cant take it anymore, and its bringing the depression and suicidal thoughts back with it.

Maybe I should go back on the meds, maybe I should have never stopped taking them. I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore, except I cant do this again, I really cant.
Just functioning is getting impossible, leaving the house, going to lecture or work. I can't, I'm in a state of anxiety and panic all day.

God I miss cutting, if I could just cut, and for a few seconds things would seem ok.

Oh God, Im falling apart again.

Oh God, Im so so scared.

Hang on in there!

We're here to support u!

Craig

Lora,
If you cut you may feel better for a bit, then you will feel regret for SI as well as all of the other emotions.
See your doctor about your meds. There is nothing wrong with taking psych meds, all they do is help the chemistry and nerve function in your brain. They are not uppers and they are not magic, they just help correct an internal system that isn't functioning very well.

Knowing that the emotions are going to break over you like a wave, instead of letting the wave break on your head and bash you and carry you and mess you up, might you hold your breath for a bit and dive into the base of the wave where even though you will feel it, you won't be so tumbled by it? As a metaphor it's weird but I hope you understand. Sometimes in real life when you're swimming in surf diving into it seems weird but it works. Dive into the emotions and work with them, not against them.

Own that you have the emotions but please don't let them destroy you.

*gentle snuggles*
i hope youre feeling a bit better now.
much love.
xxxxxxxxxx

i hope you are doing better now, love
if not i think you probably know what you need to do
asking for help isn't always easy but it's what you need
at your next docs appt (or if you dont have one coming up call and make one) let them know what is going on and maybe go back on the meds for a bit
you don't have to go through it alone
and the cutting can sometimes just make you feel more alone
keep writing on here, too, it helps a lot of people
hugs
xxxooo