I feel so lost...
 

Yesterday the PMS consultant suggested the possiblity that I don't have PMS.
I've to do some more charts, so that he can tell for sure.
But the charts I already did don't show obvious PMS.

Whilst this is potentially liberating, freeing me from some of the tight constraints my father wrapped around me in his controlling and frightened way, it is also frightening and confusing.
Ever since I was a teenager, PMS has been identified by my family, and latterly my GP, and of course myself.

But maybe it's just my depression and PTSD becoming more intense. I kind of expected that.
But it's like being told I don't have depression. [I do have depression, but it's the analogy.]
And it's like being told my father never wounded my femininity like he did. But I know he did. The poisoned root of his own inadequecies and need for control.. means I have never trusted men or felt safe with them. Although I do know a few men now, safe men - one of my flatmates, my other flatmate's dad, colleagues.

But my wound cannot be healed with artificial hormones.
It can only be healed with trust and love and self acceptance.
Which are there when I break through the shadow of grief.

Thank you Rowie.

Why does noone else care or seem to understand?

Katie

I haven't known what to say because it seems like it's a double edged sword. But nobody is taking things away from you - sure you not suffer from PMS but you are struggling with it.

Take care hunny

Thanks.

I'm doing a lot better. I worked it through a lot in therapy, and I've come to understand that while I do get more intense symptoms pre-mesntrually, they're not symptoms I don't have at other times - I get them at other times in the month. My symptoms are responses to triggers in my environment that remind me of my past in some way, and one of those internal environment triggers happens to be reminders that I'm female.

Technically, then, this isn't PMS. I have an emotional condition, not something organic.

The whole process of the clinic referral and everything around it has helped/is helping me get in touch with some really core deep issues, and understand more what's going on - as well as taking steps to take care of my body better.

It's been tough, because the whole situation triggered my dissociation - defending mysel from experiencing myself as a woman, because of how my father felt threatened by women and so treated me and my mum the way he did.. and the bullies who wounded my sense of self and self image. I'm learning how I perpetuate these 'scripts' in the present....

so good to hear youre working through it Katie.
i hope you continue to improve.
i think you manage obstacles like these amazingly, myself.
much love.
xxxxxxxxx

Im glad to hear you're working through some things.
I know how disorientating things can be when youre not sure whats wrong, when youre told one thing, then that is taken away, I know how awful that can feel.
Sorry I dont have much useful to say, but Im always here if you want to talk
Love Lora xx

it can be hard to get an incorrect diagnosis and spend time trying to treat it and deal with it and not have it work. i'm glad for you that you are on the right track now and doing well - good luck katie